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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on February 2, 2005, at 13:45:37
I'm musing on this a lot right now, because of all the problems I'm having with recovery. Since I'm having so much trouble figuring out what it is that makes being slim so damned important to me, I thought I'd post it here as a challenge to us all.
The best I can say about my weight is that Calvin has a hell of a lot to answer for! I've got this overwhelming sense that being overweight is sinful, that eating until you're full is a sign of sinful self-indulgence, and that it's a sure sign of moral turpitude. You know, one should always work just a bit harder than one can, eat a bit less than one needs, etc. Hunger is a sign of moral rectitude.
Beyond that, there's a part of me that desperately needs to feel attractive, which to me still means slim. Actually, it means "built in a manner other than the way I am built", but it's the same sort of thing. I've got a barrel chest and big boobs, which makes me look even heavier than I am. I'm also very short waisted, with my waistline up around my ribcage, which makes me a bit disproportionate. My arms are short, my legs are crooked, and I have a prominent nose. Somehow, people still think of me as attractive, though.
There's something else, too, that I know is involved: it used to be that every sexual partner I had said, at some point, some variation on "you're so tiny!" I loved hearing that, and pleasing them. I know that that's somewhere in my sickness.
I also know that all those things that were said to me when I was young are still there -- the comments and teasing I got at home and at school about being a fat kid. Looking back, it wasn't so much fat as fuel, since I grew like an accordian -- not much growth for a few years, while I got chubby, then a spurt of growth, then more fueling up. What's more, pictures of me as a kid all show that I didn't get chubby all over -- only my mid section. I know that I was anxious and depressed through a lot of my childhood, mostly anxious, so maybe it was hypercortisolemia? Maybe the chubby tummy has something to do with major abdominal surgery when I was a child? I did so many thousands of sit ups and crunches throughout the years, only to have strong back muscles, and a sloppy stomach. Who knows?
So, what does your body weight mean to you? And did you get teased or criticised for your body when you were young?
Posted by photogirlla on February 2, 2005, at 16:43:36
In reply to What does your weight mean to you?, posted by Racer on February 2, 2005, at 13:45:37
Racer
My father used to tell me I was fat( I look at pics of me as kid and I was skinny-- mid-life divorce-daddy). I chubbed out a bit in 8th-9th grade then slimmed out and grew to 5'10".
My HS was all girls and had a disproportionate amount of teen models in it in NYC. So I was the fat kid in school because at 5'10' I weighed 135, the model girls weighed 110.
I grew up with this distorted view of myself which has not improved much though now wished I weighed 135 LOL those days long gone!!
Whats funny is I dont judge other women's weight-- only my own-- as bad.
I agree with all your connotations of fat being lazy, gross, etc and being able to control what you eat is sign of fortitude-- obviously I have none as love to eat!!
weight is a loaded issue for most women, I d say... why? because despite the fact that we are equal, we are still judged WAY to much on how we look. I actually did model in my late teens and 20 and still have horrible self esteem, despite being PAID for my face... sigh.
what can ya do?
cheers
Posted by jujube on February 3, 2005, at 9:53:10
In reply to What does your weight mean to you?, posted by Racer on February 2, 2005, at 13:45:37
That's an interesting topic. I wasn't teased or criticized about my weight per se when I was young, but I did become self-conscious of my body image at an early age. I started developing quite quickly when I was about ten or so, and really didn't think much about it until a close family friend of my mom's commented in a crowded room "she's a little girl in a women's body". It made me feel even more uncomfortable than I already did when I was around people. I spent years wearing sweaters and shirts two sizes too big to "hide", and still do sometimes. I was never fat, but I did go through periods of strenuous and almost obsessive dieting hoping I would shrink, particularly in one area, and be waif-like like so many of my friends. I find now that my weight can fluctuate, and I find myself prone to gain (not enormous amounts though) when I go through some kind of significant change (a move, a new job, etc.). I find that weird, and maybe it's just me who experiences it - who knows.
I remember one of my best friends at one point became so ill trying to lose weight in order to be skinny and petite like so many others in our circle of friends. She was an extremely athletic girl, and her doctor finally told her that the weight goal she had set for herself was ridiculous because she was so athletic and very muscular. She was by no means fat, and eventually accepted and even embraced the fact that she was the right size and weight for her body type, even though at first it was a hard pill to swallow.
I agree that it's not easy to accept our own body weight when we are bombarded with images of tall, skinny women with almost boyish figures peddling clothes to us - average women - who certainly aren't a size 0 and probably never will be.
And, this issue isn't exclusive to women anymore. Men, I am sure, struggle with the same distorted views of the "ideal" body weight and body image.
Posted by i'm_ok on February 18, 2005, at 23:40:31
In reply to Re: What does your weight mean to you? » Racer, posted by jujube on February 3, 2005, at 9:53:10
My weight means everything to me. I weigh myself everyday. But I find it sickening that I go into a depression, then gain alot of weight and only find myself happy once again only when I lose the weight . I've always had low self esteem, although if anyone looks at me, they see a beautiful woman. I dont see it..sometimes I do but not often. I'm 42, look maybe 30 something but I am still waiting for the day when I am happy with myself. some how I know that will never be.
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