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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on February 13, 2005, at 16:43:06
Second issue:
-Geez!. i wish i could see that other T sooner. i have to wait till March. ok...i know only a month away. it seems like forever. i have so much to tell him.
At least now i know i can only discuss certain things with this one now...like depression, work, and my marriage. none of the real things going on inside.
***********************
can i list them here before i explode? ok folks. here's a side i haven't let out, but i just can't wait for a T anymore. i'm sorry you'll see the freak side of me...well, here goes.-i can't stand eating cuz it seems very unnatural-it feel wrong to me. but i know that i am supposed to cuz everyone does this, people eat.
-i'm totally obsessing on death, what if i do it..how it will just DEEPLY HURT my family/friends, then i obsess on their pain. i go over and over it in my head until my heart aches so much that i start to spiral down for real.
-i have NO inspiration to paint and i feel drawn and useless.
-Really scary movies don't scare me-infact they bore me, i space off. but sometimes i 'freak out' for no reason at all-literally?
-i hate how little i know, and my limitations of knowing and understanding.
-i feel that my disturbance in emotions is due to the fact that i've come to the true realization of the limitation this body has given me.
-i find everything in life routine, simplistic, surface.
-in a strong state i can truly feel time, not 'time pass' but feel as though time has warped and it becomes a tangible thing almost as though you can sit upon it.
-i can babble to myself in jargon for hours at a time, now i'm starting to hear others use it.. like i overheard my husband and his mom on the phone and i SWEAR i heard him use it, and .like on tv...i know i'm imagining it cuz i know these programs are in english besides...the jargon i have is made up and uses models of intonation unlike english, and sounds like in other languages (non-english) so i KNOW i can't really be hearing it. it's not like i'm hearing voices...they just aren't speaking the same language as i am....(can i laugh here?)
-oh yeah so that last one kinda is this... did i mention i'm making my own language. ya, when i get in these 'states' i'm so intense that i HAVE to speak, i need to speak but english won't work so i just start rattling jargon...but last couple times i recognized that i say certain sounds in somewhat systematic way so i started to write them down. it's kinda neat cuz i'm not restricted. one of my words may be a phrase in english....someething you can't quite describe. i've decided its my verbal language of emotion.
i use a wierd script to spell the words but here are a few 'meanings'. if you're interested.
-ready to be hurt
-from the past
-emotions moving from the inside out (quickly, uncontrollably)
-outside stimuli attacking emotions insidei guess i really am a 'babbler' (hehe). oops, don't want to tread on any 'copyrite' issues Dr.Bob.
maybe i'll stick to the word jargon to be on the safe side??ok.
those are the 'bothersome' issues i'm having right now. i can say them here, well cuz you guy are great and i don't expect judgment or you 'trying to figure me out' you just accept me. My current T , i'm sure she's good but i don't think she'd even know how to respond to any of those other than...so why do you think you feel that way...makes me want to say "cr@p, don't you get that it doens't Matter why!" it just 'is'. let it be and help me to learn to live with it, to learn to break out of the cycle. part of me knows the only way to solve this is to no longer see the expansion of possibilities, but i think that would be the death of me. it would be like taking a pill to dull my thoughts, to forget depth in life.
My current (temp) T can't do this. but i know other T can...march, march, march i tell you. i'm being patient (no pun intended).
March 8th.
ok...done, i think. man i feel like i could write forever, must stop, can't stop, will stop. what's a word for expression that is airborne and not verbal?
tell me answers and i'll give you questions!
b2c. (i think the c's beginning to stand for confusion)confusing as h@ll but clear as a bell, make sense? it does. i don't know how but it does.
Posted by daisym on February 13, 2005, at 22:49:02
In reply to issues, thoughts, circle...cycle...worse, posted by B2chica on February 13, 2005, at 16:43:06
I'm really worried about you. This sounds serious, either a medication issue or perhaps you might need a medication to balance things out.
Hearing voices and using jargon are all signs that you are overwhelmed. The other things you wrote must be very scary for you. Do you have a pdoc? This feels really important for you to share with one.
Hang in there. March is coming fast.
Posted by B2chica on February 14, 2005, at 10:56:26
In reply to Re: issues, thoughts, circle...cycle...worse » B2chica, posted by daisym on February 13, 2005, at 22:49:02
thank you daisym.
thank you.
i'm reading this very tired in feeling. only got a few hours of sleep last night. it's wierd cuz the words i wrote...well, it's weird to read it today. last night everything around me was so crystal clear-so fluid-so...blended. -i printed what i wrote off and was going to keep it to give my T (the one i'll see in march). and i think i still will, but i don't know that i'll show my pdoc. i'm scared he'll think...that, welll that there's nothing medically wrong with me, that i'm just hysterical or something.today i'm very discomforted about my writings on this board yesterday.i'm only on ritalin-morning, and xanax and ambien at night.(ambien helps me sleep sound but not get to sleep).
the thing is, this franatic stuff it comes and goes. from my experience hypomania stays fairly constant and not as confusing and sticks around a while. but lately what i've got going on-it's different, so i'm probably just somehow bringing this on myself??
i trust my pdoc and think he's wonderful, but i guess...i don't know.
thank you for caring.
b2c.
> I'm really worried about you. This sounds serious, either a medication issue or perhaps you might need a medication to balance things out.
>
> Hearing voices and using jargon are all signs that you are overwhelmed. The other things you wrote must be very scary for you. Do you have a pdoc? This feels really important for you to share with one.
>
> Hang in there. March is coming fast.
>
Posted by daisym on February 14, 2005, at 15:50:49
In reply to Re: issues, thoughts, circle...cycle...worse » daisym, posted by B2chica on February 14, 2005, at 10:56:26
If you trust him, then you should share this with him. We all feel a little silly about how bad we felt "momentarily" but it is in these moments that the bad stuff happens. Please reconsider talking to him. What is the worse that could happen?
The further away from an "episode" you get, the easier it is to minimize and rationalize.
I'm still worried about you.
Hugs from me.
Posted by B2chica on February 15, 2005, at 11:12:39
In reply to Re: issues, thoughts, circle...cycle...worse » B2chica, posted by daisym on February 14, 2005, at 15:50:49
Posted by gardenergirl on February 15, 2005, at 23:46:07
In reply to issues, thoughts, circle...cycle...worse, posted by B2chica on February 13, 2005, at 16:43:06
Hi sweetie,
I wish I knew what to say. I read your post at a time when I was feeling fairly overwhelmed with work and school stuff. I just felt like I had nothing to offer. But your post to daisy at the bottom made me realize that I could at least let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing I could help make things better.((((b2c)))
gg
Posted by B2chica on February 16, 2005, at 10:19:58
In reply to Re: issues, thoughts, circle...cycle...worse » B2chica, posted by gardenergirl on February 15, 2005, at 23:46:07
thanks gg.
i'm feeling better today. i just know that after those times are done i'm mentally exhausted and it seems a little surreal that my thoughts could even go there.
i guess that's why i keep coming back to babble, cuz sometimes i just get so sick of people trying to "figure me out" or "fix this" (especially when they're WAY off base) and sometimes i just need someone to say that it's ok...it's ok, cuz that's just how things are.
and sometimes i Really like hearing that 'you' may not have the answer but 'your' here.
those little words let me know that it's ok that i don't know or can't stop it cuz others don't but either way someone is there and cares no matter what i'm acting/feeling like.i guess there are just so many advantages AND disadvantages to being so aware of what's going on inside.
thanks all.
b2c.
> Hi sweetie,
> I wish I knew what to say. I read your post at a time when I was feeling fairly overwhelmed with work and school stuff. I just felt like I had nothing to offer. But your post to daisy at the bottom made me realize that I could at least let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing I could help make things better.
>
> ((((b2c)))
>
> gg
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