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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 10:01:33
yesterday was a terrible session even though i think he'd mentioned it before i needed to hear someone from a third party say those words, that i was raped and sexually assulted many times in my life from different people.
i need those words so my mind will stop arguing with itself-so the war inside would end. we talked alot and i was so drained i stayed outside his office after session an smoked a ciggarette, i wasn't "with it" enough to drive home. i waited about 10-15 min and then left. i went home and had to change into comfy close and crawl into bed. i couldn't move, i wanted to bawl but my hubby was there and he want's to know why i was in bed. i told him the session was draining and i just need some time. i started to cry infront of him. i almost told him about our session and really tell him, but then he started the "i just don't understand why you always want to die" speech. i wasn't crying cuz of that, i told him, but he just kept going on and saying we can never have kids cuz its' just a matter of time before i kill myself. and some other fine words on the matter.
well, that totally ruined the mood of my telling him i'd been raped. (notice i can write the word now? still can't say it outloud but i can write it...i feel good about that).the session yesterday was bad enough that at home, before i changed i downed my zyprexa 2 xanax and a beer. later took 3 more xanax (at 1mg each) i knew it wasn't enough to kill me but it would knock me out. it did. it was bad that i played with my pills and i'm trying to stop but it was either that or (graphic) slice my leg and arm wide open, which is what i wanted to do. i didn't
anyway, my t went 1/2 hour over again for me last night and said if i felt i needed to come in today i could. i just called this morning and i can get in in an hour. i'm a little worried about this weekend and i need some stability. my T hopefully will give that to me.
b2c.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 22, 2005, at 11:05:04
In reply to tough but long and good session yesterday., posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 10:01:33
Sweetie,
I'm sorry your session was so draining. I have days when I come home from sessions and crawl into bed, too. Fortunately, I'm alone in the house, so I have the freedom to do this.It sounds like you are making progress, and that is a good thing. But it also hurts like hell. I'm so proud of you for actively working not to SI.
I wish your husband was able to understand better what you are struggling with. That's a very hard conversation to have with an SO. Do you think it might help for him to find an online support place for SO's? Or maybe is there a book he can read? I finally sent my hubby to therapy so that he can get some support and hopefully some understanding about what's going on with me so that he isn't so frustrated and stressed all the time. It took several conversations and some time to think it over before he agreed. The jury is still out for him, but I can tell he at least is increasing his understanding about me. I just stressed to him how I felt unable to help him deal with my depression, and I wanted him to have somewhere to go for support.
Sigh, it's so complicated, isn't it? All we can do is keep doing the work, keep taking care of ourselves, and keep breathing.
((((B2chica))))
Keep breathing, dear. And post as much as you need to.
gg
Posted by Poet on July 23, 2005, at 2:26:24
In reply to tough but long and good session yesterday., posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 10:01:33
(((((((((((B2chica))))))))))
My T says that my husband might really want to be supportive and help me, but isn't sure he knows how. Maybe your husband is like that, too.
I've heard *you're just talking about killing yourself to make me feel guilty* I don't know how many times. My husband is very wrong about why I say it- why I think about it.
Talk to your T. Post to us. We get it, I wish all our SO's did.
You are really making progress in coming to terms with what happened to you. Writing it is expressing it. I can write it much easier than talk about it, too. It's a way to let some of the pain out in a positive way.
Poet
Posted by antigua on July 23, 2005, at 12:56:46
In reply to tough but long and good session yesterday., posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 10:01:33
I'm really proud of you for letting those words out and I'm sorry your husband has trouble with all this. Mine does too. He can't handle what happened to me as a child and when I do share, there is only so much he can handle, which is fine, I can respect that. We've found a balance, but it does make it very lonely.
oh, and BTW, I have three great kids, despite all my troubles.
best,
antigua
Posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 17:23:02
In reply to tough but long and good session yesterday., posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 10:01:33
hi B2,
I'm sorry you're hurting. I feel completely unequal to the situation and don't know how to help or comfort you at all. BUT, I'm thinking of you and hoping that things get better since you seem to be making progress about admitting things to yourself. I hope things with your hubby improve! take care of yourself!JenStar
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