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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on April 17, 2005, at 21:41:04
Lately I've noticed that I seem to be getting more attached to my T judging from some stuff I think/do/say. I journalled about it on Saturday but have a real aversion to actually giving it to him like I normally would. Guess 'cause it makes me feel so vulnerable. Scares the socks off me.
Then on Sunday night I had dinner with my mum and some of my aunties. I've pretty much cut myself off from my family for the time being, so this was really unusual. Anyway, my mum was really warm and welcoming and even touched my elbow as I walked in. Normally she is nothing like that, usually more reserved, distant, doesn't touch, etc.
Then on the way home I started thinking how I hate the way my T tries to make out my mum was abusive and how he tries to turn me against her. And then I started thinking how I'm probably not that screwed up anyway. It's all just exagerated because I'm so internally focused. That I'd start doing better without therapy.
But the awful thing is that I can kind of see that by getting closer to my T and feeling more vulnerable makes me want to run away. And because my mum was so nice, it's like I want to run back to her so I can get away from my T. And the stuff about not needing therapy is just my mind trying to convince me to do a runner. Which of course means I have to stay :(
So anyway, on Sunday night I wrote out a heap of stuff about how nice my mum was and how much I want to leave my T. And I can give my T that okay. But for it to all really make sense to him, I should be giving him the earlier stuff about how much more attached I was getting to him. But there's no way on earth I want to do that.
Which I know means I should, but *sigh*. It all makes me want to just give him nothing, but that always kind of rings alarm bells for him and makes him start asking to see my journal. It's bad enough giving him photocopies of the stuff I write. I hate having him actually peeking around in the journal itself.
I don't like feeling vulnerable. Don't even know why I feel like that. I *know* he won't treat me badly. I *know* that the feeling is all just based on crap from my childhood. I just hate it how *knowing* that doesn't make any difference at all. It still feels bad anyway.
Posted by Tamar on April 18, 2005, at 4:25:21
In reply to Feeling vulnerable, posted by littleone on April 17, 2005, at 21:41:04
It sounds quite complicated, and so I suspect you're right when you say you need to discuss it with your T instead of doing a runner.
Can you give him an edited version of your journalling about your feelings of attachment? Perhaps just enough that he can figure out the whole picture by reading between the lines?
It sounds as if you feel caught between your mother and your T. Why do you feel he is trying to turn you against her? That definitely sounds like something you should mention to him. Do you feel guilty about discussing your feelings about your mother with your T? Especially when she is sometimes nice to you? Maybe you want to run away from those feelings, rather than from your T (who should be simply the person with whom you discuss difficult feelings)?
I hope things get easier for you soon.
Tamar
Posted by littleone on April 19, 2005, at 21:39:40
In reply to Re: Feeling vulnerable » littleone, posted by Tamar on April 18, 2005, at 4:25:21
Thanks Tamar. I ended up giving him nothing written out, but he realised there was something there and really badgered me for it. I ended up crumbling and giving him my post instead of the stuff I journalled.
> It sounds as if you feel caught between your mother and your T. Why do you feel he is trying to turn you against her? That definitely sounds like something you should mention to him. Do you feel guilty about discussing your feelings about your mother with your T? Especially when she is sometimes nice to you? Maybe you want to run away from those feelings, rather than from your T (who should be simply the person with whom you discuss difficult feelings)?
These are some really interesting questions you've raised and will give me a lot to think about. Thank you for getting my cogs turning.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 19, 2005, at 21:53:24
In reply to Re: Feeling vulnerable » Tamar, posted by littleone on April 19, 2005, at 21:39:40
(((littleone)))
I would say that your urge to run...
Means that you have important stuff that you need to share.
I felt a bit like 'what the hell is wrong with me - nothing even happened to me - loads of people had it much worse than me' and I shared that with one t.
She said 'but you had nobody to talk to'.
And I just cried.
Maybe you are feeling better about your mum
Cause of the work you have been doing with your t.
The more your t 'blames' your mum the more sympathy you have for her.
Kind of push one extreme to dig out the other.
But they both need to be synthesised together and that will take more work.
Maybe you are feeling more trust for your mum 'cause of the trust you have with your t.
I don't know...
But I reckon the urge to run means that it is really important that you don't.
Sigh.
Why is life like that so often?????
Posted by littleone on April 19, 2005, at 22:03:55
In reply to Re: Feeling vulnerable » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on April 19, 2005, at 21:53:24
My T wrote this for me in my last session ('cause I faze out and forget most of the session):
"When I feel like doing a runner, this is an expected feeling of wanting to avoid feelings and issues I'm not comfortable with. But I don't have to give into these feelings. I can face up to them. Not run. And find out the beliefs that drive them are wrong."
I love it when he writes stuff out for me :)
> I felt a bit like 'what the hell is wrong with me - nothing even happened to me - loads of people had it much worse than me' and I shared that with one t.
> She said 'but you had nobody to talk to'.
> And I just cried.I'm not sure what your childhood was like alex, but even if you were never beaten, molested, etc, emotional neglect/abuse is still very damaging. In fact it is the emotional abuse aspect of all the other types of abuse that is the most damaging.
> But I reckon the urge to run means that it is really important that you don't.
> Sigh.
> Why is life like that so often?????A friend of mine once said that it is the paradox's in life that make it so interesting.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 19, 2005, at 22:15:41
In reply to Re: Feeling vulnerable » alexandra_k, posted by littleone on April 19, 2005, at 22:03:55
> My T wrote this for me in my last session ('cause I faze out and forget most of the session):
> "When I feel like doing a runner, this is an expected feeling of wanting to avoid feelings and issues I'm not comfortable with. But I don't have to give into these feelings. I can face up to them. Not run. And find out the beliefs that drive them are wrong."> I love it when he writes stuff out for me :)
Yes. That is terrific. I like written stuff too. I have difficulty remembering stuff from sessions too. Hard stuff has a hard time sinking in. But that is good stuff. Do ya reckon??
> > I felt a bit like 'what the hell is wrong with me - nothing even happened to me - loads of people had it much worse than me' and I shared that with one t.
> > She said 'but you had nobody to talk to'.
> > And I just cried.
> I'm not sure what your childhood was like alex, but even if you were never beaten, molested, etc, emotional neglect/abuse is still very damaging. In fact it is the emotional abuse aspect of all the other types of abuse that is the most damaging.Does that apply to you too??
> > But I reckon the urge to run means that it is really important that you don't.
> > Sigh.
> > Why is life like that so often?????
> A friend of mine once said that it is the paradox's in life that make it so interesting.Yeah.
Paradox
Suprise
The unexpected.
I am an active information processor
etc etc.
Yeah.
There is a lot of truth in that.So you aren't going to run away, eh?
(((littleone)))
Take care of yourself when you are feeling vulnerable.
But it is a good sign.
Don't know if this will make much sense but it is when you feel vulnerable that the boulders can move on the inside.
Posted by littleone on April 19, 2005, at 22:17:01
In reply to Re: Feeling vulnerable » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on April 19, 2005, at 21:53:24
Sometimes I get antsy and can't post something that I might want to. I'm glad you're okay alex. I'm sorry I couldn't say that before.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 19, 2005, at 22:25:24
In reply to PS » alexandra_k, posted by littleone on April 19, 2005, at 22:17:01
Aw hon. Thats ok. I'm sorry to have frightened everyone so.
I'm glad you are around too.
You take care.
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