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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on October 10, 2003, at 21:42:16
After 6 month, I have entered probably the hardest part of therapy so far and I am wondering how "theraputic" it is to recall all the details of a painful childhood experience(s). We've talked through the overview after I finally blurted it out a month ago. I went into this truly believing that the past was "irrelevant". How naive of me *smile*.
Since then we've gone back to the discussion a couple of times, if I bring it up or if it is relevent,My Therapist points out the connection. He is being oh so gentle about this, often asking, "do you want to stop?" when it gets really intense.I've yet to verbalize the details though.
Now, because there has been other pressing stuff the past couple of weeks, I don't know if I want (ok, I'm scared) to go back to it. I'm not sure how beneficial it would be. For sure it has been easier between sessions since we've been on other topics. No emotional train-wrecks for 2 weeks.
Any advice?
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 10, 2003, at 22:02:13
In reply to Is there value in telling the details?, posted by DaisyM on October 10, 2003, at 21:42:16
there is a post up above that sort of touches on this point...
and how the"details" were triggering me..
i talked to my sw about it and he agreed that this method may not be right for me..
living in the past is harmful..
living in the future dreamlike..
live in the "now"....
j
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 2:05:39
In reply to Is there value in telling the details?, posted by DaisyM on October 10, 2003, at 21:42:16
I think there are two schools of thought on whether dredging up the past is helpful. One says that you can't change the past so figure out where you are, where you want to go, and make a plan to get there. The other says that understanding what happened can tell you what you need to do to repair the damage. I believe that both work (but not necessarily for all people).
It's like if you have a problem with your leg, you can have surgery or you can wear a brace. Both work. But some people can't have surgery because they can't take the anesthesia. And some people can't wear a brace because they are an actor or a model.
So you need to find out which way will work best for you. Each therapist is trained in one direction or the other, so they will apply the skills that they learned in therapy. But your therapist should be able to explain to you why it is good or not good to delve into the past. Why the pain you feel with be worthwhile in the future, or why it won't.
If you have your therapist explain his position until you understand it, and you yearn for the other, you might want to ask for a referral for a consultation with someone who sees it all differently.
It is really hard to consciously go back to an extremely painful topic in therapy. I did so a couple of weeks ago. But it has been incredibly valuable for me. The pain was intense (still is), but the progress was important. Your therapist sounds good and careful. It sounds like he will protect you if you jump back in.
Good luck
Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 12, 2003, at 21:45:22
In reply to Is there value in telling the details?, posted by DaisyM on October 10, 2003, at 21:42:16
As Fallsfall said, there are different schools of thought. I think that part of the decision needs to be made though on how you see that past affecting you.
To use the leg analogy, there are both possibilities... the brace or surgery. There may be times when something cannot be done without surgery, and there may be injuries that surgery cannot fix. In these cases, the solution is not a choice, but there is only one way to fix the problem.
In my case, I know that I will have to remember traumatic events. These things are not only affecting my life, but controlling it. Taking stock of my life, understanding where I am today is a task that will not happen without understanding and dealing with my past.
There are those though who have a purely chemical disorder, who perhaps have not suffered from the effects of abuse, or similar trauma. This could be bipolar disorder, or something similar. If they enter therapy, it may focus on the present, without a need to delve into the past. The patient though may decide to disclose or not disclose difficulties in their past. It is a matter of comfort.
I could be all wet here. My brain again isn't working that well. I hope this helps though.
Dee.
Posted by DaisyM on October 12, 2003, at 23:02:16
In reply to Re: Is there value in telling the details? » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 2:05:39
It is hard, isn't it? I guess I'm feeling like you, Dee, somehow I don't feel in charge because though these things have been effectively buried for almost 30 years, they have been triggered now. I think I finally understand what the triggers were, but now that Pandora's box is open the thoughts are refusing to be reburied.
The most astonishing part is that I thought I was making life choices "inspite of" but as I explore things it is definately looking like "because of." I guess I'm pretty sure that I need to say, out loud, at least once, the whole story of what happened to me, maybe to prove that I can. Maybe for reasons I don't understand yet. I use to think I could find all of the answers in a book somewhere...I haven't found advice on this though! Just a raging debate...*sigh*
-D
Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 13, 2003, at 21:11:45
In reply to Re: Is there value in telling the details?, posted by DaisyM on October 12, 2003, at 23:02:16
Daisy,
I think that if I've learned anything it is that that book with all of the answers exists only in our minds. Should we wish to put it to paper, that will give us our one opportunity to see it and hold it in our hands.
There are a few books that I've read that do help me understand myself. Books by and about people with DID have helped me a great deal. Understanding that others have gone through trauma similar, at least in severity if not in substance, to what I experienced has helped.
It still is a lonely road. None of my family will accept the things that I experienced. None of them acknowledge me as who I see myself. They offer no help when I try to understand my abuse. They refuse to accept that it happened. Even when specific events are mentioned they are dismissed with an "Oh that wasn't that bad", "Your brother didn't mean anything by that", "They were just playing around and it got a little out of hand".
I learned with answers like this, that I can't talk about it to my family. They will never hear the details. They will never know my story.
Still, I think I need to learn the whole story and to share it with at least one person. That may be my therapist. I don't believe that most people could handle the entire story, and I think that it will be too much for a friend to be burdened with. My therapist works a great deal with trauma and I think that this should be her job.
I really wish that it could be easier for all of us. It's not though, and we have to find the best way for us.
I hope, and I'm sure that you will find the way that works best for you. You have courage, otherwise you wouldn't have survived until today. Use it, and make your own story.
Dee.
Posted by DaisyM on October 14, 2003, at 22:49:47
In reply to Re: Is there value in telling the details? » DaisyM, posted by deirdrehbrt on October 13, 2003, at 21:11:45
I'm sad for what you went through. I'm impressed by what you are now willing to go through.
You seem to have decided on a path even though you know it will be hard. I'm glad you trust your Therapist to handle it. I'm am really beginning to trust mine, but I did tell him last night that I was worried about how hard it must be for him to hear all of this. He made me promise (AGAIN!) not to take care of him. I think he said, "I'm watching the store so you don't have to." *smile*
He told me something else that I hadn't considerd before: We were talking (I was storming) about not being able to put words to all of this. He said, "well, since emotionally things were so out of control for you around these events but you stuffed them completely down, it makes sense that you wouldn't want to talk about it until you felt in control of at least the words." Basically, I'm probably going to need to mentally practice, have the conversation in my head a few hundred times, before I have it with him. Glad to know I'm not required to be spontaneous...just honest.
Thank for calling me courageous. I certainly don't feel that way these days. You should have seen me in session last night - wrapped tightly into a self-hug in the corner of the couch! Not exactly the picture of courage! :(
Then I came home and was a wreck. So much for mental practice! Let me know how it goes for you.
-D
Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 15, 2003, at 21:40:55
In reply to Re: Is there value in telling the details? » deirdrehbrt, posted by DaisyM on October 14, 2003, at 22:49:47
Daisy,
I think that it is those of us who feel fragile and still keep on working getting better that show the most courage. that's not to say that I ever feep particularly corageous, but rather that if I see and recognize that courage in others, that I need to recognize it in myself as well.
I hate it when reason makes me admit things like that. It is much easier to accept the bad things about myself.
Please then, remember for yourself that the good is more than likely much more accurate than the bad. We have all heard the bad, from our parents, from our siblings, from those who have taken advantage of us, and we use that as our own template. It isn't true. We ARE good; the only piece missing is that we don't know it.
If I can know that light travels at 186282.397 miles per second, if I can bellieve that E=MC^2, If I can believe that someone can love me even though I think they are making a mistake, if I can believe either in a god that made the universe, or that chance could create beings such as us and worlds such as that on which we live, if I can believe ANYTHING ELSE, shouldn't I, and shouldn't You believe in the inherent goodness of ourselves?
Well, I don't believe it yet, but I do believe that I should believe it.
One thing that I think you should know though is this; In being here, and in writing to me, you have done something good for me. You let me know that in some measure, someone cares about me, at least enough to write. You have good within you.
Take care of you, you deserve it.
Dee.
Posted by DaisyM on October 15, 2003, at 21:51:57
In reply to Re: Is there value in telling the details?, posted by deirdrehbrt on October 15, 2003, at 21:40:55
How about, I keep telling you and you keep telling me...it all helps!
D
Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 17, 2003, at 21:24:27
In reply to Re: Is there value in telling the details?, posted by DaisyM on October 15, 2003, at 21:51:57
Deal.
I think that if you're hanging around here, we'll run into each other enough to keep it working.
It's so hard, isn't it, to admit that you need others to tell you that you are good, and worthwhile? It's difficult to find, as an adult, that you really do need what you were denied as a child. I think that it might be difficult for quite a few people, but for tthose of us who didn't get it, we feel that admitting that we need the good messages unmasks the fact that we never had them in the first place. Maybe we think that we aren't only saying something bad about ourselves, but about those whom we still care about.
The part that matters is that we don't have those good messages about ourselves. We need them though, If they come from post-its saying "I'm beautiful" near the mirror, "I'm OK the way I am" near the scale, "My Cat, Dog, etc. depends on and loves me" near the food. Hanging things that my children make for me in conspicuous places. It's all good.
So take care hon, You are a very special person, and you deserve to be treated well, by you, as well as those around you.
Dee.
Posted by DaisyM on October 18, 2003, at 0:11:12
In reply to Re: Is there value in telling the details?, posted by deirdrehbrt on October 17, 2003, at 21:24:27
Thank you for the reminders. I needed that tonight. Today has been a REALLY hard day...too many memories being triggered for whatever reason. I still don't get why the pain is so intense after so much time.
I hate not feeling sure of my self-worth. I spent most of last night engaging in escapism fantasies...running away from all of this stress, being rescued (by whom?!) I even thought about if it mattered if I was no longer around, not that I could ever do that to my children. I guess I don't know what I want/need right now,it is pretty dark in this hole.
Sooo...your post really helped. A little light. Thank you. And, right back at you. Here is too a busy, no room for thinking weekends! :)
-D
Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 18, 2003, at 16:22:50
In reply to Re: Is there value in telling the details? » deirdrehbrt, posted by DaisyM on October 18, 2003, at 0:11:12
Daisy,
Your wish came true! I have a too busy week-end. I am joining a church on Sunday. Saturday morning was spent with a friend, deciding on what to wear. I'm going to be making a necklace this evening, I have a bracelet and some earrings that go well together, so I need to make something that works with them.
I have had a week that was terribly busy, and needed a weekend that wasn't. I haven't been so blessed, and am sitting here with an incredible headache.
I lack self confidence too, and really need to get some. It stinks though that everytime I go to the store, and look down the aisle that is supposed to have it, they are all out. I think someone said that I am supposed to make that myself too. Yuck!
Well, Take care of you. it sounds like you are doing a bit better. My very good friend has assured me that I have every right to complain that this life is very hard. I'm giving you that right too. It is hard. We have a lot of work to do. We don't deserve all of the troubles we were saddled with. We do however, just by the fact that we've made it this far, have the ability to make the changes that we need to make. I promise you that if you won't sit still, that I'll keep moving too.
Dee.
This is the end of the thread.
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