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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 1980Monroe on April 14, 2004, at 17:00:02
I have had this problem soo long, thank god there's dr-bob message boards because my therpist doesnt help at all.
When im in a normal social situation, or any kind of socialization i don't say anything. I don't know why, but the only thing that i've realized is i can't relate to people well, if i do speak, i always back away. When there's a normal conversation taking place, i just sit there and listen, i rarely make any input. I totally went into an EXtreme depression because i realized how far withdrawn i am from society. Going to school is not plesant, becasue basically i have no one to meet there and be with.
I'm a junior in high school, when i'm at school i put on a confident looking front, which is basically a defense mechanism, from being intimidated. I look like a normal teenager, wear all the brands, but i'm soo withdrawn!
When i was a kid i was annoying! i just thought it was funny to annoy, obvious i didnt get tolerable social skills. Then after that phase went, i don't know how to normally socialize. I was isolated actually when i was a kid, because we lived in bad neiborhood. Then we moved to alot better enviorment, but i realized i didnt have friends.
Then recently i was desperate find something to fix me, i started using street drugs, cocaine and methamphetamine. Mainly because they seemed to make me more motivated and exited to say something, and it somewhat worked, but still i had no desire to hang out with people because i just cant relate to them, the only reason i did speak was because i was soo filled with euphoria.
I don't know if this is a confidence problem, or im just maladjusted to society, but i really would like advice! maybe if hypnotherpy would work?
Posted by Racer on April 14, 2004, at 18:00:27
In reply to Need advice on getting out of social isolation, posted by 1980Monroe on April 14, 2004, at 17:00:02
First of all, it sounds as if a new therapist might be in order. Not all therapists are created equal, so another therapist might have better skills in helping you with this. Secondly, you sound like me at that age. I'm sorry you're going through it, because i remember how rough it was, but I'm happy that you're working on it now, rather than later.
That said, what to do, what to do? Here are a few ideas, for whatever they're worth to you:
1. Find something that interests you. It might be sports, it might be knitting, it might be political work, it doesn't matter what it is, just as long as you have a real interest in it. It doesn't have to be "fashionable," because you don't have to talk to anyone about it -- outside the people you share it with, that is. That's right, the next step, once you've found whatever interests you, is to get involved with it. For me, the only thing that kept me going were horses: I'd spend every hour at the barn, where I could talk to people, because I didn't have to come up with conversation. I could talk to people, because I could either ask questions, "Why do you lift your hands that way when you come around the corner towards that fence?" Or I could tell someone something I saw, "Did you know that you drop your outside shoulder and kinda zigzag your back on your turns?" Or just compliment, "Wow! You looked great out there! No wonder the judge pinned you!" So, get involved with whatever interests you.
2. Check out volunteer opportunities around your area. Maybe visiting a nursing home, reading to the blind, coaching special olympics, socializing animals at the local humane society. Most volunteer organizations are always aching for people, and they treat their volunteers so well! Many times you'll just be too into whatever you're doing to worry about being withdrawn, and other times the other people involved will ask you questions, or make conversation with you.
3. Join your school's debate team. It may be a nerdy thing to do, but it does help.
Part of your problem, I'm guessing, is that you're not getting involved in things outside your school. High school is not like real life. Sure, the cheerleaders always seem to win no matter where they are, but in Real Life, people have a lot of interests beyond what you hear about in school. It wasn't until I got involved with people in college that I realized how much my view was slanted by the clicques in high school, and feeling unpopular and as if I didn't get it at all. It felt as if everyone else had a rule book that I'd never seen. Turns out, it had more to do with me just not being interested in the same things that most of my peers were interested in. Once I got to college, where I started meeting people who were interested in more of the same things I was interested in, a lot of it eased for me.
Another problem I had in high school, though, was that I never found out what intested me. The classes were too crowded, the teachers too harried, and I didn't get a lot of the kind of teaching I got in college. It really was in college that I learned things like, gee, biology was the most fascinating subject there has ever been. No way to learn that in my high school -- we were so overcrowded, there was no bio lab for most of us!
So, in conclusion, good for you for working on this now. Think about reaching out beyond school, where many of your peers are as insecure as you are if not more so; get involved in something that interests you, because you'll meet other people who share that interest; and good luck to you.
Posted by tinydancer on April 15, 2004, at 6:11:53
In reply to Re: Need advice on getting out of social isolation, posted by Racer on April 14, 2004, at 18:00:27
I don't think I can add to what Racer said, other than I find it unbelievably impressive that you have such a consciousness about your problem being a junior in HS. Keep us posted how it goes.
Posted by MrSandman on April 16, 2004, at 4:03:43
In reply to Re: Need advice on getting out of social isolation » Racer, posted by tinydancer on April 15, 2004, at 6:11:53
You mention drug abuse in the past tense. Congratulations for realizing that is a dead end street.
But I did notice your drugs of choice were stimulants. Does this suggest a
broader problem with apathy, fatigue, and depression?When I was your age I had the same sense of profound social disconnection. I was fairly involved-busy, anyway- with school activities but deep down felt pretty apathetic about most everything, aside from sad songs. I wasn't afraid to talk to people, just didn't seem to care about cars, music, the future, or whatever they were talking about. And I stayed tired, too. It was hard to have a social life when I could barely get out of bed on the weekends. It's clear to me now that my loneliness was a symptom of depression that in turn deepened the depression.
On the other hand, a lot of shy people want to join conversations and have things they want to say, but they fear rejection- more of an anxiety/social phobia thing. Depression and social phobia are not mutually exclusive, but determining which came first and which is predominant now might help you address your problem more effectively.
Meanwhile, Racer's advice is excellent . I've seen a lot of shy people lose their inhibition when talking about something that gives them great pleasure or that they truly believe in.
Posted by 1980Monroe on April 18, 2004, at 23:20:39
In reply to Social isolation: Depression or Anxiety?, posted by MrSandman on April 16, 2004, at 4:03:43
I copied and pasted every word, onto Micro. Word and saved it. It was long, long, but i read it in sections. No i really was not a true drug user, i just used it to because it forced me to get involved, i was soo filled with motivation and euphoria i wouldnt shut up, and me feel good about myself for once.
My usual self was locked up, i was comfortable just sitting and saying nothing, mainly becuase previously i had bad annoying social skills, i didnt know how to relate well, i think mainly i because i always had abstract intests, when i was 4 i got obessed with vacumme cleaners, and i wanted to run them all the time, i mean whats so intriging about a simple vancume cleaner?
I never was really intested in what the crowd was in, i think that is a big contribution.
But then I realized how increadibly messed up i was, i went throught horrible emotional problems, breakdowns, outcries, breakdown crying on the floor all the time about how messed up i was, almost everyday. Whew! thank god im out of that stage.
Suicide was planned almost every week, but thank goodness i reasoned with my self and got better. Rejection and Isolation i believe were the main radiant.
I started doing cocaine at that point because it made it seem not so bad, and i felt alot better about myself. It helped for a while, to get throught the worst of it, but then i got better, and terminated usage.
I still plan to go to hypnotherapy and get them to fix me, and make my intrests and my life normal. Lets hope for the best, but thanks for your convern its really apprieciated.
Posted by 1980Monroe on April 18, 2004, at 23:21:24
In reply to Social isolation: Depression or Anxiety?, posted by MrSandman on April 16, 2004, at 4:03:43
Posted by Racer on April 19, 2004, at 8:56:50
In reply to Re: it turned into horrible emotional problems, posted by 1980Monroe on April 18, 2004, at 23:20:39
NO! You don't want someone to Fix you and make your interests NORMAL -- you want to integrate your interests and your personality in such a way that you're no longer conflicted about them.
This is Real Life, not some sort of Stepford Wives thing. You want to be YOU -- with your own interests, with your own quirks, you just don't want to have all the distress that your inner conflicts cause. You want to be able to get through the rest of school and out into the world with YOU intact and happy, and that's very possible. But it's not about 'fixing' you and making your interests normal. I can't stress that enough. If you're interested in something, then that is NORMAL for YOU.
My mother taught me to sew when I was about in kindergarten. When I finally graduated to the sewing machine, at around 10, the first thing I *had* to do was figure out how the lockstitch worked. This was an old fashioned machine in an old fashioned cabinet, so it took a while to trace through the mechanisms to figure it out. Guess what? That's normal. That's OK. Running vacuum cleaners is not that unusual for 4 year olds -- trust me on this one -- and machines in general are fascinating to a lot of young people. Just say that you *have* interests, and then go find help in getting over your worries about that.
Half the problems I saw with the kids I worked with is that a lot of young people never develop ANY interests whatsoever. Think about how empty those lives are? We all need interests, so you're ahead of the game.
Good luck.
Posted by MrSandman on April 19, 2004, at 13:58:43
In reply to Social isolation: Depression or Anxiety?, posted by MrSandman on April 16, 2004, at 4:03:43
Most boys have annoyingly bad social skills. Most boys are inclined to abstraction and have difficulty expressing themselves. Most boys would rather deal with mechanical things- vaccuum cleaners at age 4, cars at 14- than emotions. Legions of males never grow out of these traits, ever.
For some reason, you want to be a balanced, civilized human being (you must have grown up in a house full of women!) Kidding aside, your insight, your manners, your willingness to
take constructive criticism, and your
ability to sincerely express yourself are years ahead of your age group. Most men don't attain these skills until a woman tames them or their job is at stake- probably in their
mid or late twenties.Sometimes the "software" of a kid's mind, whether emotional or cognitive, is too much for the "hardware" of his undersized, still-developing brain to handle. As a little boy, your mechanical aptitude and capacity for abstraction may have taken up most of your brain's capacity. Then in your teens, your deepening emotions- fueled by hormones, the social isolation issue, your extraordinary capacity for self-reflection, and perhaps some stimulant withdrawal- likewise overwhelmed your neural capacity. It may indicate that your mind is more complex than most, your intellect sharper, your emotions deeper, and that you will need a fully developed brain to accomodate your thoughts and feelings.
I think the hypnotherapy has some merit- not with the goal of molding you into one of The Brady Bunch, but of harmonizing the logical part of your mind with the emotional. (Meditation, with a mechanism very similar to hypnosis, has helped me in this way.)
Meanwhile, I hope you are finding outlets for both sides of you. What are you into? (By the way, if you haven't tried playing music, it's a great balance of abstraction and feeling.)
I believe that pursuing your heartfelt interests will lead you to the companions you need. Considering your precociousness, most of these people might be considerably older than you. That's fine. You may well relate better to teenagers when you're older. I've found there's a lot more to learn from people who aren't my age.
Closing the door on the suicide option takes tremendous willpower. I know from experience.
And once again, congratulations on kicking the drugs. I am confident that these victories will give you strength to face the trials and temptations ahead. Good luck!
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