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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:10:17
It's 3:30am and I'm up, been up all night. I just got done a crying spell and am trying to calm myself down. I'm on my 6th week of Lexapro and just increased Lamictal to 50mg. The thing is, is that my psychiatrist doesn't think I should be on Topamax OR Lamictal because I told him I rarely ever get manic. The only reason why he agreed to increase the Lamictal was because I told him I heard it was good for cycling, which I rarely have anymore, but wanted to be *safe* and that it helps more with the 'depression' side of bipolar, so why not add it to the Lexapro?
I read some other posts and right now I'm wondering if Lex is going to fail me or the increase to only 50mg of Lamictal is making me feel like this? The things I cried about had nothing to with anyone except me. I have no motivation to complete school, something I started at a year ago (transferred as a senior), I'm so close to getting my BA, I'm killing my body with cigarettes and unhealthy food. I can't remember the last time I had a nice piece of salmon with the omega 3 fatty acids, I don't take vitamins, I haven't eaten fruit forever, I get NO exercise, and vegetables, come and go, hardly at all.
When I get so upset that I cry over what I'm doing to my body physically, I want to change, but it passes, and I stay stuck in my sadness about it.
Mentally, I am experiencing extreme fear and sadness over my life, what I should or shouldn't do, I get so confused. It's like I felt tonight that I have no idea what life is really about or how to handle it. I don't know if this has anything to do with the increase of the Lamictal or it's something that any medication just won't help with. I am so ill-feeling that the thought of looking for a therapist makes me cry even more because of all the time and energy it takes to find a good one. I've done so much therapy already but obviously it hasn't helped, at least not with the reasons I am crying, and feeling this way all of the sudden after doing so well for the first few weeks on Lexapro. I just don't have that energy right now. I think to myself if I'm making excuses but in my mind I'm not, I just can't handle the emotional stress in finding someone I can talk to who can help me, besides my mother, sort out these issues so I can get on with some kind of life. It hurts so bad. *crying* I feel like I will never get out of this rut and just don't have the motivation or energy to do anything at all. I am getting my hair weaved this morning and I don't even care about that, it's not going to make me feel better. I miss working, I miss being with people, and I miss my old self. I'm a total people person and want so bad to contribute to this world, and I have failed, and it hurts to know I have wasted the last 10 or 11 years not being *well* enough to do so. This has gone on far too long and I'm so sick of it. I'm crying because I am so lost right now, I'm not sure what to do, where to start, like I just don't care. Advice seems to go in one ear and out the other yet here I am posting asking for it at now almost 4am, still crying and asking for help. I guess I needed to vent and maybe whoever reads this can shed some sort of light for me? I feel like I'm a total difficult nut case, because I just am at the point where I really don't care about anything and that's not good. I've had almost 3 months to make up a term at school because I was in the hospital the whole month of May, and I haven't even touched the work. I have issues of my mother trying hard to control where I go to school, what I do with my life, and I'm 33. Isn't about time I'm able to live my life without my mother trying to live through me? I love her, she has been there for me, so I feel guilty in even talking about her in this post. I was sitting in the dining room just wanting her to come in and hold me, but she's sleeping. And even if I told her, she already knows I am unhappy, and it would just hurt her more to go through this same route of me saying, I'm depressed and crying mom. No one knows I'm crying, and my friends don't know how much pain I really am in, because I don't want to tell them. They have their own lives. I'm embarrassed to tell them hey-I'm not doing good. I don't know what to do, I'm sick of medication, I thought the Lex was helping, but ever since I increased my Lamictal 3 days ago, I have fell into a depression again.
Does ANYONE have any experience with this happening to them with Lamictal, or does anyone think that meds are just not going to cut it for me? I took an extra 1mg of Klonopin and an extra flexeril today just to sleep and maybe calm down, this pattern happened back in April and I ended up in the hospital, I don't want to go there.
Thanks for anyone who got this far in reading this, I needed to post hoping to get some sort of suggestion, to reach out, and to vent. Thank you for reading this far if you did.
galkeepinon
Posted by Heather66 on September 12, 2003, at 10:15:57
In reply to Please advice/feedback/guidance, posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:10:17
I can't advise you on what to do or the medicine, but I can empathize with you as i am going through much of the same thing as you described. I am also your same age - and I also cry uncontrollably without telling the people i know. I feel they don't need to hear about it. I am keeping this depression to myself... except this board. And I just wanted you to know that i read your post and I hope things are better today. Every day I hope is better for me and for you.
Posted by rayww on September 12, 2003, at 10:58:56
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance » galkeepinon, posted by Heather66 on September 12, 2003, at 10:15:57
Heather and gal
I don't know your answers either, but this much I do know:
Have you ever heard of the "dirty thirties"? If you saw the movie, "Seabiscuit" you would get a slight understanding of what happened. As soon as the 30's hit, all support systems shut down and people were left entirely on their own to survive. Many lost their homes, their food, clothing, family in their struggle. Each one had to develop a stark independance, was forced to even. Just as the world was beginning to re-build and heal, another world war tried to shut it all down again.In a sense that happens to many of us in our thirties and forties.
Take a good look at basic survival. It is easy to see, very difficult to grasp, and for some a never-ending battle throughout life. I kind of believe that at some point in everyone's life, they will hit rock bottom. If you are there right now, don't be in a real hurry to leave. STOP. Look around. Feel what is there. See what it is you do not like about being there. Endure. Write a poem about it using bare thought fragments. (......my most difficult year,.... this my 30th year, tried and tested, strained through a seive, is anything left of me? only a prayer and a virtuous thought, have I to offer Thee). Then, look for the tiniest speck of light and focus on that. As you focus on the light take one step forward. Keep breathing in and out. Take some very deep breaths and exhale slowly. Keep moving your hands and your feet and you will get somewhere. Don't just rely on medications. Look at the whole picture and follow the light within. THis is your personal life work. The only thing that matters is you. It is important to realize there are consequenses for every choice you make. Do not ignore the consequenses or expect others to carry you over them. You can make it. God made you to succeed. The tiny speck of light in the darkness is Him.
Posted by galkeepinon on September 13, 2003, at 1:43:24
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance » galkeepinon, posted by Heather66 on September 12, 2003, at 10:15:57
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through much of the same thing as I described. I'm glad you posted. In trying to reach out last night~I hope you'll do the same. I hear you~it is hard to tell people about this, I also feel they don't need to hear about it or they don't want to hear about it. They do have that right though. We just need to find a balance in reaching out to people who can handle it and relate and we all can help each other~that is what I'm hoping anyway.
I'm glad you're here and sharing with this board :-)
Things are a little better, we both just have to keep on keepin on. I send you strength, hope, and peace!
Thank you for being kind.
Take good care.
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 13, 2003, at 14:38:02
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance » Heather66, posted by galkeepinon on September 13, 2003, at 1:43:24
> Things are a little better, we both just have to keep on keepin on...
I'm glad things are better. But this board is supposed to focus on issues related to grief, mourning, and loss, so I'd like to redirect this thread to Psycho-Babble. Here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030912/msgs/259308.html
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Sebastian on September 13, 2003, at 17:57:46
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance » galkeepinon, posted by Heather66 on September 12, 2003, at 10:15:57
I wish I could say I cry. But I don't. I felt like crying, but knowone to cry too. No one around me has relavence for the reasons I would cry. This is all relavent to my "Dead friends" above. I can say that I haven't felt like crying since I started the celexa 2 years almost ago. My dose is now at the max.
Sebastian
Posted by Sebastian on September 13, 2003, at 18:09:30
In reply to Please advice/feedback/guidance, posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:10:17
I am increadably sad inside yet can't find an outlet.
Sebastian
Posted by galkeepinon on September 13, 2003, at 18:34:10
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance, posted by Sebastian on September 13, 2003, at 17:57:46
Posted by galkeepinon on September 13, 2003, at 18:39:39
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance » galkeepinon, posted by Sebastian on September 13, 2003, at 18:09:30
Seb, I hear you! It's like sometimes when we're grieving, we can't pin point what exactly it is? Do you feel like that? I muttle inside my head thinking about sadness, losses, whatever and for some reason thought it was never OK to grieve about anything. Not even something small, even though it gives me a chance to actually *feel*
Feelings~do you think if we actually go through the *feelings* it can help things? Or if we try to, it hurts more?
It's a hard concept to grasp for me. I want to grieve, but when I'm asked to or *put on the spot* it seems impossible. But when I grieve~it's usually alone. Sometimes it just feels better to be alone and cry, think, pray, whatever, without any questions or being drilled by a therapist.> I am increadably sad inside yet can't find an outlet.
>
> Sebastian
Posted by galkeepinon on September 13, 2003, at 18:45:24
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance, posted by Sebastian on September 13, 2003, at 17:57:46
I'm sorry, I'm not sure after being re-directed by Bob exactly what we can talk about on PB Grief board. I guess I was grieving in my post but when I was feeling better, I think Bob wanted it go over to the PB med board:-)
Remember those friends in your own special way Seb:-) Recall all the happy memories or the time that you were granted to be with them:-)
Sometimes I wonder if the meds prevent us from crying, but we all need to cry~releases the toxins, and we do feel better, in my opinion.
Hang tough my friend:-)
(((((hugs)))))
ay I cry. But I don't. I felt like crying, but knowone to cry too. No one around me has relavence for the reasons I would cry. This is all relavent to my "Dead friends" above. I can say that I haven't felt like crying since I started the celexa 2 years almost ago. My dose is now at the max.
>
> Sebastian
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 15, 2003, at 20:32:15
In reply to ((((((Seb)))))), posted by galkeepinon on September 13, 2003, at 18:45:24
> I'm sorry, I'm not sure after being re-directed by Bob exactly what we can talk about on PB Grief board. I guess I was grieving in my post
Sorry, I guess I missed that, carry on...
Bob
This is the end of the thread.
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