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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on December 16, 2007, at 11:32:18
Not posting much.
Kinda blew out friday night.
Called my T. She somehow convinced me to go home.
That was good, cuz I kinda scared myself. Was under a bridge and a guy came round, crap, I sounded like a Nasty piece of work. Guess I glad to know I have it in me for safeness, but its been awhile, and I watched myself, I AM scarey :-( I WANTED him to take me on. But he scuttled away.Sigh. I was packing a large knife. But I didn't pull it on him, just had my hand in my jacket.
Thats when I phoned T.
I knew I was getting outta control.
So she got me to go home. I dunno what we talked about. Just remember her saying to go home.
I was Ok.
Always am.
One of these days my luck will run out.
Weird how I got home. Just kinda arrived.
Puked 4 hrs. Burned the sh*t outta my throat. That uvula thing in the back of my throat was like a grape it was so big. Sis took me to emerg. they gave me gravol.
So I OK.
Gonna find me a p-doc and get right meds.
Everybody is nice to me. It confuses me.
I will just keep going.
Take care all ya babblers.
M
Posted by rskontos on December 16, 2007, at 12:06:21
In reply to Hi, posted by muffled on December 16, 2007, at 11:32:18
Muffled I am only glad you got home safely. I totally understand how this happened. I had something weird and un-nerving happen the same night.
I am glad he didn't take you on. No telling what might have happened.
Glad T got you home and she was there when you called.
We both need a p-doc. It confuses because you can't be nice yourself and don't know why anyone else it? I get that cause I don't know to be nice to me or at least the parts of me I dont like. I imagine we dont know who or what parts are the us we could like or want to know enough to be nice too.
I hope I am not confusing you more.
Stay safe. ((((((Muffled))))))
rk
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 16, 2007, at 17:43:38
In reply to Hi, posted by muffled on December 16, 2007, at 11:32:18
Muffled, Honey, please try to stay safe. You're doing good so far. Imagine that I'm right there with you, holding your hand or just standing beside you. I know you will get through this and you will come out even stronger than you are right now.
Take care of yourself.
Posted by I need a hug on December 16, 2007, at 23:33:30
In reply to Re: Hi » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on December 16, 2007, at 17:43:38
muffled,
I am glad you are o.k. and that you got home safely. Please take care of youself. HUGS
Posted by antigua3 on December 17, 2007, at 6:34:14
In reply to Re: Hi, posted by I need a hug on December 16, 2007, at 23:33:30
I am so glad you are o.k.
I can't say anything else except to send all the love and support your way that I can. We are here for you, we really are.
antigua
Posted by ClearSkies on December 17, 2007, at 7:50:16
In reply to Hi, posted by muffled on December 16, 2007, at 11:32:18
Oh, Muffled - you keep saying that you're alright. But are you alright? Surviving is one thing, thriving is another; and you surely deserve to thrive! It does sound like it's time for a medication adjustment, even if it makes you feel less-than-in-control in the short term, so that you can regain some ground physically, get to grips with the addiction issue (which really messes everything else up), and let your T guide you through this.
I'm so glad that you have checked in with us. Please accept our well wishes and prayers for your success in overcoming this hard time. We do care about you and want no harm to come to you or anyone else.You're precious to us, Muffled.
CS
Posted by star008 on December 17, 2007, at 9:29:54
In reply to Hi, posted by muffled on December 16, 2007, at 11:32:18
ohhh muffled..don't let yourself do stuff like that.. i understand how it happened and I am sorry you felt so bad and so nasty but you gotta tke care of yourself for your kids. It would really s...ck for them to have to go through life screwed up cuz their momma went and got herself hurt..You are going through really bad times right now.. It won't stay like this.. It will change,, it always does.. Look for your new P-doc and see if you can get some relief there so you don't have to let the Ikid act out. Mine used to get bad when I got drunk.. Came out and did some things that were pretty destructive to us. Still does sometimes but I don't drink enough to get really loaded the way I used to..
Please be careful muffled.. People are nice you cuz they like you and don't want anything to happen to u.. If you are going out of control stay home or go out in the yard..Don't go off alone where it isn't safe. Can't take on a guy even with a knife.. They are way stronger than us.. Even the little guys..
Take care of things and yourself.. I want to see Muffled get through all of this..
Posted by rskontos on December 17, 2007, at 10:01:26
In reply to Re: Hi, posted by star008 on December 17, 2007, at 9:29:54
Hey muffled, let us know you are ok please.......rk
Posted by JoniS on December 17, 2007, at 11:55:48
In reply to Hi, posted by muffled on December 16, 2007, at 11:32:18
I care very much about you and I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time.
I am so glad you are OK and that you called your T. Please stay safe.
I'll be thinking of you.
Joni
((((((((((Muff))))))))))
Posted by Poet on December 17, 2007, at 11:56:04
In reply to Hi, posted by muffled on December 16, 2007, at 11:32:18
Hi Muffled,
I'm glad your T and sister were there for you. It's sounds like you were in a really scary situation. I think seeing a pdoc might be a good idea. Maybe your T can help you find one.
Please post how you are doing.
((((((Muffled)))))))
Poet
Posted by muffled on December 17, 2007, at 14:58:48
In reply to Re: Hi » muffled, posted by Poet on December 17, 2007, at 11:56:04
Thanks SO much for your support guys.
Yeah, I'll be OK. Always am it seems.
Sorta scarey though. Once you take off those blinders of denial.....
Once you lose the ability to dissociate as easily as you once did.....
Well. it surely is a challenge.
And I even been wondering WHY I find it SO strange that people are kind to me....
My T, sent me the sweetest mail. She said she was deeply thankful I was OK! DEEPLY!!!! She was releived she heard from me, she EVEN said "boy, I am releived.." Sure, she says alla the time she cares, but that bounces away, but when she say 'boy she releived', and 'deeply thankful' and stuff, it seems more real.....wow, its so weird for me to imagine such a thing...and yet she has said it SO many times, there is NO reason for me to disbeleive her, but I find it INCOMPREHENSIBLE that she cares. This is so weird to me. I think it may be important for me to understand this.
DAMN! Y'know, while scarey....y'know...oh MAN...y'know, it kinda actually feels kinda weirdly GOOD to think she actaully cares...I dunno. Its just wierd.But I think maybe its a good thing.....
Anyhow....we get to go for a walk tomorrow. My T got a chunk of time so we gonna go for a hike and be in nature.
I feel like maybe I am on the cusp of understanding some important concepts.....
Excuse the religious aspect, cuz I not doing good at religion, but I inclined to wonder if God is at work, cuz I think a number of people are praying for me. And this sort of thing is JUST the way Gods always worked in my life. He gets my attn, in a way I understand, but gently, always gently(or gently to my way of thinking LOL!).
So maybe I won't be so stuck. Cuz I been really stuck.
I will try to be a more helpful babbler eventually. Meantime I will try and post so that maybe someone elses journey can be eased by learning from my experiences. Cuz if there's one thing I learned on babble, no matter how weird or dumb or whatever we think we are....we are SO NOT alone!!!!
Thanks so much guys, your caring means alot.
I feel a little hope again. I'd lost it.
I want to help others someday.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I will.
Thank you.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on December 17, 2007, at 15:18:05
In reply to Re: Hi, posted by star008 on December 17, 2007, at 9:29:54
Proly the most important.
Is I didn't hurt noboddy.
That would be the worst :-(
Someboddy said I cannot take on a man...
Oh yes I can...
Maybe not no more so well,
My best weapon is words and tone and body language...
Followed by smarts, assessing situation FAST, taking advantages...
But I used to throw round 50-70 lb boxes, stacking them higher than my head....
Lightning reflexes, I mean FAST.
Very accurate hand eye coordination...
Don't feel pain, can shut it out...
Slippery like an eel....can escape most grips...
I CAN defend myself.....there IS a reason I haven't been messed with....
But what I goto remember is I an old lady now, this body wrecked now.
So to take someone down....I would have to seriously hurt them :-(
Thats no good.
B4 I have much physical control. But now no.
I am happy to know I can defend as neccessary, still better than most, BUT, NOT like I used to be, NOT AT ALL.
I goto remember this to Toughie AND Nasty, they goto know they CANNOT do this. They don't understand.
Its gonna go bad if they try and pull this sh*t on me.
Real bad.
I will remember this.
Thx.
M
Posted by LadyBug on December 17, 2007, at 17:51:25
In reply to I am OK ((((xanax))), posted by muffled on December 17, 2007, at 14:58:48
You are amazing and your T is great too.
I know you'll be ok even though you struggle sometimes.
Sending you good thoughts and hope this passes for you.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by seldomseen on December 18, 2007, at 8:42:54
In reply to Nuther thing, posted by muffled on December 17, 2007, at 15:18:05
Muffled,
I may be way off base, but I have a theory about what is happening here.
I think what is happening to you and what you are doing is about power and control. I suspect the only models you have had about power and control have been those who exerted this by physical force. Like "I can gain control of this situation by beating my way out it - see I WON, I have the power now".
I also suspect that you put yourself in these risky situations when you are feeling particularly vulnerable so that you can exert that physical power and control and reassure yourself that you have it. "Yes I am strong, Yes I am the the aggressor, Yes I have the power. I'm not vulnerable and weak - no sir NOT ME"
I think it is natural that you are confused when people express concern and support for you when you hurt or are at your weakest - previously that might have been a signal for an attack! But hopefully this can be a new model for you.
One where people understand vulnerability and recognize how strong one has to be to be vulnerable.
People do love you Muffled and I'm glad you reached out to your T and got home. It's so nice to be picked up when we are down and led to a safe place.
Again, I may be way off base and if I am, I sincerely apologize.
I guess all I wanted to say is that there is hope, and there can be an end to the violence, and that's all I really want for you.
Seldom.
Posted by muffled on December 18, 2007, at 10:38:13
In reply to Re: Nuther thing » muffled, posted by seldomseen on December 18, 2007, at 8:42:54
> I may be way off base, but I have a theory about what is happening here.
*never off base w/me. I am always wanting to learn. Thank you.
> I think what is happening to you and what you are doing is about power and control. I suspect the only models you have had about power and control have been those who exerted this by physical force. Like "I can gain control of this situation by beating my way out it - see I WON, I have the power now".*You are pretty darn on with this I reckon. I have this thing about being weak. i am better than I used to be. But I REALLY exposed myself last week, and that was hard.
> I also suspect that you put yourself in these risky situations when you are feeling particularly vulnerable so that you can exert that physical power and control and reassure yourself that you have it. "Yes I am strong, Yes I am the the aggressor, Yes I have the power. I'm not vulnerable and weak - no sir NOT ME"*EXACTLY
> I think it is natural that you are confused when people express concern and support for you when you hurt or are at your weakest - previously that might have been a signal for an attack! But hopefully this can be a new model for you.*Yeah..I not big on being vulnerable...
> One where people understand vulnerability and recognize how strong one has to be to be vulnerable.* iam working on this...
> People do love you Muffled and I'm glad you reached out to your T and got home. It's so nice to be picked up when we are down and led to a safe place.*ya, its kinda weird ok
> Again, I may be way off base and if I am, I sincerely apologize.*not off base at all, and I appreciate you taking the time to share your thots. Its all good.
> I guess all I wanted to say is that there is hope, and there can be an end to the violence, and that's all I really want for you.*yea....I think I see light at the end of the tunnel sometimes....
Thanks seldom,
Muffled
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