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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on April 20, 2007, at 11:24:31
It's been turning a hell of a lot lately!
I scheduled an extra appointment with T this week and that was yesterday. On the one hand, it went really well and I felt understood. Mainly because we did some talking about introverts vs. extroverts. I'd told her about a relative I'd been in business with and how sometimes (like once or twice) there were things I just couldn't compromise about. And when those things would arise, this relative would accuse me of being rigid. But what she didn't realize is that I HAD compromised with her many, many times. I just wasn't making a big deal out of it. Anyway, my T explained to me that introverts (me) do most of their processing on the inside, so people hear the conclusion they've come to and not how they got there. Introverts, on the other hand, do most of their processing verbally so we know how they make their way to their decisions. I like this conversation because I felt like she knows I do a LOT of thinking on my own.
And I left the session feeling good. I decided I could be brave and take some of the posts babblers have written to me. I thought I could tell her about babble and that I'm going to meet babblers in person. I thought I could tell her that I'm reading "A General Theory of Love" (I don't know why it feels like such a secret, but it does). And I thought I could ask her about the thing she said in the session that was upsetting (more about that in a minute). But, I knew I wouldn't be courageous for long. So, after much torment, I called yesterday afternoon to ask if she would see me again today.
She couldn't. Bubble bursts. Tears fall.
I only hope I got off the phone before she noticed. She was telling me she was really sorry and I was saying bye and hanging up. Uggghhh.
And now I just feel bad. Why, oh, why could I not hang on to the good things? I really believe she would have seen me if she hadn't already scheduled the day off.
I keep thinking about the one bad thing, too. I'd been telling her how, because of all his dception, I don't know whether I can trust my husband as a friend, and she said something about how every time I did something I didn't really want to do (with or for him), that I was, in essence, being dishonest. I explained that when I did something, I didn't necessarily say to him that I WANTED to do it or LIKED doing it, I just agreed to do it and that I didn't think you should be rubbing it in someone's face when you compromise with them. That sort of moved things into what I wrote above and we never got back to it. Do you guys think those are the same sorts of things? Are they comparable....what he did and what I did?
I did really like having two sessions this week. On Thurs., it was so much easier to pick up where we'd left off on Tues. That was something else I thought I might ask about. My "asker" feels bruised, though. I think hearing "no" would be even worse for that.
Has anyone mentioned that therapy is HARD??
Posted by Honore on April 20, 2007, at 12:02:51
In reply to How quickly the tide can turn, posted by jammerlich on April 20, 2007, at 11:24:31
Jammer, you are doing great. I so admire the risks you've been taking, and the way you've taken the initiative.
It's hard at first-- but you'll get much more used to it. You'll build up that consciousness of the reality that your T (in this case) wanted to see you==-- that other people do want to be there, and value you, even if maybe, at a moment, it doesn't work out, or there's discomfort, or even misunderstanding.
There can be important steps that, over time, will help you put to rest the fear that it's the same old rejection. It isn't, even though it pulls out those old thoughts and feelings from long ago.
It's so important that you're opening up this deeper dialogue. There's so much to share with her, and to explore-- Try not to be discouraged by this disappointment -- or other moments when she might ask a question that sounds scary. I'm sure she didn't mean to equate the two things (your husband's self-deceptions and your not expressing frustration about some things you agree to do). But it may open up a larger discussion about ways that maybe you don't let people know where you are-- which may lead to more confusion and hurt for both over the long run.
I don't know exactly what she had in mind-- but I can't believe she was equating the two-- maybe just saying that we all have our ways of being less than fully honest-- of course--- and perhaps hoping you could look at how that doesn't support you-- and lead to the best communication in your relationships.
Maybe it was a bad segue? or maybe something else-- more interesting, and less hurtful than you imagine? Whatever it is, you're right to remember that you're focussing on the one bad thing, when there are so many good things to remember.
I know it's really hard. But to me, it seems like such a wonderful sign that you've moving forward, that I can't be entirely sad or worried.
{{{Jammer}}}
Honore
Posted by gazo on April 21, 2007, at 21:23:23
In reply to Re: How quickly the tide can turn » jammerlich, posted by Honore on April 20, 2007, at 12:02:51
hey sweet stuff. :o)
now remember, i wasn't there so it's at least 3/4 BS for me to say, but it seems to me that she was pointing out the degrees of dishonesty.. Cake is still cake but doesn't make 'em both chocolate.
remember... he was dishonest to protect himself, you are somewhat dishonest to protect him too.
you will definitely need to explore this more.. especially since it has hit a chord with you.
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