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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by James K on March 29, 2006, at 3:29:36
I know everyone is asleep or at work right this second, but I have to talk about this. In six hours, no make that 5 hours and 45 minutes, I have to be in the admissions office of someone that hurt my feelings so I cussed her out and reported her to her boss. And I have to convince that person that I'm insane enough for insurance to pay for inpatient treatment, but sane enough not to be disruptive of their program. I don't want to be in the same office as her, or talk to her, and I'm afraid I'm going to chicken out.
I've been asleep, but without sleep aids or cns depressants, I have insomnia. Also night sweats. I've gotten through this last week of hospitalization by just going along without thinking of this upcoming moment. I invented a phrase for myself "Don't do anything today that will make tomorrow worse." But they let me come home before transferring to the other facility, and I am scared or perhaps I am suffering from anxiety.
I was going to deflect my anxiety about this upcoming situation by engaging in an imaginary dispute here on the internet, but that would just be a deflection, and once I realized that, it lost it's luster. I'm going back to bed, and try to sleep a little more.
So much money, so much intense therapy, scrutiny, socialization. I don't want to face these people. I don't want to cry. I don't want to disapoint the only psychiatrist who ever believed in me and worked extra to get me this chance. or my wife.
I hope by posting this, I can clear my brain a little.
thanks,
James K
Posted by Tamar on March 29, 2006, at 7:14:22
In reply to I am scared right this second, posted by James K on March 29, 2006, at 3:29:36
Aw James, that sounds like a horrible situation to be facing. I hate facing people who have hurt my feelings, and it’s even worse when you want something from them.
I think there is one obvious way forward with this, to help you to get what you want. I’m going to say it, but I don’t think you’ll like it. I don’t think you’ll like it at all.
I think the answer is to go to your meeting with her and apologise to her for cussing her out. But I can imagine that the very idea could make you feel as if you’re worthless. Why should you apologise to her, when she was the one who hurt you? That’s what I’d expect you to say to me. And that’s a perfectly natural reaction. Of course you shouldn’t have to apologise to her. Of course she should have been more sensitive towards you in the first place. And yet, to get what you want, you probably need to apologise to her.
The trick, I think, is figuring out how to apologise to her and mean it without feeling you’re giving up your self-respect and your self-worth; without wishing she would have the sensitivity to apologise to you instead. Because if you do decide to apologise you probably have to find some way to mean it otherwise you probably won’t be able to say it: the words will stick in your throat.
And I also think apologising could trigger you. I think it could remind you of deeply unfair situations from your childhood where your feelings were ignored or ridiculed. And that’s why I think perhaps you need to find a way of apologising that you can really mean. I don’t think it would help you to say you’re sorry if you’re really not sorry at all, because it could be damaging to you.
When you look back at the situation, is there anything you wish you had done differently in response to this woman’s insensitivity? Of course, I can imagine you wish she hadn’t hurt your feelings in the first place. But do you wish on any level that you had been able to respond differently? I know when I’ve been in conflict with total strangers I usually feel that I’m completely in the right and they’re completely in the wrong. And I find it hard to see things from the other person’s point of view. When a stranger hurts my feelings I don’t care if I hurt theirs back.
And yet… I wonder if perhaps this woman is less intelligent than you and less articulate than you. I’m sure she’s less sensitive than you. She failed to be the human being you needed her to be at that moment, probably because she wasn’t bright enough or sympathetic enough to understand or foresee that you would be hurt. Most hurt is caused by accident rather than deliberately. And it may be hard to imagine; it might seem obvious to you that what she did would have hurt anyone. But many people don’t stop to think about the consequences of what they do or say. They’re not trying to hurt you; they’re just not thinking of your feelings.
But that’s hard to accept if you have experienced sadistic violence at the hands of people who really were trying to hurt you and who were supposed to be responsible for your welfare. And so any hurt that other people cause you probably feels deliberate to you. At the very least you might wonder why people can’t be more sensitive.
Perhaps she deserved every bit of your reaction. Perhaps she deserved to be cussed out and reported to her boss. I’m not trying to minimize your experience or tell you that your response was inappropriate. But I wonder a little bit whether some of the anger you directed towards her was linked to anger from the past at the way you have been treated by other people.
Is it possible for you to feel compassion towards yourself about your anger? What I mean is: you were very hurt and you reacted to this woman in a way that is now making you feel even worse. You don’t deserve to feel so awful. You don’t deserve to feel out-of-control angry. You don’t deserve to feel so very hurt by something a virtual stranger says or does. You anger is very real and very powerful and entirely understandable, but it is also hurting you. (((((James))))) I suspect you’re beating yourself up about how you reacted and at the same time feeling it was all this woman’s fault for starting it. And maybe she did start it. Maybe you’re right. But is there any way you can find one little aspect of your reaction that you think could have been a little bit disproportionate? If you can find one tiny reason to apologise, it should be enough. (Even if it’s a minor as believing she deserved to be called x and y, but perhaps z was overly harsh.)
If you asked me for advice, I’d say: Go in there with your held high, but without arrogance. You are an adult man. You are the equal of every other person on this planet. You are not perfect but you are doing your best. And if you can, say to her: “I’d like to apologise for what I said to you the last time we met. I’m trying very hard to overcome the effects of a terrible childhood and I know I need to work on my anger. That’s one of the reasons I want so much to be admitted to this program.”
If you are able to say that, you should (I hope) persuade her that you are emotionally mature enough to benefit from the program, and I think you’ve already demonstrated how much you need this help!
I hope it goes well for you. And if you cry, you’re not showing your vulnerability. You’re only demonstrating your humanity. Crying is *not* a sign of weakness. And even if you cry in front of this woman, she can’t possibly hurt you more than you’re hurting already.
Maybe by the time you read this you’ll already have been to your appointment (I’m not sure about the time difference). I’ll be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by milly on March 29, 2006, at 7:26:45
In reply to I am scared right this second, posted by James K on March 29, 2006, at 3:29:36
**Hi james, i don't think I have anything great to say only that I'm sorry you have to face that person again and 'behave' to get what you want out of her, but think how far you've come and you don't want to stop now.> I know everyone is asleep or at work right this second, but I have to talk about this. In six hours, no make that 5 hours and 45 minutes, I have to be in the admissions office of someone that hurt my feelings so I cussed her out and reported her to her boss.
** She hurt your feelings, maybe she deserved a reminder of who is the client in this situation, maybe she has learnt something for herself about how to treat people, maybe you did her a favour
>And I have to convince that person that I'm insane enough for insurance to pay for inpatient treatment, but sane enough not to be disruptive of their program.
** Don't you just hate the power some people have over our lives
> I don't want to be in the same office as her, or talk to her, and I'm afraid I'm going to chicken out.
** Don't chicken out, shes just a small cog in the process of getting you where you want to be, she's nothing.
> I've been asleep, but without sleep aids or cns depressants, I have insomnia. Also night sweats. I've gotten through this last week of hospitalization by just going along without thinking of this upcoming moment.
** I'm sorry you are having a physically hard time at the moment
>I invented a phrase for myself "Don't do anything today that will make tomorrow worse."
** Good phrase, I tend to use "Be good, don't hit him"
>But they let me come home before transferring to the other facility, and I am scared or perhaps I am suffering from anxiety.
**the unknown is scary but soon it won't be the unknown.
> I was going to deflect my anxiety about this upcoming situation by engaging in an imaginary dispute here on the internet, but that would just be a deflection, and once I realized that, it lost it's luster. I'm going back to bed, and try to sleep a little more.
** I truely hope you managed to sleep a little more, it is useful to be rested before coping with stressful situations
> So much money, so much intense therapy, scrutiny, socialization. I don't want to face these people. I don't want to cry. I don't want to disapoint the only psychiatrist who ever believed in me and worked extra to get me this chance. or my wife.
** (((((((((James))))))))
> I hope by posting this, I can clear my brain a little.** hope so too
> thanks,
> James K** Take care milly
Posted by Dinah on March 29, 2006, at 10:51:07
In reply to I am scared right this second, posted by James K on March 29, 2006, at 3:29:36
I hope that it goes well, James. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by B2chica on March 29, 2006, at 10:58:15
In reply to I am scared right this second, posted by James K on March 29, 2006, at 3:29:36
(((((((((james))))))))))
it would be no surprise if you have some extreme anxiety and rightly so. what a stressful situation.
just remember, you are ok, you are getting help, you deserve it.
and you can cry on my shoulder ANYtime you need to.
i hope writing on babble helped you some. just don't forget we are all pulling for you. i'm probably too late but i'm sending you good vibes your way...>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>b2c.
here's an extra hug
((((((((jamesk)))))))))))
Posted by fairywings on March 29, 2006, at 12:24:05
In reply to I am scared right this second, posted by James K on March 29, 2006, at 3:29:36
I would be worried too, but you've been doing well to try to think this through b4 hand. Hopefully bec. of where this person works they will have some compassion and empathy, maybe it's not the first time they've run into this situation. Isn't there anyone else you could see instead? Couldn't you have someone else accompany you? Could you have someone go by proxy?
I guess you've already gone now. I hope it went well and you can put your mind at ease.
fw
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