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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by scratchpad on February 25, 2007, at 9:55:39
Had a houseguest this weekend, a childhood friend of my DH's. He has always been an enormous trigger to me due to his alcoholic behaviour. He has no understanding of how "personal spaces" work, and is literally in my face unless I hold him out at my arms' length. Very touchy-feely in an uncomfrotable, though not sexual way. Just too darn close! I do restrict how often I see him, but he is my hubby's friend. Quite often, our visits leave me in a trembling rage, determined not to have to spend any time with him. I told my DH that I'd be on my guard this time, as I'm not prepared to sacrifice any more weekends to his wreck of a life.
This weekend I put on my boundary armor and stood my ground. When he uttered thoughtless and provocative words, I stayed quiet and did not respond.
disengageWhen he asked inappropriate questions about the state of my mental health, I smiled and said, "I'm doing fine, thanks."
disengageWhen he started swearing loudly at the table during last night's restaurant meal, I told him his behaviour appalled me. He thought I was joking. I assured him that I wasn't. He has quite the potty mouth when he's loaded.
Now, I'm going to use my sage bundle and perform a cleansing ritual for the house.Scratchpad
Posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2007, at 14:31:58
In reply to Standing up for myself, posted by scratchpad on February 25, 2007, at 9:55:39
Two Four Six Eight
Who is really really great?
Scratchpad!
Scratchpad!Three Five Seven Nine
Who keeps her boundaries well defined?
Scratchpad!
Scratchpad!Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh scratchpad!
namaste
gg
Posted by scratchpad on February 25, 2007, at 15:00:26
In reply to *\0/* Two Four Six Eight! *\0/* » scratchpad, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2007, at 14:31:58
Posted by Poet on February 25, 2007, at 17:50:07
In reply to Standing up for myself, posted by scratchpad on February 25, 2007, at 9:55:39
Hi Scratchpad,
I would never have been able to show the restraint you did, I think I would have slugged him in the mouth. If I were you I'd tell my husband that next time his friend stays for the weekend you get to go to a nice B&B or better yet, a spa.
Glad you cleansed the annoying spirit from your house.
Poet
Posted by Declan on February 25, 2007, at 18:01:15
In reply to Re: Standing up for myself » scratchpad, posted by Poet on February 25, 2007, at 17:50:07
It's interesting when associates, if not friends, can leave you in a state of trembling rage.
Makes you wonder how it looks from their angle.That sage burning stick thing...they sell them here...there's some name for them.
It is one of the wonders of the world how difficult it can be for some people in some circumstances to stand up for themselves.
Posted by scratchpad on February 26, 2007, at 7:05:17
In reply to Re: Standing up for myself » scratchpad, posted by Poet on February 25, 2007, at 17:50:07
> Hi Scratchpad,
>
> I would never have been able to show the restraint you did, I think I would have slugged him in the mouth. If I were you I'd tell my husband that next time his friend stays for the weekend you get to go to a nice B&B or better yet, a spa.
>I spoke with my husband about this before. The next time an overnight visit is planned, I'm going to vacate myself entirely.
> Glad you cleansed the annoying spirit from your house.
>
> Poet
>
>
Yes, the ritual really does help me reclaim my space, especially when it's been violated like that.Scratch
Posted by scratchpad on February 26, 2007, at 7:09:39
In reply to Re: Standing up for myself, posted by Declan on February 25, 2007, at 18:01:15
> It's interesting when associates, if not friends, can leave you in a state of trembling rage.
> Makes you wonder how it looks from their angle.
>He really didn't notice anything until I told him to stop swearing. Completely oblivious, otherwise.
> That sage burning stick thing...they sell them here...there's some name for them.
>I think I've seen them called smudge-sticks.
> It is one of the wonders of the world how difficult it can be for some people in some circumstances to stand up for themselves.
Yes, it's something I've been struggling with a lot recently. I have 18 years' experience in an abusive marriage that taught me how to lay low and avoid conflict altogether. Its effect has been pervasive and slow in being unlearned.
Scratch
Posted by Declan on February 26, 2007, at 18:57:56
In reply to Re: Standing up for myself » Declan, posted by scratchpad on February 26, 2007, at 7:09:39
Yes, maybe if you just can't stand conflict, do everything you can to make sure there's none, acumulate resentment and anger, and then stew in it?
It's because we humans are so plastic and malleable. Never ceases to amaze me.
Posted by AuntieMel on February 27, 2007, at 11:18:48
In reply to Re: Standing up for myself » Poet, posted by scratchpad on February 26, 2007, at 7:05:17
Good excuse for you to come here for a visit.
"The next time an overnight visit is planned, I'm going to vacate myself entirely."
Posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2007, at 11:56:15
In reply to Re: Good excuse » scratchpad, posted by AuntieMel on February 27, 2007, at 11:18:48
Scatch you did so well. Love Phillipa yeah I think I'd lock myself in the bedroom.
Posted by Dinah on March 6, 2007, at 14:12:10
In reply to Standing up for myself, posted by scratchpad on February 25, 2007, at 9:55:39
Good for you!
I find that so hard to do in person, without getting overly emotional. I'm really impressed.
Posted by scratchpad on March 7, 2007, at 16:40:02
In reply to Re: Good excuse » scratchpad, posted by AuntieMel on February 27, 2007, at 11:18:48
> Good excuse for you to come here for a visit.
>
> "The next time an overnight visit is planned, I'm going to vacate myself entirely."
>
>
>You are absolutely right. Next time this guy comes over for a visit, I think I'll be out of town. I'll be in your town!!
sp
Posted by elanor roosevelt on May 21, 2007, at 20:51:15
In reply to Re: Good excuse » AuntieMel, posted by scratchpad on March 7, 2007, at 16:40:02
i am the worst at standig up for myself
and people perceive me as the opposite
i attended a conflict resolution workshop when my daughter was in preK
i realized that i had never seen conflict as leading the way to resolution
rather, to me, conflict was an entity in itself
duh - ten years later i am still chewing on that one
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