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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JenStar on July 28, 2004, at 20:03:36
hi everyone,
I've read many insightful posts from the people here on Babble, and I was hoping to get some insight into an issue I've been having.If this is more appropriate to the social board, I don't mind being redirected there.
A couple that I know recently broke up. Although we were friends first with the guy (I'll call him Sam), it was his girlfriend (I'll call her "Betty") who worked hard to stay in touch.
Although we hadn't been the greatest of friends before the breakup, Betty started calling me very frequently, crying, sobbing, asking for commiseration and corroberation that her ex was a jerk and a loser and out of his mind. She spent hours talking about him, analyzing minutia of the breakup, talking about what a mistake he'd made, etc.
I tried to be supportive. We had her over for dinner, did a day-trip with her & her kids, and I cooked her meals when she was sick.
She's started getting very clingy. Despite being tight up for money, she gives me frequent gifts that seem too nice (jewelry, for example.) She said I could "think of her" every time I wore it. I was uncomfortable, thanked her, and have never worn it, even though it is pretty.
The worst part is that I think she 'regifted it' and is passing it off as a bought gift. Not that I mind that at all...I often trade things around with my girlfriends. But we do it openly (This doesn't fit...do you want it? This just isn't me...can you use it?) Either way makes me feel weird. Either she got me an expensive gift when she says she can't afford rent, or she gave me a 'regift' and is passing it off as something she bought instead of groceries. I don't know which makes me feel more uncomfortable. And I don't want to "think of her" every time I wear it!
She's kind of needy for attention and validation, and dresses rather provocatively and flirts with all the guys around, married or not. I invited her to a happy hour with friends who didn't know her. She showed up and started flirting heavily with some of the men in the group. Later I overheard one girl maliciously whisper to a friend, "what a slut!" and someone else honestly asked if Betty was this guy's wife (she wasn't - she was just being VERY flirty!)
This is just not "my way" of hanging out -- I like talking about books, literature, politics, etc. She likes talking about pop culture, who's sleeping with whom, and making coarse jokes. I don't feel that we have a lot in common, at least on the surface, but it's hard to tell what she's REALLY thinking. She always acts like all is perfect and that she has an answer for everything.
What frustrates me is that we're not really FRIENDS. I'm sort of a sounding board for all her complaints, and an echo of what she wants to hear. ("Yes, Sam IS a Jerk. He DID make a mistake. It WAS all his fault.") I truly feel that she made lots of mistakes too, and that she is still making some, and that I'd like to point out some faults and flaws and stuff that just p*** me off -- but I don't know how.
If we're ever to be 'real' friends we have to -- or I have to -- get into the realm of saying what I really think and what I really feel. I don't want to hurt her or be malicious, but I want to be honest. Otherwise she might as well hang out with a parrot. But I've been the sympathetic "yes, yes" friend now and I don't know how to switch over.
Is it possible to break off a friendship if I don't really like the person? Is that mean? Or is it possible to salvage this and turn her into a 'real' friend?
Any suggestions?
thanks in advance!JenSTar
Posted by JenStar on July 28, 2004, at 20:11:33
In reply to would like advice from all - honesty with friends, posted by JenStar on July 28, 2004, at 20:03:36
Another note on this topic - I feel like a b**** and like a phony when I hang out with her, because I feel a lot of irritation at myself for not being authentic. But when I try to start a 'deeper' conversation, she immediately switches the topic over to something frivolous or starts bragging about something.
I also think she tries to flirt with my husband "Bob" -- she's often told me, "I think Bob is just the perfect guy. You got so lucky. He's just so wonderful and awesome." (Bob has said he doesn't find her attractive at all, though...)
I'm confused by her. She's been deceptive and I don't feel like I can trust her. But she needs a friend and she REALLY seems to want me to be one for her.
JenSTar
hi everyone,
> I've read many insightful posts from the people here on Babble, and I was hoping to get some insight into an issue I've been having.
>
> If this is more appropriate to the social board, I don't mind being redirected there.
>
> A couple that I know recently broke up. Although we were friends first with the guy (I'll call him Sam), it was his girlfriend (I'll call her "Betty") who worked hard to stay in touch.
>
> Although we hadn't been the greatest of friends before the breakup, Betty started calling me very frequently, crying, sobbing, asking for commiseration and corroberation that her ex was a jerk and a loser and out of his mind. She spent hours talking about him, analyzing minutia of the breakup, talking about what a mistake he'd made, etc.
>
> I tried to be supportive. We had her over for dinner, did a day-trip with her & her kids, and I cooked her meals when she was sick.
>
> She's started getting very clingy. Despite being tight up for money, she gives me frequent gifts that seem too nice (jewelry, for example.) She said I could "think of her" every time I wore it. I was uncomfortable, thanked her, and have never worn it, even though it is pretty.
>
> The worst part is that I think she 'regifted it' and is passing it off as a bought gift. Not that I mind that at all...I often trade things around with my girlfriends. But we do it openly (This doesn't fit...do you want it? This just isn't me...can you use it?) Either way makes me feel weird. Either she got me an expensive gift when she says she can't afford rent, or she gave me a 'regift' and is passing it off as something she bought instead of groceries. I don't know which makes me feel more uncomfortable. And I don't want to "think of her" every time I wear it!
>
> She's kind of needy for attention and validation, and dresses rather provocatively and flirts with all the guys around, married or not. I invited her to a happy hour with friends who didn't know her. She showed up and started flirting heavily with some of the men in the group. Later I overheard one girl maliciously whisper to a friend, "what a slut!" and someone else honestly asked if Betty was this guy's wife (she wasn't - she was just being VERY flirty!)
>
> This is just not "my way" of hanging out -- I like talking about books, literature, politics, etc. She likes talking about pop culture, who's sleeping with whom, and making coarse jokes. I don't feel that we have a lot in common, at least on the surface, but it's hard to tell what she's REALLY thinking. She always acts like all is perfect and that she has an answer for everything.
>
> What frustrates me is that we're not really FRIENDS. I'm sort of a sounding board for all her complaints, and an echo of what she wants to hear. ("Yes, Sam IS a Jerk. He DID make a mistake. It WAS all his fault.") I truly feel that she made lots of mistakes too, and that she is still making some, and that I'd like to point out some faults and flaws and stuff that just p*** me off -- but I don't know how.
>
> If we're ever to be 'real' friends we have to -- or I have to -- get into the realm of saying what I really think and what I really feel. I don't want to hurt her or be malicious, but I want to be honest. Otherwise she might as well hang out with a parrot. But I've been the sympathetic "yes, yes" friend now and I don't know how to switch over.
>
> Is it possible to break off a friendship if I don't really like the person? Is that mean? Or is it possible to salvage this and turn her into a 'real' friend?
>
> Any suggestions?
> thanks in advance!
>
> JenSTar
>
>
>
Posted by coral on July 28, 2004, at 20:32:01
In reply to Re: would like advice from all - honesty with friends, posted by JenStar on July 28, 2004, at 20:11:33
Tell me one reason why you do spend time with her?
...Just a thought
Coral
Posted by pinkeye on July 28, 2004, at 20:42:18
In reply to Re: would like advice from all - honesty with friends, posted by JenStar on July 28, 2004, at 20:11:33
Well, your time is precious, don't waste it with someone who is manipulative, obsessive, makes you feel bored, bad what not?
Politely try to shun her off. If that does not work, then being more straight would work.
Don't feel guilty of it. Think of it this way, she could use help somewhere else where somebody else genuiniely likes her and you could spend your time with someone else.
Posted by Ilene on July 28, 2004, at 20:49:45
In reply to would like advice from all - honesty with friends, posted by JenStar on July 28, 2004, at 20:03:36
You are being used. This woman has legitimate needs, but you are not a person who can truly aid her. I think bibliotherapy might help here. I have a book called "Coping With Difficult People", but it doesn't address your particular difficult person. Perhaps you can spend an hour or so in a library or bookstore.
Posted by Susan47 on July 28, 2004, at 20:50:41
In reply to Re: would like advice from all - honesty with friends, posted by pinkeye on July 28, 2004, at 20:42:18
JenStar,
It's possible to break off a friendship and still feel good about yourself.
This woman, this *friend*, needs a therapist very badly, and she's been trying to get therapy from *you*: she's even paid for it with little gifts (that you don't want! Don't accept them! Say "No, absolutely not. I can't take that. I don't want it." The world will not end). And tell her she needs professional help. Don't bother to try and couch anything. She's most likely the kind of person who wouldn't take it the right way, no matter how much you really cared. And you do care; that is obvious from your post. Don't be a sitting duck anymore. She should be paying someone who's trained to help her. She does have problems. You're not one of them.
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 28, 2004, at 21:09:56
In reply to would like advice from all - honesty with friends, posted by JenStar on July 28, 2004, at 20:03:36
> If this is more appropriate to the social board, I don't mind being redirected there.
Thanks for being open to that. Here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040725/msgs/371845.html
Bob
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