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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lucie lu on October 19, 2008, at 13:33:12
Something that twinleaf said in a recent post, that ruptures can be subtle and scarecly detectable, made me start thinking more about subtle influences like that upon therapy. I would like to know more about how others have experienced ruptures, especially the subtler ones involving their T's: how did one or both of you become aware of the rupture and how was it repaired? I would really like to be more aware of these subtle ruptures in my own therapy. There are times that I come away from a session feeling something I can't quite put my finger on. Sometimes these become apparent later on and can be brought up for discussion. But other times, the feeling is so vague and ill-defined that it never does get discussed. I wonder if the latter can't cause problems in the relationship if they are not detected and repaired?
Anyway, I would really appreciate it if anyone wants to share experiences of ruptures in therapy with me.
Thanks,
Lucie
Posted by twinleaf on October 19, 2008, at 15:58:16
In reply to Want to know more about ruptures, posted by lucie lu on October 19, 2008, at 13:33:12
My analyst has been very much the leader and teacher in this area; He often asks "what?" if he notices me changing my facial expression, looking away or shifting in the chair. When he asks, he's directing my attention inwards, and giving me permission to explore what is happening. I become aware of feeling just slightly angry, or slightly lonely, or another negative feeling. The reason is almost always the same: he has said something, or used body language in a way that I feel slightly misunderstood or ever so slightly criticised, or I am suddenly worrying that he doesn't like me as much as I would like him to, or I feel his attention has shifted away from me for a moment.
In the beginning, he let me know that he welcomed my noticing these slight ruptures. As soon as I would speak about one, he would say, for example, "I;m glad you told me that you need more responsiveness from me right now"- and then he would provide it. He took these tiny matters very seriously, and in that way taught me to take them seriously also. He seemed to think that it was very reasonable for me to mention even the slightest feeling of rejection, so that he could meet my needs better right in that moment. This was a wonderful new experience for me- and still is. The basic message is, "every little momentary feeling you have is important. I want to know, because I want your experience here with me to be as happy, connected and meaningful as possible. This is one place where you don't have to push those lonely feelings away. When you tell me about them, we can find a way to move beyond them."
I think the skill he has in doing this is a big part of why things have gone so well for me .As a way to start with your therapist, you could have a discussion about where these ruptures and repairs might fit into your therapist's sense of what is most helpful and important in your therapy. The literature today is full of articles about the importance of this kind of interpersonal work, so it would be hard to find a therapist who didn't know something about it. I hope you both find a good way to include this particular way of doing therapy on a regular basis.
Posted by seldomseen on October 20, 2008, at 6:34:05
In reply to Want to know more about ruptures, posted by lucie lu on October 19, 2008, at 13:33:12
As you said, some ruptures are quite subtle. They usually hit me several days after therapy, or the night after the session.
I have a bad habit of what I call "kitchen sinking". SOmething bad will happen in therapy (or any relationship) and I start to remind myself of every single other thing that has ever bothered me in the past about that relationship. It's like "Oh yeah, and he did this and this and that and that" Everything but the kitchen sink gets thrown in.
By the time I got to the next session, or got so worked up I called him, it had turned into a full-fledged fight (in my mind at least).
I'm much better at NOT doing that now. In fact, a few sessions back I commented that I had quit keeping score with him years ago.
The little ruptures don't get to me as much because I know that I can trust him and trust his motives. He is human after all, and though he knows me very well, there is no way he could know what's going to bother me. Unless I tell him. So I usually do let him know and we talk about it.
"Make up therapy" is the best therapy of all. You just have to work to get to it.
Seldom
Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2008, at 8:56:04
In reply to Re: Want to know more about ruptures » lucie lu, posted by seldomseen on October 20, 2008, at 6:34:05
> "Make up therapy" is the best therapy of all. You just have to work to get to it.
:)
We hardly get that anymore! A good thing overall, I suppose.
My therapist is good at rupture repair. But I think I might be better at it. He's good enough when it's brought to his attention. But he sure as heck isn't going to notice the small ruptures unless I tell him what's going on with me. He's not that in tune with my every feeling. He picks up on the bigger ones of course.
What he's better at is staying nondefensive, owning what part is his while unaggressively pointing out where my standard patterns might be influencing my thoughts. He doesn't hold grudges.
I was planning to start a thread on the good enough therapist before I fell to pieces. My therapist just isn't as perceptive as Twinleaf's. I feel a little pang sometimes when I hear about her therapist or Daisy's therapist.
Rupture repair is one area where I have to do a heck of a lot more work than he does. Work to figure out I'm upset, work to express precisely why I'm upset in terms he understands, and sometimes work to remember our overall relationship and how strong it is. Each rupture might well not get repaired, at least not by proper attunement from my therapist. But our overall relationship is strong enough that unhealed small cracks don't endanger the wind rating of the entire structure.
This is the end of the thread.
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