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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DannaB on February 19, 2007, at 21:55:27
First off, I am very sensitive. Second, I am currently depressed. However, I don't think my perceptions are TOO far off. I just feel that people don't really like me all that much. I guess I'm worried and depressed a lot. I hide it pretty well, but when I'm feeling bad about myself it's hard to be the life of the party.
Anyway, I feel that I'm always rejected by others. It's hard for me to make friends and hard to keep the friendship going. For example, I have a best friend who I've known for more than half of my life. Lately, she doens't return many of my calls. I know she's "super busy" at work, but even so...I know she makes time for guys she's talking to, but not me, her old friend...then there's my friend from college. (Sadly, the ONLY friend I have from my college days, when I was deeply depressed.) We only talk every few (3-4) months, and she too doesn't really return my calls. Also, she visited my city one time, and happened to be doing something on the very STREET where I was working at the time and didn't call me to get together. What type of friend is that?
Why is it so hard to make and keep friendships? Why do people grow away from each other? I feel that when I was on antidepressants (I can't be on them due to side effects) I had closer friendships in my life.
Posted by scratchpad on February 21, 2007, at 15:52:34
In reply to People don't seem to like me, posted by DannaB on February 19, 2007, at 21:55:27
((((Danna))))
My therapist told me to stop trying so hard to make friends. I still don't have many (except for my precious babblers) but it doesn't bother me as much.
I've moved a lot, I have had many jobs, I live far from family, and I've been divorced. At every turn it has felt like I have shed friends more easily than strands of hair.
If you can decide to become your own best friend, then the extra ones outside of ourselves become a bonus. People come into and out of our lives all the time - actively pursuing friends helped make me depressed.Scratchpad
Posted by Jo U.K on February 22, 2007, at 11:34:22
In reply to Re: People don't seem to like me » DannaB, posted by scratchpad on February 21, 2007, at 15:52:34
I agree with Scratchpad Danna. I've no doubt that you are a very worthwhile person, if only you could believe that. I don't live near my family and I moved away from my two good friends. The few new people I've met in my new area do not seem very interested in making any effort. I'm trying not to take this personally, but it can get to me at times. I hope you can work on your self esteem and remember that there ARE decent folks out there ( Babblers !).
(((((Danna))))
Posted by DannaB on February 22, 2007, at 20:38:04
In reply to Re: People don't seem to like me, posted by Jo U.K on February 22, 2007, at 11:34:22
Thank you. You're both so sweet.
I just don't have that "easy" way with people. What comes across to others is insecurity. It's hard for me to make real, lasting connections with others.
Posted by Phillipa on February 22, 2007, at 22:10:31
In reply to Re: People don't seem to like me, posted by DannaB on February 22, 2007, at 20:38:04
I've always been a loner except when I worked I socialized there but out of work no socialization prefer my own company and that of my dogs and cat. I too have moved a lot. And scratch is right it ups your level of stress trying to make friends. Love Phillipa
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on February 24, 2007, at 7:10:18
In reply to Re: People don't seem to like me, posted by Phillipa on February 22, 2007, at 22:10:31
I hate the fact that friends do seem to come and go. One thing I've noticed is that I tend to become friends with people who then I then later find out are actually depressives themselves! Its like we kinda stick together.
Is there some kind of group thing you could go to? I bet you'd met some other people who feel just like you.
I also tend to find that some of my friends are people that I wouldn't really think would become my friends, if that makes sense. You know?
Kind regards
Meri
PS do you do any kind of therapy?
Posted by Dinah on March 6, 2007, at 14:17:12
In reply to Re: People don't seem to like me, posted by DannaB on February 22, 2007, at 20:38:04
I really have this huge social phobia, although from what I hear, it comes across to others as if I'm stuck up and unfriendly.
And once you're out of school, it's kind of hard to make good friends. Maybe at work if you happen to work at a large office with people your own age, or maybe at church. But I hear the complaint a lot, even among what appear to be undepressed perfectly normal outgoing people. I think they say that's why buddy shows appeal so much to the television audience. We all want a Cheers in our lives, or a circle of friends like Friends.
Posted by DannaB on March 8, 2007, at 19:25:30
In reply to Re: People don't seem to like me, posted by Meri-Tuuli on February 24, 2007, at 7:10:18
Yes, I'm in therapy. It's so hard to feel that I don't fit in a lot of the time. My doc says I'm too hard on myself...
Posted by Phillipa on March 8, 2007, at 19:37:50
In reply to Re: People don't seem to like me, posted by DannaB on March 8, 2007, at 19:25:30
Danna bet you are I'm very hard on myself too. Do you work or stay home? I ask as how do co-workers treat you if you work. Love Phillipa
Posted by DannaB on March 12, 2007, at 12:42:26
In reply to Re: People don't seem to like me » DannaB, posted by Phillipa on March 8, 2007, at 19:37:50
I am a full-time (older) graduate student.
I have an internship and on the job I usually get by, but I just don't fit in socially as well as I'd like.
On top of the usually now I'm depressed about my recent breakup.
Posted by WorryGirl on May 8, 2007, at 19:07:32
In reply to People don't seem to like me, posted by DannaB on February 19, 2007, at 21:55:27
It really is amazing how similar your story is to mine. I really want you to know that you ARE an interesting person and would make a great friend to many different types of people. Please don't give up! They are out there and your life will become more enriched when your paths cross.
Like you, I had a messed up childhood. I was severerely picked on when I was 12-13 years old and was never defended by another student or teacher. I was extremely criticized at home. By high school I had made a few friends (never the "cool" ones, of course). I cherished those friends but we all ended up going our separate ways after high school.
Many years, several jobs and one failed marriage already under my belt, I realized a destructive pattern. People would always like me at first, thinking I was pretty with a decent, if shy personality. Then it was like something clicked on in me that started to make me try too hard, as if I was going to lose the relationship. I tried just as hard with co-workers as I did with neighbors, would-be friends, and even strangers on the street. After a while, those who I thought liked me seemed to be snickering behind my back. I wasn't really saying anything wrong, I probably just seemed really insecure. Then, as I felt them pull back, I tried even harder to be nice (classic people-pleaser tendency). Then, when I realized that they really didn't want me in their social network, I slunk away with my tail between my legs and only spoke to them when necessary.
Honey, it truly is all about perception, meaning that how people perceive your self-esteem to be is how they will treat you. I was treated badly, rudely, or coldly for many years until I started to realize that I had to come across more confidently; even if I didn't feel it, I was going to have to fake it. It was scary as hell and sometimes still is. I have been through many years of pills and therapy now. I think that all of those other people who seem to be included in the social groups are just good at faking it.
Once you get their confidence in you (because they see your confidence in yourself), you can let your hair down a little. Eventually you will find that you don't necessarily want to be friends with all of the people you thought you did. I used to think I had to be nice to everyone and get them to be my friend. Now I know that I can pick and choose. I am nice to all, then when I have found people who I feel a special bond with, I can share more of my private life with them.
I struggle with anxiety, both general and social and depression. I struggle with OCD and bulimia, as well. I am so far from perfect and always will be. What is amazing to me is that I used to feel that I had to hide all this crap. That if these people found out they would really dislike me. But the funny thing is that when I open up to others about my problems (after using my intuition about who I can trust), they end up feeling much closer to me and because I opened up they feel free to reciprocate.
None of this happened overnight, but suddenly it all seemed OK.
I will be thinking about you and hoping things start turning around for you whether it be meds, therapy or meeting some great people.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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