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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 1:18:56
Don't bother reading this if my negative thoughts will bother you.
After what happened to me last week, I don't even want to see my T. tomorrow. It's not her, or even the work. It's what we talked about last week. My failed marriage and it's tearing me up. If I had better thoughts about myself I'm sure I'd be coping better with it. But I have a poor self image. It has improved a lot, but I have a lot of work to do. Things like this kick me into a depression and I don't even feel up to anything, I just make myself go through the motions of my life every single day. Inside, I'm crying in pain. I'm desperate for relief. So desperate that I scare myself sometimes. It can't feel much worse to think of wanting to die because I can't take it anymore. I do have some darling daughters, but sometimes they add to my pain of feeling like I'm such a loser of a mom. They remind me often and it hurts. I hate my husband and can hardly stand to be near him. I'm so stuck and being depressed makes it so hard to move forward in my life. I've got to keep moving along my journey.
I've thought about just sitting in the parking lot tomorrow when I go to my appointment and see if she calls me wondering if I'm coming or not. I don't want to have myself opened up to that very very hurtful place, and I know it will happen, then I'll be left alone at the end of the hour with no where to go but home to where I don't want to be. I love my T. The pain isn't caused by her. She's been so good to me. Last week, the day after my appointment, she called and said she knew I left her office and was really struggling and it hurt her heart. :'( She said she wished she could wrap me in her blanket and give me a hug. Da**it, I wish she could too. And I wish it would heal me. Fear, I hate it. I hate me. I hate life. I'm tired of the struggle. I just wish something would go well for me for a change instead of always getting sh** on.
Sorry.
Sad LadyBug
Posted by serena11 on May 18, 2006, at 5:51:03
In reply to I don't want to go see my T. Tomorrow, posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 1:18:56
Dear LadyBug, I know how hard those feelings are. We don't know each other, but I can feel the pain in every letter and word you wrote. It's OK to feel negative; you are going through a terrible time. It's really hard when you need someone to prove that they care, that you are worth it. I can say honestly that you are worth it. But people will always let us down, we will disappoint ourselves, and even if your therapist failed your parking lot test, that wouldn't mean she didn't care and want the best for you. You sound like a strong person. Keep moving. Look forward and keep moving. You are worth it. You are WORTH it. Really WORTH it!!!
Posted by fallsfall on May 18, 2006, at 7:49:33
In reply to I don't want to go see my T. Tomorrow, posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 1:18:56
Please go see your therapist tomorrow. I understand the hopeless feeling, but your therapist does care, and she can help. It is so hard to push ourselves to keep working on this stuff, but that is what we need to do. Let your therapist help you. Things can get better.
Posted by fairywings on May 18, 2006, at 9:26:39
In reply to I don't want to go see my T. Tomorrow, posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 1:18:56
(((ladybug)))
Like serenall, I can feel the pain in what you've written. I hope you'll go to your appt. even if you don't feel like doing anything else. Just seeing her and sitting with her might help.
Are the feelings you have inside deep in the pit of your stomach and heart? And crying from your very center? Do your daughters know how you're feeling? Is there anyone to comfort you? Friends? I wish I could give you a hug, and be there for you. You are worth it ladybug. I hope can keep your daughters in mind when you're feeling at your worst, they need you, and please know you're not a loser mom - You've raised two wonderful daughters. You're a sweet, kind, thoughtful person, you're worth it.
About tomorrow...If you sit in the parking lot won't you wish later you'd been in with her? Can you tell her what you wanted to do instead, and see what she says?
It would feel good to be hugged and held by your T.
fw
Posted by Poet on May 18, 2006, at 14:19:06
In reply to I don't want to go see my T. Tomorrow, posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 1:18:56
Hi LadyBug,
I recognize those negative self image words. I say them about myself all the time for different reasons.
<<I'm so stuck and being depressed makes it so hard to move forward in my life. I've got to keep moving along my journey.
I know and hate that being stuck feeling. I've felt that way in therapy for a long time, but each week there I am sitting in her office hashing out the same old boring issues.
Your T seems to understand what's going on with you, her saying she wanted to wrap you in her blanket and hug you shows she cares. She knows you're feeling stuck and filled with self hatred.
Try to let yourself be emotionally wrapped in that blanket. I know how hard it is to think about seeing her tomorrow. I hope you decide to go, but understand if you don't.
For me therapy is a journey that moves at a snail's pace.
Poet
Posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 14:36:50
In reply to I don't want to go see my T. Tomorrow, posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 1:18:56
Sometimes it is OK to not work on stuff during a session. (It's true - Falls told me!) Sometimes it is OK to just say, "I feel bad today." You don't have to have the solution or know why you feel bad or even know how to make yourself feel better. Because being with someone who allows you to just feel bad actually might make you feel better.
What I hear is how alone you feel. And nothing is worse than that. It took me a long time to figure out how to reach out when I was in pain and the first place I did it was here...just like you are doing. Nothing is too negative, just keep reaching out.
Let us know how it goes, which ever way you decide.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 21:14:28
In reply to I don't want to go see my T. Tomorrow, posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 1:18:56
It was so wierd, she called me today and left me a message and told me she had circled my 5:00 appointment in her appointment book and that meant someone wasn't coming. She said, I'm planning on you coming but I haven't heard from you and I was wondering if you had told me you were't coming and I forgot. If you're not, please let me know. I couldn't believe it because everyday this week I wanted to call and tell her I wasn't going to come in because I didn't want too. We talked about how uncanny that was. What was she thinking when she circled the 5:00 hour? Did she not want me to come in? Did she subconciously know I didn't want to come? Are we that in-sync with each other? She seems to think so and said it was pretty amazing. We had a pertty good visit. She asked what she could do when I feel so low. She seems to care. I didn't leave feeling as bad as I could have, but I tend to hide my pain pretty deep most the time. It's when it comes to the surface that I can't bare it.
Thanks Daisym for letting me know that coming here and letting out my negative feelings is ok.
Thanks to all of you who resonded to my post in such a positive way. It really helped me and helped me see how important it really was to go to my appointment today so I could share with my T was I was thinking about. I asked her for her keys and if she would let me lay down on her couch underneath her blanket and spend the night. Because it would be safe. I'd like to follow her home, that would be safe too. But those aren't options. I'm emotionally drained. I have a job interview tomorrow. I'm hoping to get it but can't get too excited about it. I'm trying to make more money so I can figure a way to get out of this marriage!!! I'm so unhappy.
Thanks to all of you here. You are my rocks!
Love and Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by fairywings on May 18, 2006, at 23:25:20
In reply to Re: I went to see her afterall :-), posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 21:14:28
I"m glad you went to see her LB. Maybe she circled your name bec. she knew you were feeling really low at the last appt? I hope you get the job too - and I hope it's one you really like.
fw
Posted by happyflower on May 19, 2006, at 21:13:06
In reply to Re: I went to see her afterall :-), posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 21:14:28
I am glad your T is working well with you Ladybug. I am glad you went to your appointment too. Good job!
Happyflower
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