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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on January 1, 2008, at 22:16:13
Not myself during bad times... still happens now and then. i said stuff that was stupid and angry and not me.. just not *me* It's tough. Thats why i dont make friends, dont let anyone get close. i might hurt them or scare them or make them hate me. i cant take that anymore. cant undo anything. Being bipolar sucks donkey butt... knowing that no matter how good your heart is inside, no matter how much you try to do right by people... at some point there will be a bad day and events will allign just right and you will lash out anyway. sometimes i hate being me.
i dont come around much. once one of those bad times happens its best i just keep away. i still go into chat every so often, but not much.
i miss people here. i wish i could undo.. wish i could walk people through a tour of my life just to help them see why i might crack.
anyway.. bmail is the same.
Posted by muffled on January 1, 2008, at 23:20:53
In reply to so what can anyone do?, posted by Dory on January 1, 2008, at 22:16:13
maybe you can be straight up w/people, just like you did here?
If they run away, then they not good friends anyways.
If they worthy, they will understand.
I thot this was a great post.
((( Dory )))
M
Posted by star008 on January 2, 2008, at 7:15:36
In reply to so what can anyone do?, posted by Dory on January 1, 2008, at 22:16:13
u can't undo but you can try again. If you have a time when u think you will lash out then take a break from babble.. there are people who will understand. i don't think you will scare many people here..
Posted by seldomseen on January 2, 2008, at 8:27:27
In reply to so what can anyone do?, posted by Dory on January 1, 2008, at 22:16:13
My mom is bipolar and if I may, I would like to share with you a little bit of her story as I think it may offer you some hope.
Lamictal really helped my mom, but only after she lost her job, and I think it is only a part of the treatment. She absolutely exploded on Christmas day - this time at my sister and in front of her children. Everyone was crying and yelling. Presents went unopened, dinner was left on the table. Later I tried to help my sister see that our mother was ill, but she couldn't get past the hurt and how do you explain this to her children?
I had a long talk with my mom and her therapist after that. I can't believe she allowed me to sit in, but she did and the therapist made some excellent points.
He indicated that bipolar is just like any other chronic illness in that it has to be managed. If my mom were diabetic, she would have to monitor her blood sugar at multiple times during the day and take her insulin.
The situation is similar with bipolar, except that she needs to constantly monitor her emotions and take steps to keep them in check.
Nothing or no event was making her lash out, it was coming from the illness, but she was still responsible for it.
If she feels as though she is going to lash out she simply needs to get out of the situation. If she feels particularly sad, she needs to start talking about it and get help.No, it isn't fair that she has bipolar and no it isn't fair that she has the burden of dealing with it, but that it was reality and she needed to face it.
He also indicated that he thought bipolar was contagious - not in the way other people would become bipolar, but that after a blow up, the shockwaves could really damage those in its wake and it was incumbent on her not to let that happen.
After that, I felt kinda bad for my mom, but she said she felt like she had a break through.
She said that she had always felt powerless to do ANYTHING about her behaviour, but that maybe she wasn't. She's going to start keeping an emotion journal to help her to keep track and get more in touch with how she feels and that she was "more" than this illness. She was also going to reach out to my sister and slowly, begin to rebuild that bridge that was burnt on Christmas day.
I vowed to help her anyway I could.
Seldom.
Posted by seldomseen on January 2, 2008, at 9:56:05
In reply to Re: so what can anyone do? » Dory, posted by seldomseen on January 2, 2008, at 8:27:27
I don't know what I was thinking, but I hit post a little too quickly.
I wanted to conclude by saying that from what I've read of your posts, it is clear that you are strong enough to meet this illness head on and win.
Yes, we all have our burdens to bear, but developing loving, mutually beneficial relationships somehow makes it worth the effort I think.
Welcome back to babble, I hope you get comfortable and stay a while.
Seldom.
Posted by Dory on January 2, 2008, at 13:17:50
In reply to A Quick followup, posted by seldomseen on January 2, 2008, at 9:56:05
thanks guys, i appreciate it. Your mom's story is a nice once seldom, i am just not in a place where i feel like i can absorb it.
this was so stupid really.. lashed out but i never saw it coming. i am pretty good about preventing or getting out without too much damage. This time i did lash out.. oh boy.. but i was being protective i thought. It was a bad idea either way. i feel ashamed that person is inside me at all. i practice Shambhala, wont kill spiders even.. i go out of my way to help people anonymously.. and i try to be supportive, honest and be a friend.
you're right.. maybe a friend would understand and be willing to accept that part of me that comes out sometimes... give me a chance and all. i guess 100 good deeds really isn't as important as one hurtful one.
what hurts most are the people who will talk to me in a crowd, but not one on one... people who say they miss me but won't return a call. The people who i thought were real enough to tell me i hurt them, or to even tell me they cant deal with me... but nope, they smile, or wave or talk as if it's all ok as long as there are other people around. can't undo and cant even talk about it to people who act like there is something very wrong but wont admit to it. What i dont understand is how other people seem to get a break... "it's ok, she's having a hard time..." but not me.
Muffy, there's no one to come clean to
i feel naive.
like i said, bmail is still on.
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2008, at 23:07:08
In reply to so what can anyone do?, posted by Dory on January 1, 2008, at 22:16:13
I don't think that anyone or anything is beyond forgiveness and reconciliation.
But that doesn't mean that everyone at every time will be open to that. People have their own issues, and I think it's healthy to acknowledge that some people won't wish to be open to reestablishing a relationship. It doesn't make them bad, or you bad. It just is, and there's nothing you can unilaterally do to fix that.
I'm sure I've shared my philosophy often enough that you're sick of it. But after you've taken responsibility, expressed genuine remorse, did your best at reparations, all you can really do is to act in a friendly and open manner and hope that one day the other person will be receptive. Sometimes these things take time. Sometimes they never come to pass.
I remember once, in what seems like a long long time ago to me but likely wasn't, I was very upset that I had done something that caused someone I liked a lot to not particularly care for me. I tried so hard for so long, but my therapist was calm and steady. He kept saying that sometimes people won't like you. Even if you like them, and even if you try to get them to like you, they won't like you. Maybe because of something you did, but after you've done your best to repair, there's nothing more you can do.
Except accept.
It took me years, but I think I now believe that.
Posted by zenhussy on January 3, 2008, at 7:03:02
In reply to Re: so what can anyone do?, posted by Dinah on January 2, 2008, at 23:07:08
> I don't think that anyone or anything is beyond forgiveness and reconciliation.
>
> But that doesn't mean that everyone at every time will be open to that. People have their own issues, and I think it's healthy to acknowledge that some people won't wish to be open to reestablishing a relationship. It doesn't make them bad, or you bad. It just is, and there's nothing you can unilaterally do to fix that.
>
> I'm sure I've shared my philosophy often enough that you're sick of it. But after you've taken responsibility, expressed genuine remorse, did your best at reparations, all you can really do is to act in a friendly and open manner and hope that one day the other person will be receptive. Sometimes these things take time. Sometimes they never come to pass.
>
> I remember once, in what seems like a long long time ago to me but likely wasn't, I was very upset that I had done something that caused someone I liked a lot to not particularly care for me. I tried so hard for so long, but my therapist was calm and steady. He kept saying that sometimes people won't like you. Even if you like them, and even if you try to get them to like you, they won't like you. Maybe because of something you did, but after you've done your best to repair, there's nothing more you can do.
>
> Except accept.
>
> It took me years, but I think I now believe that.Dinah,
This is by far one of your best posts we've read over the several years we've been around. Wish we could print and frame it and send personal copies to folks who forget/refuse to accept that not everyone is able or willing to forgive.
THANK YOU for putting these words together into a post!
Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2008, at 8:42:20
In reply to ...there's nothing more you can do. Except accept. » Dinah, posted by zenhussy on January 3, 2008, at 7:03:02
It was certainly a lesson that it took *me* a very long time to learn.
This is the end of the thread.
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