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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Looney Tunes on September 29, 2008, at 19:36:20
Hey folks,
I am really stuck. I have been with T for 5 months going 2-3 times per week. The problem is I still don't know what to say. I fidget, talk about the room, ask him questions, sit in silence, EVERYTHING but say "hey this is one of my many problems that we need to address."
Instead I constantly ask him if he is mad or wants to fire me. That is about it..then back to the color of the rug or silence or him.
I can't remember my past therapy being like this, but it was so many years ago? Is this a normal beginning?
Do I just need to take a leap? But it doesn't seem like he is ready for that....He is SOOOOO relaxed that the room could collapse and he would still be mellow. Argh.
Thanks for any insight.
Posted by DAisym on September 29, 2008, at 23:17:53
In reply to Suggestions needed. Failing therapy with a big F, posted by Looney Tunes on September 29, 2008, at 19:36:20
I write things down and take them in.
I tell my therapist, "I really want to talk about X but I can't seem to get myself to. I need some help - perhaps questions?"
I leave voice mails in the middle of the night saying the same things.
Have you talked about not talking? I think that would be a really good way to break it open. Going 2/3 times per week is a huge investment of time and money. I think you need to take a deep breath and ask you therapist if he thinks he is the right fit for you - perhaps this style isn't making you feel safe or held. You keep showing up, he needs to get more actively involved with unpacking your feelings.
Just my two cents.
Posted by JayJ on September 30, 2008, at 7:49:20
In reply to Re: Suggestions needed. Failing therapy with a big F, posted by DAisym on September 29, 2008, at 23:17:53
I agree with DAisym - write. You can clearly express yourself well in your writing here. Write him a letter, even mail it if you can't face him with it in hand. It will give him something to work with and help get communication started. Heck, if it helps, write a pretend, or even real, message to this group spelling out some issues and then print it out and send or give it to him. I think once you get things started it will open up the flow. You could even send him this message of yours as a starting point for conversation.
It must be very frustrating for you to feel you are not getting anywhere. I can almost feel the pressure building up in you. Just make a little start on something real and I'm sure it will roll from there. It's that chinese thing about a journey of a thousand miles starting with a single step.
JayJ
Posted by sunnydays on September 30, 2008, at 10:25:48
In reply to Suggestions needed. Failing therapy with a big F, posted by Looney Tunes on September 29, 2008, at 19:36:20
That was my first year or more in therapy!! Seriously!! Try to be patient and gradually you will find yourself opening up more and more. Unfortunately it's really scary and really painful and takes a long time. My T kept pushing me little by little to talk, however, and that helped. Does your T do that?
sunnydays
Posted by Geegee on September 30, 2008, at 11:15:40
In reply to Suggestions needed. Failing therapy with a big F, posted by Looney Tunes on September 29, 2008, at 19:36:20
> Do I just need to take a leap? But it doesn't seem like he is ready for that....He is SOOOOO relaxed that the room could collapse and he would still be mellow. Argh.Hi,
I think the others have given great responses. I agree with what's been said so far. Something struck me, though. You said you weren't sure if he was ready for you to "take a leap". I'm not sure what you mean by that. What are you looking for in him for him to seem "ready"? And/or could it be that not seeming "ready" is really part of your own feelings and fears and not his state? This might also be an area to talk about with him that might help get the ball rolling...Good luck! Therapy is hard work, and I admire anyone who puts themselves out there like that.
gg
Posted by Nadezda on September 30, 2008, at 11:22:17
In reply to Suggestions needed. Failing therapy with a big F, posted by Looney Tunes on September 29, 2008, at 19:36:20
Hi, Looney Tunes.
Maybe you have a form of performance anxiety. But I think the main question is: do you feel some kind of movement, some connection underneath or through the silence and anger or distrust, or resistance? Do you feel that some sort of potential alliance is wordlessly being formed?
I sense that it is-- but that's just a guess.
If it is-- then you're doing a lot of work, without knowing it. And maybe it's coming to that point where that work will pay off with a beginning conversation-- a jumping off point-- any one of your "many problems"-- pick one or another, you'll get where you need to go-- which can begin yet another kind of evolution to build on the basis you've created.
But if you don't feel that that alliance is being built, then maybe you and your T are not a good fit. It's not that you're getting an F, but that you and your T don't have that important kind of communication that would make a deeper investment possible.
I'm glad you're wanting to make this shift-- it seems like a good sign. The things to do is act on it-- either with him , or with another T. No matter what, the time you've spent isn't wasted-- because you're coming to learn what you're looking for in a T. Often it's difficult to know that-- and to find the right person.
Nadezda
Posted by Phillipa on September 30, 2008, at 12:02:49
In reply to Re: Suggestions needed. Failing therapy with a bi » Looney Tunes, posted by Nadezda on September 30, 2008, at 11:22:17
Very difficult to do that as I've yet to find the good fit guess I'm an odd ball. Phillipa
Posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 20:55:00
In reply to Suggestions needed. Failing therapy with a big F, posted by Looney Tunes on September 29, 2008, at 19:36:20
Hi LT,
I can't really add much to what other posters have said, except to weigh in on the issue because my first year in therapy was pretty much as you describe. I would get so frustrated not knowing what to say. It wasn't that I was consciously holding anything back, it was just a level of openness and honesty that I was not familiar with and didn't know how to reach. My T even fell asleep on me twice. We really weren't relating much then, I was just going to see him. Big difference.
Did you ever read In Session? There is a part where one woman notes that there is a point where you "have to ante up" to get anywhere in therapy. I think that's true. Maybe a place to start would be to write down to yourself all the things you'd like LEAST to tell another person. Then see if any one of those could be somehow introduced into your sessions, even if only a tad. I have found in general that the things I want least to talk about are actually the things I most need to talk about and should be talking about. This exercise might lead into journaling, although I personally only really made use of it after I'd decided to "ante up." My journal entries prior to that were pretty much like my sessions. Later on, when I was really wading through a lot of confusing things, I would journal a lot just to get my jumbled thoughts down. These I frequently would print out and take to my sessions. I found that one way to say things I absolutely could not get out of my mouth any other way.
Two or three times a week is a pretty big commitment, and it is possible that this is not the right time or the right T. But maybe if you try to "ante up" you'll have a better idea of where you stand.
Don't be discouraged. From what I've seen on babble you are putting in a lot of effort in trying to learn about yourself - which is really great. You are thoughful. You are helpful to others and seem able to use help from others as well. It just takes time to find the ways in which the therapeutic process can work best for you. So hang in there, LT, I know you'll make it :)
Best,
Lucie
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