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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 20:27:28
I've had so many bouts of crying today and I'm not quite sure I understand why. Got a brief email from old T. today, I replied, and he didn't reply to that. So I suppose that's what set me off. Makes no sense, today's exchange was no different than any other, on the surface. The minute I think I've wiped the last tear (at least for a few hours..for goodness sake!) something sets me off again a few minutes later, thinking about how I can't stand the thought of losing touch with him. (I'll use T1 for him)
I owe many of you an update (crushed and aphrodite come to mind - please forgive me if I never answered you directly a couple weeks back)on my slow, complete-the-termination-by-email situation with T1. I'll try to post that later tonight. Right now, guess I just want to vent and complain that I am so sick of all these tears!!!
I mean, the man left 6 months ago, and I weep like it was yesterday. It's been suggested this is a long grieving process - a little about T1 but mostly about unresolved painful losses in my past. Probably so. I have a new T. (T2) and if we ever attach enough (should I want that or be terrified of it?!)I think that grieving, and whatever this well of sadness is about will be *the* one and only topic. I can feel it bubbling to the surface all the time.
But, you see, when it does, I ache for T1. This work was supposed to be done with him. We built up such an awesome rapport - for what? So he could leave? No offense to T2, he's nice. But he means nothing to me. And I'm so scared T1 is beginning to resent me, though there is zero evidence of that. I sob when I imagine what he *really* thinks of me but would never, ever say.
I wonder how our bodies can produce so many gallons of tears. The skin on my face is all dried out from the salt and tissues. I feel silly and confused. Like I have nothing to cry about. People have had multiple deaths, with more stuff on top of that. I've had the most compassionate termination experience I can imagine. So - what is all this agony?! I read all your threads and think I should get a grip. But that advice never works.
Sorry this is making little sense. I feel loss #2 (first=physical leaving; 2nd=loss of email contact) of T1 is at hand, I think. He's gently backing off as he must and I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT! I have not missed him this badly for months. These tears are the kind that make you feel physically ill.
Thanks for listening to such a &*^*^& thread. Tonight I felt like if Babble wasn't here I would have totally lost it. Little bit calmer now.
- 10derheart (feeling quite brokenhearted :( )
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 28, 2004, at 20:55:21
In reply to Tears Seem Endless, posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 20:27:28
I am so sorry for how lost and sad you feel brokenhearted is correct...you are grieving...and it may take a long time. I have lost a lot of family members they passed on and if I were to lose my T I know, I would feel no different....I have no wise words for you just know someone out here hurts with and for you....and will say a few prayers so your load is lightened
HUGS
Posted by Dinah on December 28, 2004, at 21:05:35
In reply to Tears Seem Endless, posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 20:27:28
I don't think I could take the loss of my therapist. It's such a scary thought that I often have to skip therapist leaving threads.
I don't think your grief is one bit excessive. I think you're handling it much better than I plan to.
Posted by crushedout on December 29, 2004, at 11:42:35
In reply to Re: Tears Seem Endless » 10derheart, posted by Dinah on December 28, 2004, at 21:05:35
((((10derheart))))
I can relate to your pain, although I haven't been crying much. I've just being feeling horribly depressed.
I think Dinah's right. Your pain seems normal. Keep posting. Babblemail me if you want to.
Posted by crushedout on December 29, 2004, at 11:45:06
In reply to Re: Tears Seem Endless » Dinah, posted by crushedout on December 29, 2004, at 11:42:35
Posted by messadivoce on December 29, 2004, at 13:15:37
In reply to Tears Seem Endless, posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 20:27:28
I'm sorry, dear 10dearheart. You have suffered a loss and there is no rule about when you have to stop greiving it. I hope you can discuss your pain with your new T and that together you can find a little more peace. It is such a bumpy road with setbacks, isn't it? How frustrating. I hope you will be kind to yourself in the new year.
Posted by Aphrodite on December 29, 2004, at 13:23:22
In reply to Tears Seem Endless, posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 20:27:28
I wish I had some words of comfort. I would be exactly like you (probably much worse) if it were to happen to me. It must feel like losing a beloved family member. I am so, so sorry.
I am heartened, however, to know that you are continuting to persevere with T2 despite your lack of connection. You may not wish to connect to T2 because it may feel like a betrayal of T1 or that attachment to T2 means you are moving on. I hope T2 hangs in there with you, giving you much-needed support until *you* are ready to attach again, which must be a very scary thought indeed.
I hope you find some comfort in the fact that your ability to attach at all is a very healthy sign. It is also very healthy that you recognize the need for T2 in processing your grief. You sound like you have an enormous capacity for love and caring and devotion -- sometimes those big hearts like yours get broken the most.
Please take care, and keep posting.
Posted by pinkeye on December 29, 2004, at 13:54:43
In reply to Tears Seem Endless, posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 20:27:28
I know it feels absolutely miserable. I had similar situation with my ex T. I had email contact with him for 2 years - he had been very supportive and gentle, yet it feels awful not being able to relate to him more closely. And it hurts so much to not receive a reply.
Posted by 10derheart on December 29, 2004, at 23:58:43
In reply to Tears Seem Endless, posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 20:27:28
Thanks, all, you guys are always so totally understanding of all of this stuff. Your posts make me feel stronger.
I feel much better today, but I fear it's the calm before a major storm. I just don't know. I saw T2 this morning, and though part of me hates to even admit it, the session was...well,..great. I mean, for him being T2, not T1. I do feel like I'm betraying T1 in a way, but the feeling is weakening. We talked the whole time about T1 (my idea) because I am going to try to close down the constant emailing. To take the initiative before T1 feels he must bring it up directly. So far he hasn't, and heaven knows I can't bring myself to ask him why. T2 really showed he respected both of us and our prior therapy relationship. He made me cry several times describing the depth of intimacy than can exist, because he recognized it from my words and boy did he have it dead-on. He thinks T1 has maintained boundries well and supported me under tough circumstances. Can't find a dam@ bit wrong with anything T2 did or said today. I'm starting to like him. yikes.
I know I have to do this, as counter-intuitive as it seems to reduce contact with someone who means everything to me. So I sent T1 a email today, explaining what T2 and I talked about and telling him I want to sort of work on a long last? final? concluding? (told him none of these words are right)email to him over the weekend. He'll probably answer tomorrow. He'll probably inadvertently say something sweet and easy-going and make it seem like I don't really have to force myself to drastically cut the emails off too fast...blah, blah, blah.
Sometimes I think there's a touch of counter-transference going on as he shows some signs of hanging on, too. Because he does genuinely like me? Maybe. We fit well together philisophically, spiritually and intellectually. Maybe I'm a welcome break in his busy days or something. In his new job, he has been forced into a lot of straight meds management (20 min sessions) and I'm unclear how much meaningful therapy he's able to do. That's sad and may be frustrating him. Something I'd love to ask about, maybe after some time passes and I see if limited future contact (I'm going to ask for that and T2 says he can't imagine in a million years T1 will object)is workable, too painful or what.
If I sound incredibly flat, dispassionate or rational about this, I am. Feels like a huge defense, but maybe a necessary one. I don't dare try to figure out much more than hour by hour right now. This is uncharted territory and I don't even have a map. T2 surely is offering to be a new guide. We'll see. I'm just exhausted.
Posted by pinkeye on December 30, 2004, at 13:47:49
In reply to Much Better Today but...(long), posted by 10derheart on December 29, 2004, at 23:58:43
Hi 10derHeart,
You are not alone. I am in the same boat as you are. Same circumstances - moved away from old T1 and going to new T2 - maintained email contact for a long time with T1 - and just now realized I am not going anywhere by keeping constant email contact with him (t1). So wrote to him saying that I want to cut back on all the email contact with him and keep only minimal contact.T1 was really great. But I like T2 also. T2 is a she. I chose this way deliberately since I had major attachment with T1 so thought having T2 as a woman would be better.
Anyway you look at it, it is a huge loss at the end - to lose a T. There is no easier way you can end a relationship like this without pain and suffering. Just have to accept it fully. That is the key.
Posted by daisym on December 30, 2004, at 23:40:06
In reply to Much Better Today but...(long), posted by 10derheart on December 29, 2004, at 23:58:43
10der, it seems that you are moving in the right direction. I feel so deeply for you and I think you are handling all of this with such grace. I can't imagine (don't want to)losing my therapist. I'm glad you feel T2 is being helpful.
I think you will have good and bad days as you grieve this loss. Don't beat yourself up for the weepy ones. It is such a tender grief...for everyone involved. I appreciate you sharing your journey with us. I always read, sometimes I can't get past my own tears for you to answer.
Hugs and a hanky if you need it still,
Daisy
Posted by 10derheart on December 31, 2004, at 10:37:07
In reply to Re: Much Better Today but...(long) » 10derheart, posted by daisym on December 30, 2004, at 23:40:06
You're so sweet, Daisy. I don't mean to make anyone cry, but it happens to me in reverse all the time. It's one of the many treasures of Babble, I suppose, to evoke that in each other and know we do have genuine empathy.It's funny, through all the highs and lows and confusion, I know I am moving in the right direction. T1 clearly believes it, T2 has mentioned the same thing ("something huge is about to happen for you"), and me, well, I just know. The depth of the struggle along the path is one of the major signs, but sometimes, you wish the path would just be flat and downhill once in a while!
To have someone here, particularly you, say I am acting with grace, leaves me almost speechless (never an easy task). That term is special to me and I try to use it very sparingly. I think many of our Ts have that quality (yours for sure), but I don't know about me. Thank you for saying so.
I'll be okay if I keep posting and stay *in the process* with both T1 and T2. But oh do I want to run and hide sometimes. But that's never been my style. T1 recently called me a true challenge ("...but I mean that in the most respectful way possible.") and the only person who's had the desire to go down this uncharted path. Figures. I can't ever seem to stay on the safe, easy well-traveled highways.
I will certainly accept your hanky. If I'm not crying now I will be later. Thanks again, you do so much for so many here. Take care, - 10der
Posted by Aphrodite on January 1, 2005, at 11:08:03
In reply to Much Better Today but...(long), posted by 10derheart on December 29, 2004, at 23:58:43
Sounds like great but scary progress. You seem to have a lot of inner strength, but you may not feel like that right now. I think it's incredible strong to work as you do through your grief. I am happy to hear T2 is meeting your needs.
Hope 2005 is a great year of recovery, growth, and happiness for you!
Posted by 10derheart on January 1, 2005, at 15:49:56
In reply to Re: Much Better Today but...(long) » 10derheart, posted by Aphrodite on January 1, 2005, at 11:08:03
This is the end of the thread.
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