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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by holymama on February 9, 2004, at 3:40:07
This must be hypomania.
It is 4 am and I can't sleep.
That is not the first sign, though.
The first sign is a longing for God.
I wish I could talk to someone who understood this. My doctors, my therapist, my husband, my friends...they look at it as a 'symptom' that they want to go away. I understand. I get a bit obsessive.
I want to read my Bible. Yesterday I read 8 chapters (short ones). Galatians, Ephesians, Phillipians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy. At least I am getting through the Bible! And at least my manic obsessions are not of a more unhealthy variety. I tell my husband I could be obsessing over having sex with my neighbor.
The unhealthy part is this. I am trying to get myself away from a 'cult', as some call it, and I can see why they do. During my last mania, I became obsessively involved with the Jehovah's Witnesses. Now, I have gotten obsessively involved with many things before during my manias: Yoga (lost 15 pounds, was in the best shape of my life), Jewelry business (wanted to start a business with the worst business partner one could imagine), the Peace Movement (which is great! But I am not a political person at all, so my vigor was a bit odd to those close to me). But all of those obsessions left me when the mania was gone and the depression hit. THis time is different.
This time, I am medicated, and there is no depression hitting me to 'clear away' my zeal. And second, and most importantly, the Jehovah's Witnesses are not leaving me alone.
There is one woman in particular that I like. SHe is my Bible studies teacher, the woman responsible for 'me coming along', as the Witnesses say. She has visited once, twice, three times a week for the psat year, more often when I was depressed or very manic and having a hard time. Her husband is manic-depressive, you see, so she understands. This is also when she became more aggressive in her attempts to 'recruit' me into her church.
I feel like I should be angry about this, but not at all. My husband is furious. My relatives and my friends have been scared and angry. I am just left like this: when I am hypomanic at 4 am (or at any other time of the day), I long for my Witness friend to visit. I dream about becoming a Witness one day when my children are out of the house and my husband can't fight me any more about it. And I obsessively read my Bible.
During most other, more balanced and stable parts of my life, I fight that urge, because I know it is not a healthy option for myself or my family. And I win that fight. But this morning I am up before everyone else in the house, giving in a little.
Posted by judy1 on February 9, 2004, at 13:23:04
In reply to It's happening again..., posted by holymama on February 9, 2004, at 3:40:07
religious zeal is a real common thread in my hypomanias also, except I'm not as aware of my actions as you seem to be. I think the key to judging whether your present desire to be involved in religion is a result of your disorder or not, is to check your past behaviors during 'normal' periods. that's when trusted friends and family come in- ask them whether you are 'this' interested in religion when not manic- and I'm assuming that reduced need for sleep for you is a symptom of hypomania/mania. my family REALLY gets concerned when I get more religious, simply because it's such a frequent symptom of a manic episode for me and my manias are extremely destructive. you didn't mention your pdoc at all, can you call him/her and explain how you feel- perhaps if this is a hypomanic episode all you need is a med adjustment to help calm things down. as far as your bible teacher is concerned, that would be just awful if she was taking advantage of your disorder (particularly since she is aware of it). I wish you all the best- judy
Posted by holymama on February 9, 2004, at 14:01:08
In reply to Re: It's happening again... » holymama, posted by judy1 on February 9, 2004, at 13:23:04
Hi Judy
Yes, my husband has already hinted to me that he thinks I'm going overboard with the religious zeal and getting a bit manicky.
The problem is, this has become a common thing for me every month. I am only on my third or fourth month of a mood stabilizer (trileptal) as well as maybe 9 months on an AD (lexapro). The mood stabilizer has evened me out quite a bit, mellowed my mood swings, but I think that I still am cycling -- once a month. I think I cycle mildly from a few days of depression to normal to a week of hypomania and back again...again and again...
I mentioned this to my pdoc last month and he suggested I take an extra 5 mg lexapro (my AD) when I feel depressed to stop the depression. I had tried this on my own a few times and it had worked. That doesn't solve the problem of the hypomania or the cycling though. I suppose I might have to stop the AD for good at some point...I wonder what my pdoc is thinking. I'm new at this and he's done a good job so far, or at least I've been extremely receptive to the meds I've tried, but they are not perfect yet.
As for now, I'm just dealing with these waves of religious zeal that eventually break into a mild depression.....INSTABILITY is my middle name. :)
I prefer the religious obsession, but I'd like to stay away from becoming a Jehovah's Witness for my family's sake if possible.Autumn
Posted by Simus on February 9, 2004, at 17:05:45
In reply to Re: It's happening again..., posted by holymama on February 9, 2004, at 14:01:08
holymama,
In spite of your bipolar battle, it sounds like you are pretty clear on what is and isn't good for your life. If any group seems "cultish" to you, STAY AWAY FROM THEM.
Seeking God is a good thing, as is reading the Bible. But even with something good like Bible reading, you have to maintain a healthy balance and not go overboard.
Does your family go to church? Are they Christians? I belong to a great church, and they have pulled me through many, many times in the course of this illness. May you also be blessed to find a good church with strong believers to stand with you through the storms of life.
You are in my prayers. God bless you. Let us know how you are doing.
Posted by NikkiT2 on February 10, 2004, at 13:08:22
In reply to It's happening again..., posted by holymama on February 9, 2004, at 3:40:07
I get a little like this too at times.. I'm not bi polar, but i do have periods of getting terribly interested in religion, and it then passes.
I know Christianity and its ilk aren't for me (not believing, and unable to believe, in God do cause a problem is those ones!).. Buddhism is what matches my philosophies best.. and I have periods of deciding that yes, I will go and join and take lessons at our local Buddhist centre *l*
But it never quite gets past my lethergy.. its always "soon, I will do it.." *laughing*Nikki x
Posted by holymama on February 10, 2004, at 15:20:56
In reply to Re: It's happening again... » holymama, posted by NikkiT2 on February 10, 2004, at 13:08:22
Hi Simus, thank you for the blessings.
My family does NOT have a church yet that we are a part of. We are looking. We may have found the one that we will stick with -- a very small and friendly episcopal church. We have been three times in the past month. I still want to visit the Quaker church that is nearby, as well as a Baptist and Methodist church.
I want to feel part of a church community which I hope will pull me away from the Jehovah's Witnesses and will satisfy this spiritual itch I have developed! I'm having a hard time feeling satisfied with another church after my involvement with the Witnesses. They just have this way of convincing you that their way is the only 'true' way of worship and anything else just doesn't seem right after that. Some people say it's brainwashing -- they're probably right. It doesn't matter what you call it. I'm struggling with it, whatever it is. There is a lot of guilt.
AAAGH! I thought I was getting better from this illness I've been struggling with. The past year has been so hard -- depression, mania, an aggressive religious recruit, finding God...it's been hard AND amazing. I'm still trying to sort through the rubble of my life after this storm has passed. For the most part, I feel good on my meds -- more stable, mild and in control of my moods. But I have all of these weird obsessive things left over -- obsessive Bible reading, a longing for this church and this motherly Witness woman who has taught me. I stay at home and read and have become heavy, heavy hearted. It's not all bad -- I mean heavy is not bad, it's just...heavy. I feel more responsible for the world and for people.
Most of my friends, husband, therapist, etc think I've gotten too obsessive, and need to balance my life. That is everyone's advice. It's good advice! I just don't know how, and I have reservations. What if I have been chosen by God for something? THis feels like the most life /mind altering experience I have ever had and I have a new STRONG faith and inspiration in and by God in my life. SHouldn't I use it instead of trying to get rid of it? As one of my best friends says to me (the rare friend who feels differently than most people in my life) -- our culture doesn't value spiritual experience. Everyone thinks it's weird and of no or little value, something to put in a small dark corner of your life, like Sunday mornings at church, and leave it there. Get on with your life. She encourages me to use the inspiration if it's there. I just don't know how to use it. ANd then of course there is my WItness friend who agrees with me that God has chosen me...
Sorry for the blabbering. I have a lot to sort out. Anyone's advice would be appreciated. This is definately an interesting phase of my life, or beginning of a 'new' life................
Posted by judy1 on February 10, 2004, at 19:10:13
In reply to Re: It's happening again..., posted by holymama on February 9, 2004, at 14:01:08
I can't take ADs at all, they always make me manic despite being on mood stabilizers. Most BP specialists don't like their patients on them- they feel it makes them unstable. having said that, I hope you're able to find a church your whole family feels comfortable in- I think that will be a big part of feeling emotionally healthy.
take care, judy
Posted by Simus on February 10, 2004, at 23:22:24
In reply to Re: It's happening again...}}Simus, posted by holymama on February 10, 2004, at 15:20:56
> Hi Simus, thank you for the blessings.
>
> My family does NOT have a church yet that we are a part of. We are looking. We may have found the one that we will stick with -- a very small and friendly episcopal church. We have been three times in the past month. I still want to visit the Quaker church that is nearby, as well as a Baptist and Methodist church.
>
> I want to feel part of a church community which I hope will pull me away from the Jehovah's Witnesses and will satisfy this spiritual itch I have developed! I'm having a hard time feeling satisfied with another church after my involvement with the Witnesses. They just have this way of convincing you that their way is the only 'true' way of worship and anything else just doesn't seem right after that. Some people say it's brainwashing -- they're probably right. It doesn't matter what you call it. I'm struggling with it, whatever it is. There is a lot of guilt.
>
First, let me say that I do understand where you are at. My heart really goes out to you. Any group or person who tries to control you by any means, whether it is guilt or fear or whatever, you need to resist. Do some research and find out the truth about this group - an objective third party can shed a lot of light on the situation for you. Then decide whether or not you want to have any affiliation with it. Don't make a decision based on an emotion or the "kindness" of one person (or even a few people) in the group.
>
> AAAGH! I thought I was getting better from this illness I've been struggling with. The past year has been so hard -- depression, mania, an aggressive religious recruit, finding God...it's been hard AND amazing. I'm still trying to sort through the rubble of my life after this storm has passed. For the most part, I feel good on my meds -- more stable, mild and in control of my moods. But I have all of these weird obsessive things left over -- obsessive Bible reading, a longing for this church and this motherly Witness woman who has taught me. I stay at home and read and have become heavy, heavy hearted. It's not all bad -- I mean heavy is not bad, it's just...heavy. I feel more responsible for the world and for people.
>
> Most of my friends, husband, therapist, etc think I've gotten too obsessive, and need to balance my life. That is everyone's advice. It's good advice! I just don't know how, and I have reservations. What if I have been chosen by God for something? THis feels like the most life /mind altering experience I have ever had and I have a new STRONG faith and inspiration in and by God in my life. SHouldn't I use it instead of trying to get rid of it? As one of my best friends says to me (the rare friend who feels differently than most people in my life) -- our culture doesn't value spiritual experience. Everyone thinks it's weird and of no or little value, something to put in a small dark corner of your life, like Sunday mornings at church, and leave it there. Get on with your life. She encourages me to use the inspiration if it's there. I just don't know how to use it. ANd then of course there is my WItness friend who agrees with me that God has chosen me...
>
God pre-knew you and predestined you. You do have a purpose. But there will be a time of preparation. That is why you need to find a GOOD church and settle in and patiently grow up in God. He is faithful and He will bring you into the fulfillment of your destiny in His time.
>
> Sorry for the blabbering. I have a lot to sort out. Anyone's advice would be appreciated. This is definately an interesting phase of my life, or beginning of a 'new' life................Please keep in touch. I will continue to pray for you. One thing I would like to suggest is that you look up when Joyce Meyer is broadcasting in your area. She is a practical, down-to-earth Bible teacher who can help you sort out some of the difficult issues in life. It will help fill the void until you find a church. God bless.
Posted by Gisele on February 12, 2004, at 2:16:47
In reply to It's happening again..., posted by holymama on February 9, 2004, at 3:40:07
Dear Holy Mama
I have been through this myself. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous for several years and the 12th step recommends that you find a church that you believe in. Where you can explore the Higher Power thing. Anyway being bi-polar I took that very seriously. I began to search and went to many churchs. I was raised Catholic and could not get my head around many of their beliefs. Then I began going to many Protestant Churches and could not feel that they had enough answers to my questions. They all had some good but not enough. Then I tried the born again Churches and again I found that many of their beliefs or doctrines I could not embrace. I began to feel hopeless in finding a church I could truly believe in. I decided to just be as spirital as I could and read the bible and pray for myself.
A few years later I moved out West. I began meeting many Mormons. (The Church Of Jesus Christ OF Latter Day Saints)
they were different. I was very curious about their beliefs. I began to learn about the Prophet Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon. It freaked me out. (In a good way) They had answers to all my questions and they made so much sense. The more I investigated the more I felt that this Church was the one. The right one. The true one. I was scared to commit but eventually did and I have been a member for about 20 yrs now. I have never once doubted or had second thoughts. I feel very blessed to have found what I consider to be the only true church upon the face of the earth. It has kept me alive when suicide was on my mind. It has brought me closer to God than anything I have ever done in my life. I feel that the reason I have done so well in my life being bi polar is thanks to programs like AA and finally my beautifull Church. Although I have struggled I have always found comfort and peace in my relationship with Jesus and my Heavenly Father and in the fellowship of the members of their Church. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.God Bless you in your search. The search for truth and your desire for Love from Your Heavenly Father is not mania it is a divine gift from your Heavenly Father that you might find him. He is there for you always.
God Bless
Sincerely,
Gisi
Posted by rayww on February 12, 2004, at 21:50:47
In reply to Re: It's happening again..., posted by Gisele on February 12, 2004, at 2:16:47
Gisi, welcome. Have you posted here before? I have found the church to be the perfect combination of balance and motion. I have needed it's standard to measure myself by, and the security of its doctrine and truth to fall back on. Though not a convert, I have been renewed by my faith over and over again. It is a living growing church, and it grows in me too. I grow in it and it grows in me.
Posted by holymama on February 14, 2004, at 13:19:53
In reply to Re: It's happening again..., posted by Gisele on February 12, 2004, at 2:16:47
Dear Giselle,
I think we have posted on the same thread twice recently. Is Giselle your real name? It is a beautiful name. I just wanted to say hi and I think it is interesting that you are a Mormon (I still don't know if that is the term you use for yourselves or not! I don't want to use a term that you don't use or find offensive. Please educate me). There seem to be a few Mormons on this site, and it always seems to me that the ones I have posted to all seem very confident and happy with their faith. That is a nice thing to see. Coming from an experience with the Jehovah's Witnesses, certainty and a strong faith are things I admire about them too.
This is definately an interesting place to talk with people of different beliefs.
Sincerely, Autumn
Posted by green hornet on March 18, 2004, at 13:34:39
In reply to Re: It's happening again... » Gisele, posted by holymama on February 14, 2004, at 13:19:53
> Dear Giselle,
>
> I think we have posted on the same thread twice recently. Is Giselle your real name? It is a beautiful name. I just wanted to say hi and I think it is interesting that you are a Mormon (I still don't know if that is the term you use for yourselves or not! I don't want to use a term that you don't use or find offensive. Please educate me). There seem to be a few Mormons on this site, and it always seems to me that the ones I have posted to all seem very confident and happy with their faith. That is a nice thing to see. Coming from an experience with the Jehovah's Witnesses, certainty and a strong faith are things I admire about them too.
>
> This is definately an interesting place to talk with people of different beliefs.
>
> Sincerely, AutumnAutum,
I am not a Mormon, I am a Christian who is VERY comfortable and happy with my faith. Green Hornet
This is the end of the thread.
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