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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on June 4, 2004, at 19:22:33
LGO4 asked me to explain why I thought therapy made you lonely and what the discussion with my Therapist has been around this issue. So I've been thinking about it some more. It is probably very individualistic, like most things, and is probably divided between being lonely for your Therapist and being lonely, period. I suspect that being lonely is also one of the things that brings people into therapy too.
So, I can only speak to my experience. I interact with lots of people each day. I'm married and I have kids. And I'm pretty active in the community, both politically and as a volunteer. But when I was hit hard by depression last year, and entered therapy, I realized how much of my internal life I don't share with anyone. Nobody knew what I had been going through and the more I shared in therapy and the more I've gotten in touch with what is missing, the more I realize that I'm lonely. Not that I'm ever actually alone.
When I've talked about this with my Therapist, he says, "I can see how the work we are doing could contribute to those feelings. In here, you force yourself to open up. We've developed this intimate relationship where your authentic self is being heard and accepted. But then you leave, and look around your life, and you don't seem to have that with anyone else. And it's not like your hurt is only around a few hours a week. You want to be able to talk to someone else about this stuff, to be soothed and cared for, but you don't risk it. At least not yet." He said it was a pretty common feeling to surface when people are in intense therapy, because you are working on such personal issues, you don't tend to share much and never casually. But since it is on your mind a lot, and the feelings are so strong, you feel disconnected sometimes from other people, or from more mundane conversations. He said he has heard lots of clients wonder why other people can't see their pain or notice what they are going through.
And I think that is why therapy "makes" you lonely. You realize how good it feels to share honestly what you are feeling with another person, especially if your Therapist "gets you." Yet there are so few people that we can really do that with. Which is appropriate, really. But in my life, I have set things up to be the listener to most everyone, and I'm finding that really, really hard to change. I am very good at hiding how I feel, and pretending that everything is fine and that I can handle it all. But I'm aware now that I'm hiding myself and I want someone to invest the energy to seek the real me out.
Which is why Babble is so very important to me. I don't feel so alone with all of this when I post, read or babble in open. And I have started to risk a tiny bit more of my internal self in real life.
Maybe lonely is the wrong word. But I think it fits for me. I'd like to hear other experiences and what people have done about it.
Posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 20:15:45
In reply to Therapy and Loneliness, posted by DaisyM on June 4, 2004, at 19:22:33
Your post hits home. Not only do you realize that you can have hundreds of people around you, you are still alone. In my case, I am very cautious and untrusting. I've had friends for years I wouldn't dare let in on my secret pain; I have an image to uphold.
I sneak away from work to go to therapy. I didn't tell my husband for 3 months, and when I did, he didn't understand. If I had an illness, I could tell my coworkers, people would understand about the doctor, friends would offer to help with my child and my house until I was well again, but not so for this kind of pain.
So, I agree that the abject loneliness is one of the crummiest side effects of therapy, and I don't have an answer to it at all.
Posted by Poet on June 5, 2004, at 14:49:05
In reply to Therapy and Loneliness, posted by DaisyM on June 4, 2004, at 19:22:33
Daisy,
You've summed it up perfectly. I don't know if lonely is the right word, either, but it's an understandable word.
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on June 5, 2004, at 17:48:39
In reply to Re: Therapy and Loneliness, posted by Poet on June 5, 2004, at 14:49:05
I agree, but I tend to use the word isolated. And I am lucky that I have a friend who also sees the same T, so there's someone who knows so much what it's like. But the regular public, that's a crapshoot whether someone will be understanding of mental disorders let alone therapy.
I'm glad there's Babble, where I know I am among people who "get" it.
gg
Posted by TryingToBeMerry on June 6, 2004, at 10:22:12
In reply to Re: Therapy and Loneliness, posted by gardenergirl on June 5, 2004, at 17:48:39
I've been reading these posts for a while and was finally going to start a thread about this, to see if anyone else felt the same way. But I thought I better read more first, to see if the topic was already covered. Then I read this thread. Daisy, you described exactly what I was thinking, but you also gave a reason for it, which makes so much sense. I have a lot of friends. But there are times when I just feel so lonely and only want to be with my therapist. And what your T said makes so much sense. I just hadn't thought about it before. It is true that she is the only person I let myself feel nurtured by. And of course that is something I need more than the two hours a week I'm with her. And so it makes sense to be lonely without her.
But now the question is, how do you deal with it? Sometimes the feeling is so strong that I don't want to interact with anyone. I want to stay home and sleep until my next appointment.
Posted by LG04 on June 6, 2004, at 11:20:35
In reply to Re: Therapy and Loneliness, posted by TryingToBeMerry on June 6, 2004, at 10:22:12
Thanks for expanding on this subject Daisy. And to TryingToBeMerry, I have those same feelings sometimes, of just wanting to sleep until my next appointment with her. My T. and I once talked about undivided attention, and how hardly anyone in the world gets an hour of undivided attention from anyone. (except when you're in therapy). Much less once or twice a week.
I never thought about the idea though that therapy can actually make me feel lonely, because of that lack of intimacy in my regular life. (especially as I am single). It makes a lot of sense.
I also think therapy simply opens up a lot of wounds and leaves me feeling raw a lot, and that's a lonely feeling.
LG
Posted by DaisyM on June 6, 2004, at 23:01:13
In reply to Re: Therapy and Loneliness, posted by TryingToBeMerry on June 6, 2004, at 10:22:12
Welcome and I'm sorry I stole your thread! :)
I'm not sure that I have the answer for how to cure those feelings. I think it is going to take some major changes in my life to overcome this loneliness. In the meantime, my Therapist encourages lots of contact and lots of journaling. We've talked a number of times about "carrying him with me" so I can feel him when things get tough. I think it is similar to what kids are supposed to learn when they separate from their parents. It also is about trust and I think by finding out that I can consistantly trust him, I'll learn to trust others with my needs.
In the meantime I use lots of distraction techniques when times are hard. I watch movies, play with my kids and write, write, write. And for Mother's Day my kids made me a swing so I can sit out there and read or write on my lap top.
Posted by DaisyM on June 7, 2004, at 0:02:13
In reply to Therapy and Loneliness, posted by DaisyM on June 4, 2004, at 19:22:33
Another of life's little ironies...
I'm watching Funny Girl tonight and Barbra just sang People.
"We're children, needing other children,
but letting our grown up pride,
hide all the need inside,
acting more like children,
than,
children."Yes, Barb, we know. We know!
Posted by Dinah on June 7, 2004, at 10:18:48
In reply to Therapy and Loneliness, posted by DaisyM on June 4, 2004, at 19:22:33
I don't ever remember thinking of it as loneliness. I remember longing for my therapist between sessions. And that's getting better. I think I *may* be starting to internalize him.
Maybe it's like the first blush of love. At first, it's new and exciting to share your thoughts with someone, and such an enormous relief. But now (nine years later), I don't feel that much anymore. I even feel like I might be able to see him once a week instead of twice. The feeling of safety is going with me better (at least when I'm feeling well).
Posted by terrics on June 9, 2004, at 16:33:15
In reply to Therapy and Loneliness, posted by DaisyM on June 4, 2004, at 19:22:33
good thought. when I am in therapy I am always lonely. There were a few weeks when I did not see a therapist and found I did more things with my friends and family. terrics
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