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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 19 to 43 of 43. Go back in thread:
Posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 20:07:41
In reply to Re: she didnt call.. im falling apart » wishingstar, posted by bent on May 10, 2006, at 19:56:08
I wouldnt even know what to say to her now if she did call... I have nothing to say. I'm so hurt and so angry, I just wouldnt have anything to say.
Because of the anger piece, a big part of me doesnt want to talk to her. At all really. All I've been asking her for over the past month or so has been to listen to me.. not to fix anything, nothing.. just listen and be there with me.. and I just dont feel like she is. I'm sure I play a role in that too, but still. I'm really angry. Therapy is supposed to be about me and what I need and what I believe, not what she believes or wants me to believe. A big part of me is afraid then when I do finally talk to her again, she's just going to start talking about transfernce again.. and I just cant take that. I may be hypersensitive to these things because of my past, but this is about HER right now. Not my mother or anyone else.
I'm considering calling tomorrow and cancelling my session on Monday. I told her it'd be my last in the message, so I guess I'd ask to rescheudle for the week after and have that be the last, if I stick with that plan. I just dont think therapy is worth the emotional disaster its creating.
Back a year or so ago when I was seeing her the first time, she told me I could call her if I needed to.. even gave me her home number once when I was feeling suicidal. Now, she hasnt ever even mentioned that I can call, and if I mention feeling suicidal (which I do often), I feel like it's pretty much ignored. I just want to scream. I'm trying SO hard to be real with her and she's not making it easy. I think I need her, but I need her for something she cant/isnt willing to give me.
I guess I am overreacting. I know I am. I'm building it up in my mind, and yeah.. I guess that's related to my family and my past. But it doesnt make it hurt any less.
Posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 20:11:22
In reply to Re: she didnt call.. im falling apart, posted by annierose on May 10, 2006, at 20:04:45
I'm not so hurt about the old T who was supposed to call monday.. a little maybe, but I dont think I'd care so much if it wasnt for what's going on with my current T right now. It's just the icing on the cake, as they say.
She probably would call back if I specifically asked her to. But I dont feel like I have anything to say to her anymore. I would have no idea what to say if she called me right now. I just wrote more on that in the reply to Bent.. but I'm angry on top of the hurt, and I just have nothing to say. I just want to be done with this. I guess I want her to care in a way that she doesnt or cant. It's a professional relationship. I have to keep that in my head I guess.
Posted by happyflower on May 10, 2006, at 20:13:04
In reply to Re: she didnt call.. im falling apart » bent, posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 20:07:41
I agree with the others, call her back and tell her you need to talk to her even if it is to reconnect with her. It is okay to need your T and please don't cancel with her, because of this. (((((((wishing star))))))
Posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 20:37:45
In reply to T wont stop talking!, posted by wishingstar on May 8, 2006, at 22:51:40
You guys are the best..
I called her again. My old T (the one who I wasnt so upset about) finally did call me back just a few minutes ago.. and she was so sweet and so genuine. It made me feel really good. And I was thinking about everything you all have said.. so I took the moment of feeling proactive and went with it. I called her and just rambled on her machine.. I said I want her to call me, and I dont know what I'll say when she does, but I'm just falling apart, and I'm really trying to help myself and I'm fighting the urge to quit.. I dont know. I hope it was the right decision. I wish shed call me back NOW but it's almost 10pm, so I'm sure it wont be until tomorrow. I really dont know what I'll say. Any suggestions?! (kidding.. mostly).
But wow, talking to the old T, even for 5 min, really made me miss her. She's definitely the best therapist I've ever had.
Posted by happyflower on May 10, 2006, at 20:53:10
In reply to I called again, posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 20:37:45
I am proud of you star! yeah! :-) I am glad your old T called you back, and that you can see her again.
But I am really glad you called your current T back and asked her to call you. I am sure she will know what to say. My T always does, and on phone calls (which he keeps very short) , he controls the conversation most of the time. So maybe you won't have to say anything, in fact I think you already did in your message. I am sure she can tell you are frusterated and wanting to quit. If she is a good T , she will know what to say to help you feel better. Good for you for reaching out!
Now it is late, she probably is in bed sleeping , so that is what you should do too! Get some sleep, get up in the morning, get dressed and try to keep busy and not just wait by the phone. If you are at home all day, try cleaning or something, you can accomplish 2 things, to get your mind off when she is going to call, and have a nice clean house. Good luck and I hope you have a nice conversation ! Sweet dreams!
Posted by B2chica on May 11, 2006, at 10:26:13
In reply to I called again, posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 20:37:45
WISHINGSTAR!!!!!
that's Wonderful! i'm SO glad you called them back...BOTH of them!
good for you. it's a Big step that you should be very proud of.
and i'm glad just hearing the voice of your old T made you feel better.b2c.
Posted by madeline on May 11, 2006, at 14:08:28
In reply to I called again, posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 20:37:45
Posted by annierose on May 11, 2006, at 19:49:34
In reply to I called again, posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 20:37:45
Posted by wishingstar on May 11, 2006, at 20:50:18
In reply to Any word? (nm) » wishingstar, posted by madeline on May 11, 2006, at 14:08:28
Well... yes and no.
She called at 10:30 this morning while I was in the shower (what timing). She left a message and said she'd try back later in the morning or early afternoon. (She never answers her own phone, so I have to wait for her to call me).
Morning and afternoon passed. I had rehearsal (I'm in a ballet soon) tonight and had to leave about 4:30.. didnt mention that on the message cause I didnt think it'd be a problem. She said she'd call early. Well as I was leaving, I left a message and said I was leaving and wouldnt be back until late, so I guess we wouldnt get to talk.. and to just forget about it because we'd talk Monday, and it wasnt that important.
Around 8, she called and apologized for "missing me" (no, she didnt miss me.. she never called back!) She said she wanted to call me tomorrow, and could call between 8-8:30am or 1-1:30pm. That's it. I'm supposed to leave a message tonight with which time is better. Apparently shes going to some workshop. Well I'm leaving home early tomorrow so 1-1:30 is bad, and 8am.. I will have just woken up and wont really be feeling anything or making much sense at that point. Really not worth it. I dont want to finally get her on the phone and then act like everything is fine, because it's really not. I'm thinking I might just tell her I'll be out of town and I'll just talk to her Monday. I just dont care anymore.
I'm really mad and really hurt. I want to say.. dont you know how hard it was for me to ask you for help? You didnt have 1 free second today after 10:30? I was sick to my stomach all day with nerves. How am I supposed to trust her, especially now? I know I'm probably overreacting, but I cant help it. I'm just done. I feel like she doesnt like me lately, and I just dont know why. I cant think of one thing I could have possibly done. I did wear a shirt that said "gay? fine by me" to her office a few weeks ago (it was a university campaign to show support for homosexuality) and she seemed very off that day.. I wonder if she strongly disagreed with my views or something? I cant imagine that would do this though. I've had other Ts do this in the past too (not call me back for days when it was important).. what's the deal? I'm trying so dang hard, and it's definitely not being reinforced. It hurts. A lot. I feel completely abandoned and like my trust has been betrayed. I need her to be there for me so badly.. but I dont know how to let her. I'm still thinking very strongly about quitting. I just dont know.
Thanks everyone for all your support.. I dont know where I'd be without you all to tell this to.
Posted by madeline on May 11, 2006, at 21:14:04
In reply to Re: Any word? » madeline, posted by wishingstar on May 11, 2006, at 20:50:18
WOW! I'm really sorry. But it does sound as though she is trying to get in touch with you.
Maybe you should take the 8:00 am call? I don't know. One thing I would do for sure is to let her know how you feel, whether it is on monday or in the morning.
She is doing something that you don't like and it is important that she knows it. It is important for you to tell her.
Even if therapy with her doesn't work out, you still need to let her know how you feel. If she has any training at all, she will listen and work with you to try to make therapy workable for YOU.
I'll be thinking about you.
Good luck.
Posted by wishingstar on May 11, 2006, at 22:37:29
In reply to Re: Any word? » wishingstar, posted by madeline on May 11, 2006, at 21:14:04
Thanks. I just left her a message about tomorrow. I said she can try calling at 8 if she wants, if itll make her feel better.. but I dont really have anything to say, so it's up to her. So we'll see what happens. 90% of me hopes she doesnt call. The message came off sounding really passive-aggressive and not at all how I wanted it to.. but oh well. I'll let you know what happens, if anything.
Posted by wishingstar on May 11, 2006, at 22:43:27
In reply to Re: Any word? » wishingstar, posted by madeline on May 11, 2006, at 21:14:04
Okay, I called and left a second message. Boy, I bet shes sick of hearing from me! Hah, oh well. I said that I felt like my last message sounded really passive aggressive and I wanted to clairify what I meant. I told her that it's not that I dont have anything to say, but that I dont want to talk.. and I'm feeling sort of angry and sort of hurt.. so she can call if she wants, but she doesnt need to feel like she has to, because I dont really want to talk anyway.
So now the emotions are out there, so even if she doesnt call, she knows for Monday. I know it'll be hard for me to mention in person.. so I hope that's enough to get her to bring it up if I cant.
Posted by B2chica on May 12, 2006, at 9:38:05
In reply to Re: Any word? 2nd message » madeline, posted by wishingstar on May 11, 2006, at 22:43:27
This is GREAT wishingstar!
i know that sounds rude because you are hurt and angry. but i am very impressed. you called her, told her how you feel, told her about the last message and left it at that!
that was very very good.
and like you said now the ball is in her court and either way it is out there for monday.(i hope she does call you back)
hugsb2c.
> Okay, I called and left a second message. Boy, I bet shes sick of hearing from me! Hah, oh well. I said that I felt like my last message sounded really passive aggressive and I wanted to clairify what I meant. I told her that it's not that I dont have anything to say, but that I dont want to talk.. and I'm feeling sort of angry and sort of hurt.. so she can call if she wants, but she doesnt need to feel like she has to, because I dont really want to talk anyway.
>
> So now the emotions are out there, so even if she doesnt call, she knows for Monday. I know it'll be hard for me to mention in person.. so I hope that's enough to get her to bring it up if I cant.
Posted by wishingstar on May 12, 2006, at 20:57:52
In reply to T wont stop talking!, posted by wishingstar on May 8, 2006, at 22:51:40
Oh boy. She called back. She said she was available between 8 and 8:30, and interestingly called at 8:27.. thought that was weird. But anyway.
She basically said that she hears that I'm feeling hurt and angry and that shes glad I told her.. she kept saying referring to my feelings being because she "wasnt available like I'd hoped she would be" but that felt sort of devalidating to me. It's that she said she'd call during the morning and didnt. That's why I'm hurt. I feel like her wording makes it sound like I'm just super sensitive (which I am, but still) and overreacting. I dont feel like that's true. But who knows.
I wasnt all that nice on the phone.. I know I had a bit of an attitude and wasnt saying a lot.. and what I did say was probably kind of dismissive.. but I'm mad!
The thing that upset me the most from the whole conversation (which only lasted maybe 5 min) was that she never said sorry. I wasnt hoping for any drawn out apology, just a "I'm sorry I didnt call" would have helped so much. As it is, I dont feel like I can trust her one bit.. but an apology would have at least laid the first brick so I could try to step back into trusting again in the next few weeks. Without it, I'm feeling way too guarded - and I think it's for good reason - to try to trust her again.
I'll see her Monday. I'm planning to let her know how mad I am, but that will be easier said than done.. it's so easy to slip into the people-pleaser role for me. We'll see how it goes.
Thanks ALL of you for your support with all this.
Posted by wishingstar on May 12, 2006, at 20:59:21
In reply to Re: Any word? 2nd message, posted by B2chica on May 12, 2006, at 9:38:05
Thank you B2chica.. it really helps to hear that someone thinks I'm doing a good job at something right now. I really am trying my best, but it doesnt always look that way I guess. Thanks again.
Posted by Dinah on May 12, 2006, at 21:20:05
In reply to she called me back!, posted by wishingstar on May 12, 2006, at 20:57:52
I wish they understood the nuances of callback triggering. A few simple words could stave off a fair amount of hurt, I think.
My therapist said yesterday that he could see me today but he wasn't sure when because he didn't have his appointment book. He said he'd call back. He called after two today to ask how I was doing and if I needed to see him. Hardly what I expected. I told him it was a bit late to schedule anything and I'd see him Sunday as scheduled.
Then I silently thanked him for making me realize how little I had to lose in him.
And he'd never get it even if I bothered to tell him about it. :(
I hope yours is a bit more sensitive.
Posted by annierose on May 12, 2006, at 22:13:33
In reply to she called me back!, posted by wishingstar on May 12, 2006, at 20:57:52
I'm glad she called you back. I know it's hard to be open minded to hear what she is saying when we are so angry inside ourselves. You need to tell her specifically why you are so angry. She is talking about x,y and z and you are angry about a,b, and c.
I harbored hurt feelings towards my T for a few weeks a while back. Even though she kept saying she was sorry, I didn't feel it. It took time going over and over the same situation that made me angry, then letting time heal my wound, and time letting her words sink into my skin.
I do believe it's worth it to see these hurtful moments through with our therapists. It can be one of those darn "learning opportunities". Please tell her why you are so angry. Tell her how you wished she would have responded. What you wished she could have said. Yes, it's hard. But you will learn so much about yourself and your therapist in doing so.
I'm glad she called back. She does care about you. 8:27 p.m. is still before 8:30. Cut her some slack if you are able.
Posted by annierose on May 12, 2006, at 22:16:55
In reply to Re: she called me back! » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on May 12, 2006, at 21:20:05
I hear so much hurt in your post. I am so sorry you are in so much pain.
He is your therapist. He is human. And he isn't himself and hasn't been since Katrina. I hope you find the courage and strength to move forward with your life. You deserve happiness within yourself. Your therapist can't do that for you right now.
I worry about you and love you.
Annierose
Posted by madeline on May 13, 2006, at 8:31:05
In reply to she called me back!, posted by wishingstar on May 12, 2006, at 20:57:52
you know sometimes it's enough for them to recognize that we are hurt and empathize with us.
Sometimes we don't need to know why THEY think that we are hurt, they just need to know that we are and dang it, APOLOGIZE if they had a role in it.
My therapist apologizes all the time, and I respect him a lot for it. It's helped me to realize that he is not perfect, but that he clearly merits forgiveness.
What I can say is that your therapist is one person that you do not have to "people please". I say let her have it. If you are over-reacting, well you are over-reacting so be it.
Practice in front of the mirror. Take in a script, do what you need to do, but tell this woman what you need from her.
If you need her to shut up, tell her just that "shut up".This is about YOU, not her.
Maddie
Posted by wishingstar on May 13, 2006, at 9:45:20
In reply to Re: she called me back! » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on May 12, 2006, at 21:20:05
Yes.. you're so right. And I feel the same way you do right now.. I dont think she'll get it no matter what I say.. and the "how little I have to lose." Yeah. But she obviously knows something is wrong, so I'll tell her anyway and see what happens. But you're right, it seems so little but it really can cause so much hurt.
I'm sorry your T did that to you and that you're not getting much support from him right now. I'm sure that hurts. I know it would for me. The therapy relationship can just be so hard. Hang in there.
Posted by wishingstar on May 13, 2006, at 9:50:18
In reply to Re: she called me back! » wishingstar, posted by madeline on May 13, 2006, at 8:31:05
I hadnt been able to put it in those words in my head, but yes, you're exactly right. I dont need her to make any big interpretations or anything here.. I just need her to hear that I'm hurting and apologize. In my counseling techniques class, they've told us many times that sometimes you have to apologize even if you think you're right (as the counselor). I dont even really care that much if she privately thinks she's right.. I just wish she'd recognize that her action hurt me and say she's sorry. The end. No one ever apologized for hurting me as a kid, that's for sure. (wow, there's another piece I didnt realize until just now)
I'm going to try my best to "let her have it" and tell her I'm angry. So much depends on how I'm feeling that morning.. but I'm going to reread what I wrote here and hope it goes well.
Thanks for your help.
Posted by wishingstar on May 13, 2006, at 10:00:57
In reply to Re: she called me back! » wishingstar, posted by annierose on May 12, 2006, at 22:13:33
I'm not really angry about the 8:27 thing.. I threw it in more as a side note than a big issue. The only thing that makes me unhappy about it was that it was 8:27am, not pm..... too early for me! :)
I guess I know that my reaction is so intense partly because of my own "issues".. but I dont want to be open minded with her right now. I dont really care what the reason is.. and I know that isnt very sensitive.. but I dont. This was the first time (I'm pretty sure) that I've ever called her to ask for help when things are going badly in all the time I've been seeing her (probably about a year). Asking for help and verbalizing emotions are very hard for me. I guess if I had called many times in the past and she'd been there, it'd be easier to push this off to the side as a mistake.. but it's just hard because it was the first time. I was thinking last night that it's sort of like a person who is afraid to fly, for instance, and on their very first flight, the plane crashes. They live, but no way in heck are they getting on another plane anytime soon. Sure, that's much more extreme than this.. but it's how I'm feeling.
I am going to try my best to tell her what I'm angry about so that we're on the same page. I'm just really afraid she won't get it. I know I cant control what she does, but if she'll just say that she's sorry or take even a small part of the responsibility here (rather than brushing it off to my problems completely), I think I'll be able to move on. But she HAS to see her part in it for me to be able to trust her. Maybe that's crazy. I dont know.
Just a side note.. when I read your post, and saw your name, I had a big moment of paranoia. What you posted sounded a little like something my T could have said, and her name is Anne. Yikes! Dont worry, I'm over it now.. it was just a brief moment of "what if..." :)
Posted by madeline on May 13, 2006, at 12:05:31
In reply to Re: she called me back! » madeline, posted by wishingstar on May 13, 2006, at 9:50:18
No, don't hope all goes well.
MAKE it all go well.
It is well within your power to express how you feel, what you want and what you want her to do.
Anger is NOT a bad emotion. The expression of anger does not have to hurt anyone, or make people leave us, or overwhelm us.
We may have been abused as kids, but, you know, we are not kids any more. We are functioning, competent adults, with a will and a spirit of our own. We are now responsible for what happens to us and this is a very very positive thing.
It means:
We can effect change in our environment.
We can ask for what we want and be entitled to receive it.
We can make things better for ourselves now.
We set the "rules for engagement" so to speak, over our bodies, our hearts.
We can ask for help and receive it or deny it on our terms.So don't hope, understand that it is within your power to MAKE it happen.
YOU control therapy. Not her.
Maddie
Posted by wishingstar on May 13, 2006, at 22:52:08
In reply to Re: she called me back! » wishingstar, posted by madeline on May 13, 2006, at 12:05:31
Yes.. I guess what I meant was that I hope I find it within myself to say everything I want to say. I know that is within my control and not at all hers.. but its easier said than done! I'm going to try my best though.
In fact, I've been told in other therapy settings (although not by my present T) that I try to control the session TOO much! Who knows. Control is a funny issue. But thanks for that. You're very right.
Posted by madeline on May 14, 2006, at 18:13:34
In reply to Re: she called me back! » madeline, posted by wishingstar on May 13, 2006, at 22:52:08
This is the end of the thread.
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