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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on January 2, 2008, at 21:43:20
You would think that seeing my therapist again, after a 13 day break, would be great - right? So how come I was so tied up in knots and bouncing all over the place?
The week before the break we had one of those "issues" - I ran into his personal life inadvertently and when discussing it with him, I heard my own unrealistic expectations. He accidentally made it worse by kindly talking about therapy as a fantasy and I took it and ran the wrong way with it. He didn't say "therapy is a fantasy relationship" but I heard it that way. So I was hurt and upset with myself for stupidly allowing him, and the work we are doing, to become so important. I also canceled the rest of my sessions for that week. He called and asked me to please come in and talk it out. He didn't want to go into the break on such a bad note. We worked it out, but the inescapable truth of the limitations of this relationship linger. He can't make all the hurt go away and he just isn't there at 2am when the dreams are at their worst.
I spent way too much time by myself over the past two weeks. And of course, the Holidays were hard, too much family around that I had to be perky for. I saw that episode on Oprah on "Why I jumped" and heard my own thoughts. My sister gave me the book "Reality Theory in Action" for Christmas (why is a whole different discussion) and while I found a great deal of the book insulting (it felt like fast-food therapy sold with ginsu knives "act now before this deal ends!") the idea that you might be making choices that limit your happiness rang true. Is therapy one of those choices?
So I had a lot to talk about today - including the need to present as "just fine, no worries, the break wasn't hard for me" and the need to tell him about how hard it actually was. The result was that I told him little bits of all of it and threw in some silly stories too. I could tell he was having a hard time following me although he could tell I was struggling to let him in and to feel connected. He noted that I tend to polarize my feelings about therapy when we have a break - falling back to "I should just get over all this and look forward, not backwards." He wanted to know if we couldn't do both - set goals for the future as we deal with the past. Why is that so hard for me?
I did such an unfair thing at the end too - - I told him that setting goals was really difficult and then stopped. He asked why I stopped and I threw out the Oprah program and the struggle with suicidal thoughts. And then the tears came and I left. I'm sure we'll talk about it all tomorrow. He asked me if I worried the whole break that he wouldn't want to come back and work with me. Well - duh. I was such an idiot that last week. Why would he want to come back to this? He just shook his head and said he didn't feel that way.
Why am I struggling so badly with whether therapy is an indulgence or necessary again? Why do I keep making it so hard on myself?
Posted by star008 on January 2, 2008, at 21:50:11
In reply to Reentry, posted by Daisym on January 2, 2008, at 21:43:20
daisym,
i am kind of slow tonite and i would like to answer you more completely later but i do want to tell you that therapy is not an indulgence.. If you didn't need it, you wouldn't go. An indulgence is a totally different thing.. it is not as if ou are going to the spa evry week and getting pampered.. It is hard and it hurts sometimes.
Posted by muffled on January 2, 2008, at 22:10:38
In reply to Reentry, posted by Daisym on January 2, 2008, at 21:43:20
Daisy, I often find comming to T back hard.
For me its more about trust, and maybe anger.
I have to reconnect.
Also, yes, we DO survive w/o T during the breaks, and maybe the breaks would go even better if we didn't spend so damn much time fussing over T while they gone.
UGH. Its seems ridiculous. It seems obsessive.
Is T helping? Or is it just some weird obsession?
Is it just filling this 'need' that I have? but yet not filling it well, cuz T's are there but NOT there for us.
The whole relationship is so skewed and unbalanced.
We go there and at times we are rational competant adults. JUST as rational and as competant as our damn T's. WHY can't we be like that all the time? Why does this inner CRAP keep dragging us down?
Is going to T perpetuating this seeming obsession with all this inner crap?(never mind the whole T relationship being its own weird obsession...)
************SIGH*************
And on it goes....
So,
I still goto T.
Cuz what I goto say I don't wanto say to a 'regular' person.
I somehow want to stop the haunting.
I want to survive.
I want to LIVE life.
I want to be a good Mom.
I want to be a good person.
I want to help others.
And,
at this point, I HAVE improved, but, I feel like I taken a BIG step back, and its frustrating.
I'm not sure I am doing the right things therapywise.
But I KNOW I am still messed up, dangerously(to myself) so.
And if I don't figger out WTF is going on...I will probably not survive.
I've used up all my nine lives and then some...
So I go to T.
And hope for the best.
And yes, sometimes I wonder...
And I make life hard on myself too.
I have had more blessings in this life than any one person has a right to.
But here I am.
Go figger.
I feel for you daisy.
This inner kid stuff is crazymaking.
Take good care and thanks for sharing.
M
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2008, at 22:42:05
In reply to Reentry, posted by Daisym on January 2, 2008, at 21:43:20
Reentry. I like that. Coming from outer space back to home? With all the attendant dangers?
It wasn't *just* that he was gone. It was that you didn't leave on a high note, and the holidays were stressful, and it's hard to look at those hard common sense approaches sometimes and not be angry with ourselves for not doing something that seems so darn obvious. Even if we knew if it were that easy, we'd just do it already.
Therapy does have its limitations and no question that it hurts to bump up against them, no matter how sensitive our therapists may be in handling it. It is inevitable I think.
And I don't think I've ever had a single good session after a break. I don't think it's all on my side either. The rapport has been ruptured a bit and needs time to mend. Fortunately not much time usually.
But, you know, it does get better. Think back a while ago to me. Did you ever ever think I'd be less dependent or less attached like superglue? I didn't. Yet due to circumstances on my side, I really couldn't see him for hmmmm.... nine days? I see him again Friday. And I've been ok. Not woozy disconnected ok. I think of him often and fondly, like I do with Daddy. But I am not living for Friday. I'll be happy to see him, but I don't feel so desperately upset (or numb and detached) as I used to. So it does get better even for someone as attached as I was. Who'd have thought it?
Posted by JoniS on January 3, 2008, at 9:06:21
In reply to Reentry, posted by Daisym on January 2, 2008, at 21:43:20
Daisy
I just wrote a long reply to your post and it disappeared into cybespace. I know for sure I didn't do anything wrong, so why does this happen?
I have to run now, but I so understand how you feel. But it is great that your T cares so much that he calls you and asks you to come in to talk after you cancel your appointments. I am sure that mine would not do that. He might call and say "... are you ok? I was concerned about you..." I would then be thinking that he was only getting himself off the hook for any part of how I am feeling.
Just try to say to yourself that you're stupind for allowing yourself to care so much about him and about your work together. -- That's what we do in therapy is care. We invest our emotions, and there isn't a measure of how much care is right and how much is wrong. All I know is if we didn't care about T, then the process would have no effect on us.
I hope your session today goes well and that you are able to work through some of the stuff.
Thanks for your post. I often have a difficult time reading them because they remind me so much of myself and my t situation. - that is good and bad.
Joni
Posted by lovelorn on January 3, 2008, at 18:01:02
In reply to Reentry, posted by Daisym on January 2, 2008, at 21:43:20
>the idea that you might be making choices that limit your happiness rang true. Is therapy one of those choices?
I am thinking the same thing at times, Daisym. Over the holidays, I was talking with my ex-H and talked to him of some ambivalence I've been having about doing therapy. After over a year, it has helped me, and he said, yes, but it makes you down. And I realized it does do that, when in between sessions, I may be feeling better and more positive.
I am going to give it another six months and see if the downs of therapy don't improve.
>I should just get over all this and look forward, not backwards." He wanted to know if we couldn't do both - set goals for the future as we deal with the past. Why is that so hard for me?
I have been telling myself the same thing for the last month or two. But it always seems as soon as you get in the room, back you go. lol. For me it seems so hard sometimes because I think part of me wants some magical 'cure' of the past, that with enough talking about it, somehow it will be all fixed like the damage will have been completely undone. Makes me think of my T saying that healing implies to me as if it never happened. We cannot make it like it never happened and that we would be different people because it didn't happen, because it did.
Anyway future, yes. My T and I are at the same place of speaking about future goals and moving forward. Will be interesting to see how that develops.
Posted by Fallsfall on January 3, 2008, at 19:24:01
In reply to Reentry, posted by Daisym on January 2, 2008, at 21:43:20
>the idea that you might be making choices that limit your happiness rang true. Is therapy one of those choices?
Therapy isn't what is limiting your happiness, dear. It is simply helping you to come to terms with what IS limiting your happiness. Don't shoot the messenger...
It is hard to have to take a break and then come back. Can you accept that this is a hard thing, and always will be difficult? The fact that it is difficult does not mean that you are doing anything wrong.
(((Daisy)))
Love,
Falls
Posted by lovelorn on January 3, 2008, at 19:34:40
In reply to Re: Reentry » Daisym, posted by Fallsfall on January 3, 2008, at 19:24:01
>>>the idea that you might be making choices that limit your happiness rang true. Is therapy one of those choices?
>>Therapy isn't what is limiting your happiness, dear. It is simply helping you to come to terms with what IS limiting your happiness. Don't shoot the messenger...
Interesting point and perspective, Falls. Quite useful to think about what is that IS.
This is the end of the thread.
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