![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on February 5, 2008, at 15:31:32
The date I think I have hit bottom,
my past has overtaken my present
I feel like hurting myself
I don't know why really
The hurt is too much
the truth, the pain
I just want to be alone
I was abused, I wasn't wanted
I don't matter,
if my own mom couldn't love me
than who would?
It sucks to be me
Posted by Dinah on February 5, 2008, at 15:44:59
In reply to 2/5/08, posted by Happyflower on February 5, 2008, at 15:31:32
Happyflower? What's going on?
You were just recently feeling so hopeful. What made you hit bottom?
Posted by Sigismund on February 5, 2008, at 17:37:56
In reply to 2/5/08, posted by Happyflower on February 5, 2008, at 15:31:32
The pain that people feel is a reliable surprise. There's something attractively unsentimental about...
>if my own mom couldn't love me
than who would?I have nothing to say for myself.
This morning I was carting myself around thinking
'With your carefully preserved sense of anguish
Every conceivable action false.....
You imposter.'Oh my goodness. This is why (IMO of course) we need religion. So we can ask for forgiveness and start over with something like peace of mind.
Posted by Happyflower on February 5, 2008, at 20:36:35
In reply to Re: 2/5/08 » Happyflower, posted by Dinah on February 5, 2008, at 15:44:59
Dinah,
Yeah, I guess I hit bottom emotionally about what happened to me as a child. I also tend to intellective the abuse and almost able to talk about it with no emotion, like a robot. But the last 2 weeks my T has been having me sit with the what it FELT like.
Well it has been really overwhelming this 2nd week, I am feeling it, the memories are open like a wound. He wants me to feel so he can help me more with EMDR. Remember my poem, scared to feel the pain? Well now I finally feel it and it makes me feel worthless like a dog turd. Maybe it is what I felt as a child, I don't know. But it is in my thoughts all day for the last 2 weeks, and I just broke down, I can't carry the burden anymore.
I guess the thing that triggered it into meltdown was I got a card from my grandma yesterday(who is my mom's mom), she is somebody I never liked much, I was scared of her, well she sent me a birthday card out of the blue this week. She does it to manipulate me to reuninited with my mom. She has left me nasty phone messages and letters. She never cared about me when I was young and now I am getting these lovey dovey cards from her. What love? Then I was also triggered by a memory of her where I am not sure if I was SA by her or not. I had a flashback last night of her rubbing my legs one night when I spent the night with her sleeping with her in her bed. I remember the smells, the black and white TV on, etc. I forgot about that memory for some time now. But it is what just made the tension burst out of me. I have T tomorrow early morning, I hope he can help me. I have been very emotional and refrigerated all week. On the verge of anger and tears all week.Then I had some things happen at school, where I didn't do as well as I should have, so I dropped a psych class and I think I am relieved I have because it was one of my more harder class, and since my brother and Lia died, I just can't concentrate as well or remember things as well. So I am now parttime and that is enough on my plate. I am sure a lot of this has to do with the fact the therapy is getting to the heart of things , and we are going for the juggler, and it is so painful. I feel like that little girl again, scared and so sad. I need some hugs .
Posted by Happyflower on February 5, 2008, at 20:40:20
In reply to Re: 2/5/08 » Happyflower, posted by Sigismund on February 5, 2008, at 17:37:56
Hi Sigismund,
I never grew up with religion so it is hard for me to relate. I went to several different churches with different people my whole life, and I just didn't feel like I belonged anywhere.
I think I have a lot to learn in life, my T said a while ago that I am like in my teen years of development. whatever that means. I guess it has something to do with me finding myself and exploring college.
Posted by Bodhisattva on February 5, 2008, at 23:51:51
In reply to Re: 2/5/08 » Dinah, posted by Happyflower on February 5, 2008, at 20:36:35
You may hate me for saying this, entirely disagree, and disregard the rest of this. BUT.
You should acknowledge the card somehow. Everyone deserves a chance, even many chances, to redeem themselves. However, they do not deserve a chance to harm you. So do so carefully.
What comes to mind when I read the rest of your post, is a frame or slide from a movie. A moment in time frozen, everything stuck right where it is. I think this is what you did, you froze those horrible moments and kept them that way. Now that you're being pushed to feel those emotions now, that frozen moment is being thawed.
This needs to happen, because part of you is frozen in that moment as well. I won't lie about it, and I don't think anyone else will either. This process is going to SUCK. But you've made it past that moment, now you've just got to let that sink in.
By the way, even dog turds have a purpose.
You've made it this far, what's another step? We'd all love to take a few with you, even do a little jig :)Take care.
Posted by Dinah on February 6, 2008, at 0:13:13
In reply to Re: 2/5/08 » Dinah, posted by Happyflower on February 5, 2008, at 20:36:35
I'm sorry about your class, Happyflower. That must have been upsetting when you've been so happy at school.
I'm never one to believe that anything is owed to anyone just because they are related. But I think there's a possibility that her card isn't a manipulation. She's likely getting older, and a lot of people start thinking about their lives and wanting to mend connections. Which doesn't mean you have to be open to it on your part. Especially if she doesn't accept the boundary of not pressuring you about your mother.
I've had the experience of having relatives who had always seemed critical of me suddenly acting nicer as they got older. I was cautious naturally, but in my case their change of behavior was genuine and we ended up on better terms than I would have considered possible.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.