![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on November 27, 2007, at 15:41:58
Trying to find the balance, the tightrope is way slippery. The esteem of self versus the esteem I want others to hold me in (like others should, for some reason). Thanksgiving said it all: my outrage for undertaking such a grandiose set of tasks. Who was going to stop the madness? Nobody, that's who. Everyone, to a man, was perfectly content to let me whip myself into the frenzy of have-to-make-the-perfect-meal Martha Stewart-ardedness I had in my head. Hubby's solution is to have the meal catered next year. My solution is to not have those expectations any more at all...
I don't know, the day was such a mess on so many levels. The self hatred afterwards was a shock, though. I'm a BAD person for wanting help? No. I'm a bad person for not asking for help? Maybe...
The black and white thinking that comes from that 'holic background crops up at the worst of times, yet it does it because it's trying to teach me something!! I'm not BAD and they are GOOD. We are gradients of gray or we are all the colours of the rainbow. It's the thinking, the Stinking Thinking that is black and white.
I'm getting somewhere with this, I know I am. Let me work it through. See it up on the screen for a couple of days. Throw me a bone or two, someone...
Posted by Phillipa on November 28, 2007, at 14:00:19
In reply to Fighting to esteem, posted by ClearSkies on November 27, 2007, at 15:41:58
No drinking though and here'e your bone!!!!!! Clear Skies I gave that up years ago and worked the Holidays as an excuse and it was succesful as nurses don't like working holidays. Now I have no excuse except everyone lives far away. The stress is in knowing husband wants to see Family for Christmas two dogs a cat and wacked out wife don't cut it. So you're not alone. Phillipa
Posted by ClearSkies on November 28, 2007, at 14:50:31
In reply to Re: Fighting to esteem » ClearSkies, posted by Phillipa on November 28, 2007, at 14:00:19
> wacked out wife
That's me!!!
Posted by Phillipa on November 28, 2007, at 18:43:49
In reply to Re: Fighting to esteem, posted by ClearSkies on November 28, 2007, at 14:50:31
He He Love Phillipa
Posted by karen_kay on November 29, 2007, at 14:11:07
In reply to Fighting to esteem, posted by ClearSkies on November 27, 2007, at 15:41:58
i don't know if this helps or not, but last year, i had a huge thanksgiving dinner. this year, i signed up for it again. last year, my sister lived i this house too, so i had her help, but she's moved so i wouldn't have ehr help and i realized it. so, i told everyone 'NO WAY!!! FORGET IT!!!' and just had a few people over.
mister kk put the turkey in the night before (and i let him help me while i was asleep, so i didn't hover over him and criticize, as i'm apt to do), made cookies, and cleaned the kitchen up for me. again, whiel i was asleep, so i wasn't up his butt.
the inlaws didn't come, so that helped. but, they aren't critical at all. that helps a whole bunch!!
maybe mister cs is trying to help in his own way by saying catering will be a good option jsut so you don't have to stress at all. i know i would be upset at the thought of having people over for a catered feast, especially inlaws.
maybe, you can ask for help, but get that help while you're busy doing something else. if you're like me (i'm assuming and you know what they say about that....) geting help while you can't oversee it may be useful and keep you from watching him do it??? is that the problem???
OOOOOORRRRRRR... you could realize that you're jsut one person and preparing a feast for hungry inlaws (assuming yoru inlaws are like mine, they probably eat like pigs :), requires!!!!!! help!!! one person alone just cannot do it. and if oneperson does then <taaaa daaaa> that person should be proud and named a super hero!!!!!
sweetie, you're wonderful! you put on a feast for your family! i'm sure they enjoyed all of it! and you shoudl realize it's ok to ask for help when you need it. AND.... you didn't turn to old habits to get you through!!!!!
YAHOOO to super hero cs!!!!! you're perfection hun! give yourself a break. everyone else thinks you're great! you shoudl step back and view yourself as everyone else does :) you'd see a completely different person in the mirror! a perfectly delicious gorgeous woman, who is capable and wonderful!!!!!!
love you sweetie,
kk
Posted by jammerlich on November 29, 2007, at 14:32:53
In reply to Fighting to esteem, posted by ClearSkies on November 27, 2007, at 15:41:58
Oh, ClearSkies, you are SO not a bad person. Not for any of it. Ok, so it's a part of your nature not to ask for help. But that's not a good thing or a bad thing; it's just a thing that IS. It seems like you're headed in the right direction with the whole good/bad thing, but I just wanted to say it myself!
You got the Beck workbook, too, right? I really think you could apply the concept of giving yourself credit to this situation. You deserve LOTS of it:
You didn't drink.
You made plans ahead of time to ease the
stress (puzzle). It may not have worked as well as you'd hoped, but you thought about it and it was an opportunity to learn what works and what doesn't.You actually got a nice meal together! I could probably never do this, so I'm really impressed.
You are taking this very unpleasant experience and using it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Those are BIG things. So, give yourself a pat on the back for them. You deserve it!!
My mother's family is generally not a great role model for much of anything; but, I think we've managed to do the whole holiday meal thing pretty well. Generally everyone brings a dish or two and we use paper plates and plastic utensils. Sometimes, though, we go completely non-traditional. This Thanksgiving, we had spaghetti. My aunt made that, my mother brought bread and salad, and I brought dessert. There really is no reason for one person to do all the work and it's completely OK that you're sick and tired of being stuck in that position.
I have only hosted a holiday once, and I had On the Border cater a fajita meal. We picked everything up the day before and just had to throw it in the oven the next day. Everyone loved it! So, your husband's idea of catering might not be so bad.
Jammer
Posted by ClearSkies on November 29, 2007, at 14:51:56
In reply to Re: Fighting to esteem » ClearSkies, posted by jammerlich on November 29, 2007, at 14:32:53
Well, I fought off my demons for several days, at least, but as Antigua forewarned on a thread on the Social board, I succumbed to my addiction.
Gahh, it looks awful up there in black and vanilla. And it was 3 drinks. I grimaced, but I didn't stop. I was at that lowest point, and by myself (big danger for me) and there was all this freaking booze left over in the house, so I drank some of it. Ordinarily, we never have anything in the fridge or in the cabinet, but right now we're stocked to the gills. Only drank enough to feel extremely guilty and get a headache, but I swear, I had to beat myself up some more, ya know?
A slip, as they say. Something to make you feel even more like a loser than you already do (and it does, and I did). DID. I'm OK, back on track. Like some remnant of a sick ritual that serves no purpose except to make myself hate myself even more. So, thanks for that.
I really do hate myself right now. I suppose this will pass, but it's a very familiar feeling.
Posted by karen_kay on November 29, 2007, at 16:22:36
In reply to Re: Fighting to esteem, posted by ClearSkies on November 29, 2007, at 14:51:56
3 drinks and now it's over hun. don't beat yourself up over it. noone else is. i'm certainly not judging you, so don't do it to youself.
i hope that didn't sound harsh. you know, it's something you'll have to face your whole life. i'm proud of you for admitting it. time to treat yourself like everyone else does, as a human being who's tempted, you know?
your friend,
kk
Posted by zenhussy on November 29, 2007, at 17:16:10
In reply to Re: Fighting to esteem, posted by ClearSkies on November 29, 2007, at 14:51:56
Posted by ClearSkies on November 30, 2007, at 14:38:21
In reply to aw don't hate = ( love more powerful...use love! (nm) » ClearSkies, posted by zenhussy on November 29, 2007, at 17:16:10
I understand intellectually that love is far more powerful, but now have come to the realization that this was actually a PTSD experience for me; that I was reliving past and vastly far more traumatic T-givings. I knew at the time that my reactions were out of proportion to the situation, yet it took several days and the tender words of a close and far away friend for me to fully appreciate just what I was experiencing.
No wonder that I'm feeling so very drained and depressed right now. I've got the nicely suppressed memories of years' worth of really awful, tragic and ugly holidays just percolating up in my head now. It was all I could do not so cry in my yoga class last night; the gentle and loving words of our teacher just ripped my heart into tiny little pieces.
Just what to do with them; that's the predicament.
Posted by zenhussy on November 30, 2007, at 19:53:44
In reply to Re: aw don't hate = ( love more powerful...use lo » zenhussy, posted by ClearSkies on November 30, 2007, at 14:38:21
Posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2007, at 21:27:38
In reply to Re: aw don't hate = ( love more powerful...use lo » zenhussy, posted by ClearSkies on November 30, 2007, at 14:38:21
Didn't you say somewhere you were going away for Christmas? That will relieve the pressure and you'll have fun. Isn't it Canada? Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Self-Esteem | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.