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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on May 16, 2006, at 11:01:52
I thought I was feeling less depressed lately, and I attributed it to AD treatment. Now I'm not so sure. I think the only reason I've been feeling better is because I've been avoiding my thesis advisor (she's been super-busy for the last 2 weeks)
Now she's not so busy, so she starts asking me about my work and my deadlines, and asking me to meet with such and such to do some networking in anticipation of getting a job next year. She's nice, and usually innocuous, but for whatever reason, I feel super edgy and pressured, and stressed out.
I think I might be on my way to another crisis. I don't know what to do. Even a casual conversation evokes these strong feelings of hopelessness (i'm never going to finish my PhD, I'm never going to get a job).
I have such conflicted feelings about my thesis advisor. On the one hand, she's my colleague and my collaborator. I need her participation to make my projects successful. On the other hand, I avoid her, because when she puts even the slightest bit of pressure on me, I feel super-anxious, and then I lapse into despair. So irrational.
When she neglects me, I grow resentful, and my self-confidence wanes. When she pays attention to me, I want to run away. When she says something hurtful, I get angry, but then I feel guilty, because she's universally admired for being a nice person. When she says something complimentary, I feel like I'm not worthy of her praise. When she asks me how my work is going, I want to cry.
I think we got along pretty well for years. I'm not sure what changed. I know I changed. Did she change too? Will our relationship be restored when I start working better and harder? Will I have more self-confidence if my studies are successful? I don't know how much of this is work-related, and how much of this is depression-related. So confused.
Posted by Racer on May 16, 2006, at 12:23:06
In reply to intrapersonal stress, posted by llrrrpp on May 16, 2006, at 11:01:52
Have you talked to her about this? I know that sounds overly intimidating -- or, that is, it would be for me -- but maybe getting that out between you would help?
You don't have to tell her all of it, but maybe something like, "You know, I've been having kinda a hard time lately. I guess I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself, but lately I find that I'm avoiding you, too, because I'm so anxious about my work. I'm sorry, and I hope you understand that this is Doctoral Nerves." And then tell her what might help you. Maybe it's something like, "Can we meet regularly, just for a five minute update," or "how about we only meet once a month, with an agenda, so that I can feel more prepared," or whatever it would take?
If you can't do that, maybe make up a mantra that would help you deal with it -- "In order to get to be a thesis advisor, she had to complete her own thesis. She went through this, too."
Or, just ignore everything I've said so far and know that you've got a lot of well-wishing here.
Posted by llrrrpp on May 16, 2006, at 14:57:46
In reply to Re: intrapersonal stress, posted by Racer on May 16, 2006, at 12:23:06
> Have you talked to her about this? I know that sounds overly intimidating -- or, that is, it would be for me -- but maybe getting that out between you would help?
Well, a month ago, I sent her an e-mail that I was incredibly depressed, and that I needed more constructive help on finding a job next year. She had said something to the effect of "you're really limiting yourself by only looking in one area" and she didn't realize that my priority was to stay near my family. This particular interchange caused a tremendous crisis, and I got out of if by sending the e-mail. She replied to the e-mail with much sensitivity, and said something to the effect of - i respect your priorites, we'll figure something out, we'll have to talk more about this. Since then we've had a truce, but my mental health continued to deteriorate. Sometimes I think I'm stronger, but today I got a double-whammy. I'm reeling. (see also post on Social from about 30 minutes ago).
> You don't have to tell her all of it, but maybe something like, "You know, I've been having kinda a hard time lately. I guess I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself, but lately I find that I'm avoiding you, too, because I'm so anxious about my work. I'm sorry, and I hope you understand that this is Doctoral Nerves." And then tell her what might help you. Maybe it's something like, "Can we meet regularly, just for a five minute update," or "how about we only meet once a month, with an agenda, so that I can feel more prepared," or whatever it would take?
These are good ideas. I will need to do some work in order to meet, however. She tends to blow off meetings anyways. Forgetting them, or double-scheduling them. Then I feel rejected. I think the e-mail might be the best way.
>
> If you can't do that, maybe make up a mantra that would help you deal with it -- "In order to get to be a thesis advisor, she had to complete her own thesis. She went through this, too."
>
A mantra- you mean something other than "i wanna quit, i wanna quit" Sorry I'm so pessimistic.> Or, just ignore everything I've said so far and know that you've got a lot of well-wishing here.
i won't ignore it, but I will let it ferment and adopt these strategies piecemeal as the occasion arises. And your well-wishes fall on open ears (and an open mind) thanks racer
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