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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by shrinking violet on November 21, 2006, at 9:40:06
yay, another odd question from SV :-)
Ok, to try to keep this short: I usually send my ex-T greeting cards and short letters for special occasions (holiday, her birthday) but this year for Christmas I thought I would make a short video card that she can play on any DVD player. Nothing "heavy" or long, just a quick "Merry Christmas, thinking of you" kind of thing.
Appropriate or no?
Posted by orchid on November 21, 2006, at 13:14:41
In reply to dvd card for ex-t -- good or bad idea?, posted by shrinking violet on November 21, 2006, at 9:40:06
Hi SV,
Nice to hear from you. How are you?I think it is a bad idea to try to do something special for your Ex T because of the way she terminated you and cutting off all contact with you. Trying to do something more special would only end up hurting you more, since that would lead to increased expectations and will keep the same cycle going on in your mind (the hope that she will respond and the despair when she doesn't).
IMHO, don't even write to her. Or if you have to absolutely, send something very simple and which will help you move in the direction of getting away from her.
Posted by shrinking violet on November 21, 2006, at 19:24:30
In reply to Re: dvd card for ex-t -- good or bad idea? » shrinking violet, posted by orchid on November 21, 2006, at 13:14:41
Hi Orchid:
Thank you for your honest response.I suppose I should be open in return and admit why I'm considering the DVD.
Yes my T was probably wrong in how she handled my work with her in general, esp the termination but also the non-existent boundaries, etc. As a former T I have a lot of unresolved anger and hurt toward her. But, on the other side, I think we did have a personalconnection underlying the other stuff and *that* feeling is what keeps me sendng her cards, etc. I'm not thinking of her much as I used to, andmost days the anger overcomes any softer feeling twoard her, but I know how she is as a person and a part of me just doesn't fathom hurting her. I do plan to write out a long letter to her about my feelings about what happened, and maybe after that time Ill be able to totaly let go and forget about her and stop the letters and cards. Part of me wants to do that now (i.e. not acknowledge the holiday) but, *sigh* I guess my motivation for the DVD isn't as pure as it might seem. I want her to "see" me and remember me, I want any of the feeling that she may have had for me be stirred again by the DVD so that when I do send her that other letter it might affect her more. After two years I'm sure she's been able to distance herself from me (as I have from her in a lot of ways) and I don't want my letter to just be another letter and not affect her that much. I figure if she sees me and hears me, even fora few minutes, it might make the letter "hit home" that much more.
I hope I'm making sense.
So, yeah, I guess that's my reasoning.
Thanks for the feedback.I'm still undecided and confused about it. Some days I think it would work, some days I wonder why bother and dont' want to send anything. :-(
SV
> Hi SV,
> Nice to hear from you. How are you?
>
> I think it is a bad idea to try to do something special for your Ex T because of the way she terminated you and cutting off all contact with you. Trying to do something more special would only end up hurting you more, since that would lead to increased expectations and will keep the same cycle going on in your mind (the hope that she will respond and the despair when she doesn't).
>
> IMHO, don't even write to her. Or if you have to absolutely, send something very simple and which will help you move in the direction of getting away from her.
Posted by muffled on November 21, 2006, at 21:31:10
In reply to Re: dvd card for ex-t -- good or bad idea? » orchid, posted by shrinking violet on November 21, 2006, at 19:24:30
Posted by Orchid on November 22, 2006, at 14:11:51
In reply to Re: dvd card for ex-t -- good or bad idea? » orchid, posted by shrinking violet on November 21, 2006, at 19:24:30
Hi SV
I understand your point perfectly well. But I have my doubts about whether it would work. And if it doesn't have the desired effect on her, you might be even more frustrated and pained.But I do agree, that writing her a long letter and telling her how you felt would help you move away. I am not sure she will respond to that either, but I think it will help you to close the chapter and move on.
But what I would like to suggest even more is for you to find solace in some other person or a group or activity. I am positive that if you meet other caring and nice folks in your life, then this T will become very insignificant in your life, and you will be able to dismiss her as just an ordinary human with lot of faults of her own and who doesn't probably deserve all this attention and pain from you.
This is the end of the thread.
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