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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LJRen on October 22, 2006, at 1:19:38
Came across this site tonight for the first time and thought I'd check it out. Was diagnosed w/ depression 12 years ago. Have tried every anti-depressant out there. Currently taking one but if you were to measure my emotional level from 0-10 with 0=lowest (saddest), 5=neutral, 10=highest (happiest). I consistently hover around 2-5. So, it's safe to say the drugs aren't really doing it for me but I stay on them b/c they keep me from going down to 0-1.
I've been in therapy for years. Not currently tho b/c I just recently moved to another state, started a new job, and waiting for the 90 day probabtionary period to pass so that my insurance will kick in.
Anyway, there's a whole list of crud I'm dealing with right now that I won't go into. I admit that when I was diagnosed years ago it was b/c I was suicidal. Also a couple years ago I walked into an ER b/c I was feeling pretty unstable and my Mom asked me to go. I ended up spending 4 days in a mental hospital. (Ironically, that's not really the best place for a depressed, suicidal person b/c they put you in with all the real crazies and that was just plain scarey.) But right now I'm not contemplating suicide. I'm not motivated enough to take that kind of action I guess.
But I keep wondering why everyone is so against it. Why is it such a bad thing? The word 'our' is a possessive word meaning when something is 'ours' it 'belongs' to us, or me, or you, or whoever. So if it is my life, then I should be able to do with it what I please, as long as I don't bring harm to anyone else. It's the same for people who want to do drugs. Hell, let them. As long as they don't drive, or have the responsibility of taking care of children, or something else like that, then let them do what they want, even if it does destroy their bodies & their lives.
If there are people out there who are so miserable and can't find solace, who for whatever reason are helpless prisoners of their own emotions, then why would anyone want to see them continue on in their misery? It would be like watching someone die from excruciating painful cancer, except people with depression aren't terminal! No, their pain gets to go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on.... And at least cancer patients can get pain killers during their last days. There are no emotional pain killers for us. Well, I guess if you got doped up on drugs or alcohol that might put the emotional pain in a haze, but I'm too smart to go that route.
I have been living with this for so long and I'm to the point now that I don't see it ending. When I was 17, I was in a near fatal car accident where I suffered a great deal of head trauma. Depression runs in my family b/c my Mom has it and her mother has it as well. But I truly believe that accident just made everything I was genetically predispositioned to 10 times worse. My mom even got migraines in her 40s, but I started getting them about a month after I got out of the hospital. So I question almost daily why the hell did I live through that damn accident if most of what I'm going to experience afterwards is going to be so painful. But the answer still continues to elude me.
Anyway, I'm interested in anyone's thoughts about my question.
Thanks, Ren
Posted by LJRen on October 25, 2006, at 22:36:14
In reply to New with an interesting question, posted by LJRen on October 22, 2006, at 1:19:38
Well, a lot of help this place is I see.
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 26, 2006, at 1:27:24
In reply to And the belief that I don't matter continues..., posted by LJRen on October 25, 2006, at 22:36:14
> Well, a lot of help this place is I see.
I'm sorry no one replied. See:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#respond
Maybe try the other boards? I reposted your question to Psycho-Babble Social, there might be more of a response there. Here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061018/msgs/697835.html
Best wishes,
Bob
Posted by Jost on October 27, 2006, at 19:11:32
In reply to Re: a lot of help this place is, posted by Dr. Bob on October 26, 2006, at 1:27:24
Hi, LJRen.
I happened to stop by this board, and saw your question. I had seen it on the Social board, where you did get some answers.
I can't answer your fundamental question, personally-- although from the outside, I could say why other people want you to stay here. You're a valuable to person to others, who know you-- possibly you aren't aware of how valuable, and why.
When you're depressed, it's hard to remember times when you weren't depressed or to think they count, often. The bad emotions often hijack one's memories, or guide you to the bad times, disappointments, losses-- so you can't weigh the good and bad-- at that moment.,
That can be true of good moments, too--luckily. You can really experience the meaning or pleasure of those moments in a full way-- and leave behind the bad parts.
So I guess one reason not to take any irrevocable action is that it may not really be an expression of who you are, and the full range of your life. Even if the future looks bleak, things that you can't predict, esp. in the grip of such pain-- may be so much more possible than you know.
That's not always enough-- ultimately, while I don't think suicide is morally wrong-- I do feel that life is worth living, even with many disappointments, obstacles and uncertainties. Sometimes I doubt that-- but that's what I've found so far.
Jost
Posted by LJRen on October 27, 2006, at 23:11:22
In reply to Re: a lot of help this place is, posted by Jost on October 27, 2006, at 19:11:32
Thanks, Jost. Your response as well as the ones on the social board have given me some new perspective on things. More stuff to think about.
Ren
Posted by doriesmith on January 11, 2007, at 16:07:29
In reply to Re: a lot of help this place is » Jost, posted by LJRen on October 27, 2006, at 23:11:22
Don't give up Ren! Keep posting on here. We've all been there. I want to avoid life rather than end it. I sleep A LOT. I've also seen my husband struggle with his feelings over losing his best friend to suicide at 17 (he's still dealing with that pain and he's going to be 35) and then last April another close friend committed suicide as well (just two months after another friend was killed in the line of duty). I watched his anguish and realized that it seems like such a selfish act to me that I could never do it. I'm glad I found this site and the support it offers.
This is the end of the thread.
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