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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 11, 2007, at 20:25:13
I somehow have missed the boat on wassup w/you?
Wassup?
YOU OK?
You'll have to keep it simple cuz I don't understand complicated stuff. Sorry.
Sorry you feeling done :(
Sending you my best wishes for things to get better soon. Which they proly will, cuz when you hit bottom, the only way is up I guess. I think I heard that in AA or something one time. Just so's you don't think I so clever.
((((Dinah))))
Posted by Dinah on March 12, 2007, at 0:25:21
In reply to Dinah?, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 11, 2007, at 20:25:13
Thank you, and you are very thoughtful, you know.
It's been a rough week or so. I'm so tired, and so discouraged.
It'll probably pass eventually.
How are you doing?
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 12, 2007, at 13:46:25
In reply to Re: Dinah? » Iwillsurvive, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2007, at 0:25:21
Thank you Dinah, you a sweetie too :)
I am doing surprizingly well. Fortunately I stopped dissociating so much in T, and I have actually learned some coping stuff. Actually I am pretty proud of myself HA! How bout THAT!
So I up and down, but not too bad. Trying to feel, cuz I not been, and I feel just very logical and a little inhuman.
Sorry your so discouraged.
I seem to recall your kinda getting burned out w/your T or something? And flinging yourself into work?
Mebbe you can talk more when you ready.
So I thinking of you.
Be gentle w/yourself.
Posted by Dinah on March 13, 2007, at 18:55:55
In reply to Re: Dinah? » Dinah, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 12, 2007, at 13:46:25
It's nothing new really. My mother looms large. I'm "just do it"-ing my work. I should be pleased with myself, but instead I'm tireder than dirt and can't imagine continuing on like this, but see no alternative.
I've decided I'm too old for the puppy I was planning to get. The stress of twice a day feeding and medications for several dogs has gotten to me. And the new food must be very fiber rich, because, well...
Something *has* changed in my therapy relationship. There are lots of things both conscious and unconscious that tell me so. But I still adore the idiot, and he still makes me feel calm and safe.
Today I happened to tell him that I had a really fun time at a wedding this weekend, and he astonished me by wanting to dissect every moment of it and why I enjoyed it because "you don't seem to have fun very often." Gee. That felt good.
Posted by mair on March 13, 2007, at 21:31:36
In reply to Re: Dinah? » Iwillsurvive, posted by Dinah on March 13, 2007, at 18:55:55
"Today I happened to tell him that I had a really fun time at a wedding this weekend, and he astonished me by wanting to dissect every moment of it and why I enjoyed it because "you don't seem to have fun very often." Gee. That felt good."
Do I detect a note of sarcasm? (<: I get that too and really hate it. (the "you don't seem to have any fun in your life" statement). I always resent it a little because while I'm not a boisterous light-hearted sort of person, I don't think of my life of being devoid of fun either.
mair
ps: you're never too old to get a puppy. Puppies are a lot of work, but they're also very energizing, not to even mention cute.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 13, 2007, at 23:13:19
In reply to Re: Dinah? » Iwillsurvive, posted by Dinah on March 13, 2007, at 18:55:55
So am I right that you work so you can go to T?
Is there any way you could do other work, or less work, and go to T less.
I guess you wouldn't have med coverage if you p/t, but mebbe your T would sliding scale? And also if you went less often mebbe it would be better somehow?
I dunno, mebbe I just blowing gas out my butt? :)
I know your not big on change, but mebbe if it was planned in small stages somehow?
Sigh.
It just seems you in a rut somehow, I wish I could be helpful to you to figger a way out of it, cuz when you IN it, its hard to see out. Esp if its a deep rut.
But then again, I may just be bloated with some sense of cleverness, and I just SO not very clever.
But I am thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Sorry bout the puppy, but it IS alot of work having many dogs, esp ones needing medical stuff.
So I'll shut up now.
Know that I care Dinah, you a good person.
IWS
Posted by Dinah on March 14, 2007, at 10:24:47
In reply to Re: Dinah? » Dinah, posted by mair on March 13, 2007, at 21:31:36
Isn't that maddening? In my own understated way I have fun quite often, when I'm feeling well. But perhaps I don't talk about it with him. Or maybe he meant that I don't usually have fun at social events, which is true. Weddings are perfect though, because there's no pressure to be social with others. I can just watch and enjoy. I love New Orleans weddings. Candlelight mass ceremonies, wonderful miniature versions of all the things we cook so well, dancing (or watching dancing) with abandon. And it's so easy to find a wall to stand against and enjoy. Whether it's homecooked artichoke balls and jambalaya at the VFW hall with little kids in socks or tights dancing and sliding on the shiny floors and laughing while the grownups dance, or fancy hotel ballrooms with all adult fun I always enjoy myself.
A small breed puppy I might be able to manage. But my inability to wake up in teh morning and the involuntary naps have gotten to the point where I can't handle a large breed puppy and regular trips outside. :(
Posted by Dinah on March 14, 2007, at 10:35:55
In reply to Re: Dinah?, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 13, 2007, at 23:13:19
I think I've given up on change for a while. It was too exhausting me to try. I'm working on sheer survival. One foot in front of the other. Avoiding my mother, doing as much work as I can. Getting frustrated because it seems I work from morning till night, yet am lucky to get in eight hours.
I have been watching myself avoid talking about how awful I feel with my therapist. I wake up every morning, fists clenched, thinking about ways to die. It wears off as the day goes on and during the day I'm just so tired I could lie down and sleep forever. All day every day from morning till night I want to call my therapist, but don't, because what really can he do. Then I see him and don't really talk about it at all. I talk about something else entirely. I think I'm thoroughly bored with the topic, and want diversion during therapy. Something that isn't about work or trouble, and that I can look forward to. I vent a bit, but that's it.
By all veterinary wisdom, I was fully expecting to only have two dogs at this point, which was kind of scary to me. I haven't had only two dogs since my early teens. But my old ladies are tenacious and fighting off cancer and end stage heart disease, respectively, with a grit that I quite admire. I'm very glad to have them with us, and I must be taking better care of them than I think. I gave the one with heart disease a much needed bath Sunday, and her heart was beating so erratically that I put her in a crate to calm down so she wouldn't run around like a mad thing like they do after a bath, and keel over, as she tends to do when she's excited. Of course, she promptly soiled herself, so now she's calm again I need to bathe her again. :)
And there are some exciting possibilities with my young dog that gives me hope that she'll live far longer than the vets expected.
So I suppose I don't really need a puppy right now anyway.
Posted by Dinah on March 14, 2007, at 12:27:47
In reply to Re: Dinah? (Trigger?) » Iwillsurvive, posted by Dinah on March 14, 2007, at 10:35:55
of knowing that you will get through this and you will live?
I don't think I could actually kill myself, both for my son's sake and for lingering religious reasons. But I really wish younger people could will themselves to die the way very old people seem to be able to.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 15, 2007, at 22:29:37
In reply to Re: Dinah? (Trigger?) » Iwillsurvive, posted by Dinah on March 14, 2007, at 10:35:55
> I think I've given up on change for a while. It was too exhausting me to try. I'm working on sheer survival. One foot in front of the other. Avoiding my mother, doing as much work as I can. Getting frustrated because it seems I work from morning till night, yet am lucky to get in eight hours.
*{{{Dinah}}}
>
> I have been watching myself avoid talking about how awful I feel with my therapist. I wake up every morning, fists clenched, thinking about ways to die. It wears off as the day goes on and during the day I'm just so tired I could lie down and sleep forever. All day every day from morning till night I want to call my therapist, but don't, because what really can he do. Then I see him and don't really talk about it at all. I talk about something else entirely. I think I'm thoroughly bored with the topic, and want diversion during therapy. Something that isn't about work or trouble, and that I can look forward to. I vent a bit, but that's it.**Mebbe you need to get more analytical in T, go scientific and see what you guys can come up with. Do the third person thing, and talk as if you talking bout another person. Mebbe you guys can do some problem solving.
I know I said it b4 and forgive me, but mebbe you and T are in a rut. A therapy rut. You've been doing the same old, same old, for a long time, mebbe you need to try something new.
WHAT? you say. :( I don't know, but you could start a thread and see if anyone has ideas...
And you said in another thread that you said to T that he not tender like SD T. But he DOES have milky breasts.....:) or have they gone away? :(
> By all veterinary wisdom, I was fully expecting to only have two dogs at this point, which was kind of scary to me. I haven't had only two dogs since my early teens. But my old ladies are tenacious and fighting off cancer and end stage heart disease, respectively, with a grit that I quite admire. I'm very glad to have them with us, and I must be taking better care of them than I think. I gave the one with heart disease a much needed bath Sunday, and her heart was beating so erratically that I put her in a crate to calm down so she wouldn't run around like a mad thing like they do after a bath, and keel over, as she tends to do when she's excited. Of course, she promptly soiled herself, so now she's calm again I need to bathe her again. :)
>
*Ahhh the joys of geriatric dogs! They SO lucky to have you Dinah!> And there are some exciting possibilities with my young dog that gives me hope that she'll live far longer than the vets expected.
*:-)
>
> So I suppose I don't really need a puppy right now anyway.*Well there you go. And mebbe you will get one, but not just right now maybe....sounds like you got plenty to keep you busy NOW!
Posted by Dinah on March 16, 2007, at 13:50:58
In reply to Re: Dinah? (Trigger?) » Dinah, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 15, 2007, at 22:29:37
I resolutely brought up my reluctance to bring up how badly I'm feeling today. He thought I might not want to disappoint him, but I'm positive it's that I'm just bored of talking about it. And maybe I'm afraid that he's bored too.
It became sort of a running joke through the session, so that made it a little better. He told me he hoped I wouldn't be too bored when he asked the (what I call) CYA questions, and assured me that they weren't *just* CYA to him.
He wants me to call him when I'm feeling the urge to call him, even if I don't think it will help. I'm not sure I will, though.
And he mentioned that he was never sure what kept people who had longstanding suicidal ideation on one side of the line of acting out, and what pushed them to the other. So I mused a bit on what I think kept me from acting on the urges, and when I was in most danger of acting on them. I don't think I'd ever been quite as clear in my thoughts on the subject, and he said with a smile that he'd have to remember what I said. He won't of course. :)
Overall, I think I'd have rather had a fun session, but it wasn't as dull as it would have been if he hadn't kept a sense of humor.
Posted by Daisym on March 17, 2007, at 1:56:41
In reply to Discussed all of that today (Trigger?) » Iwillsurvive, posted by Dinah on March 16, 2007, at 13:50:58
I'd really like to hear what you said, if you want to share. I'm often confounded as to why one stupid promise keeps me here. But as I've said before, it must obviously be more than that, I just use that to justify inaction.
Aren't there times when you just want to lay it all out there? -- the planning, the urges, the whys and why nots...it is a compelling force that feels like it wants to burst forth sometimes. At least for me. But I don't because it will sound too scary and somewhat stupid to say with so much passion.
Sorry -- this probably makes no sense. I'm just curious as to why you think we hold on, when we keep saying we don't want to.
Posted by Dinah on March 19, 2007, at 10:09:23
In reply to Re: Discussed all of that today (Trigger?), posted by Daisym on March 17, 2007, at 1:56:41
There are times that it feels like that promise is all that keeps me tethered here. But there's also my sense of responsibility. My overriding desire since childhood has been to be a good girl. I can't see any way I can justify to myself leaving my son to wonder, as people and especially kids wonder, if he was to blame or if there's anything he did or could have done. Or to hurt whatever people might be hurt by my decision. And then there are lingering religious reasons. Not in the go to h*ll for eternity sort, but more like I really do believe that this life is God's gift to us, and that I am truly fortunate in so many things, that I'm disrespectful and ungrateful enough to even *want* to die. I want to be clear that those are my feelings about myself, not others.
I think the three things that would be most likely to tip me in the opposite direction would be things like accidentally doing serious harm to another or bringing shame to my family, or abandonment, or extreme anger. There are a few specific scenarios I can think of, but overall that's what comes to mind.
At least I think that's the gist of it. I think I might have an ear infection or something and I'm not thinking all that clearly.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 19, 2007, at 11:15:34
In reply to Discussed all of that today (Trigger?) » Iwillsurvive, posted by Dinah on March 16, 2007, at 13:50:58
This is the end of the thread.
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