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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maxime on December 30, 2004, at 2:52:05
Hi
Quick intro. I am 36 years old and have suffered from anorexia since I was 12. I am also bipolar.
I have a text book case of anorexia :
- Controlling mom
- Need for perfection
- No self- esteem
- Self-hatred
- etc. etc.I have done some damage to my body from laxative abuse (don't use them PLEASE) and a low bone density. I let the number on the scale define what type of day I am going to have. I have no close friends. I isolate.
I am alone and I hate living like this.
Maxime
Posted by antigua on December 30, 2004, at 11:22:37
In reply to Text book anorexia, posted by Maxime on December 30, 2004, at 2:52:05
You are not alone! Look at this board. There are lots of us here. Post, post, post. You may be a textbook case but you are also a special person who probably doesn't know how special she is.
Post to us and let us get to know you. There are lots of people who care and would like to help.
antigua
Posted by Cairo on January 1, 2005, at 0:47:20
In reply to Text book anorexia, posted by Maxime on December 30, 2004, at 2:52:05
Is there anyone you trust that you can spend time with without stress or being judged? Have you found a good therapist who can really listen to you? From your posts, you sound very caring and insightful...we care about you.
Cairo
Posted by Maxime on January 1, 2005, at 2:48:43
In reply to Re: Text book anorexia, posted by Cairo on January 1, 2005, at 0:47:20
Oh my goodness! Your posts made me cry. I don't have a therapist right now for financial reasons. I am on waiting lists for slidding fee scale therapists. I do see a psychiatrist.
It's really late right now and I am exhausted. But I just wanted to say that your responses meant the world to me. Thank you.
Hugs,
Maxime
Posted by Cairo on January 1, 2005, at 10:29:27
In reply to Re: Text book anorexia, posted by Maxime on January 1, 2005, at 2:48:43
Can you psychiatrist help more or is he/she just the "hellohowareyouheresyourprescription" kind? I've never understood how you can prescribe meds but not treat the PERSON, especially in psychiatry.
Have you checked out websites for AD? Perhaps you can call and have your name bumped up on the list for therapists? Are you eligible for any other financial assistance that could help defer costs? Talk to a social worker at the nearby hospital and see if they have any ideas about resources.
Happy New Year, Maxime! Try to find some something that you love to do today and enjoy it and try to remember the feeling when you're down. You are WORTH it!
Cairo
Posted by Maxime on January 1, 2005, at 19:57:44
In reply to Re: Text book anorexia, posted by Cairo on January 1, 2005, at 10:29:27
Hi Cairo -
I have an amazing psychiatrist for the most part. Yes, he manages my meds but he also does some therapy with me. He has hyponotised twice when I was I going through an awful time at work.I've been honest with him about my intake but he doesn't focus on it at all. I don't look like I am restricting. My metabolism is messed up and I have a thyroid problem so my body doesn't reflect my low calorie intake. I don't think he will do anything until I look underweight. But I've struggled with disease long enough to know to that I am damaging my body. I might be the fattest anoretic, but my daily intake is never more than 400 calories.
Part of me doesn't want help because I can get away with my behaviour and no one cares. I lie about what I have eaten etc. and people figure I am telling the truth because I don't look like I did in 2001. Yet nothing has really changed except one messed up metabolism and thyroid. I take thyroid medication but the weight I gain doesn't seem to want to leave my body. I feel like such a fat cow.
I want to self-destruct. I don't feel like I deserve anything good in life. I don't know why I feel this way but I do.
I don't know why I am posting here. I am not looking for recovery. I think it is because I want to help others if I can. I like helping others.
Maxime
> Can you psychiatrist help more or is he/she just the "hellohowareyouheresyourprescription" kind? I've never understood how you can prescribe meds but not treat the PERSON, especially in psychiatry.
>
> Have you checked out websites for AD? Perhaps you can call and have your name bumped up on the list for therapists? Are you eligible for any other financial assistance that could help defer costs? Talk to a social worker at the nearby hospital and see if they have any ideas about resources.
>
> Happy New Year, Maxime! Try to find some something that you love to do today and enjoy it and try to remember the feeling when you're down. You are WORTH it!
>
> Cairo
>
>
>
>
Posted by shrinking violet on January 2, 2005, at 11:08:52
In reply to Re: Text book anorexia -trigger negative talk, posted by Maxime on January 1, 2005, at 19:57:44
>> I've been honest with him about my intake but he doesn't focus on it at all. I don't look like I am restricting. My metabolism is messed up and I have a thyroid problem so my body doesn't reflect my low calorie intake. I don't think he will do anything until I look underweight. But I've struggled with disease long enough to know to that I am damaging my body. I might be the fattest anoretic, but my daily intake is never more than 400 calories.
--Hi Maxime. :-) Do you *want* your psych to focus on your intake? It sounds like (and forgive me if I'm wrong) that some part of you knows you are taking in too little and are worried about that, but maybe you need/want someone else to be worried as well, and since no one seems to be (that you know of, I'm sure they are) you are finding it hard to verbalize your concerns for yourself? Perhaps you could talk to your doc about your intake, how you feel it may be too little but you aren't sure how to increase on your own? Is there any way you can see a nutritionist or dietician?
>> Part of me doesn't want help because I can get away with my behaviour and no one cares. I lie about what I have eaten etc. and people figure I am telling the truth because I don't look like I did in 2001. Yet nothing has really changed except one messed up metabolism and thyroid. I take thyroid medication but the weight I gain doesn't seem to want to leave my body. I feel like such a fat cow.--You're not fat, hon. Yes, it feels that way...I know the feeling too well. My university where I'm a grad student and see a treatment team are now forcing me to undergo partial hospitalization in an outpatient day program for EDs before I can return to school in a few weeks. Do I think they are overreacting? Yes. Do I think I'm that much underweight, especially since I've been much lower? No, but I'm trying to trust my team and realize that maybe they know more than I do. I mean, I doubt they'd force me to do this unless they thought it was necessary. Also, EDs are a MENTAL illness first and foremost. Yes, it is one that also effects us physically, but it is still a mental disorder and how you think and feel mentally defines the severity of this illness much more than how much you weigh.
>> I want to self-destruct. I don't feel like I deserve anything good in life. I don't know why I feel this way but I do.
--Gosh, I feel the same way sweetie, I do, which makes wanting to do anything good for myself so very hard. My T says that feeling had to have been created somehow, though, that we aren't born hating ourselves. The trick is to figure out what makes you feel that way, what happened to you (directly or indirectly) to make you hate yourself so much. <3
>> I don't know why I am posting here. I am not looking for recovery. I think it is because I want to help others if I can. I like helping others.
--I'm glad you're posting here. I feel the same as you in terms of helping other people, but I'm also learning that you sort of need to take care of yourself before you can really take care of someone else. In a group this week, someone said something that is sort of resonating with me: she said that people with EDs and negative self-esteem are very self-oriented, and all of that energy we use to focus on ourselves (even though it's hating ourselves and thinking negatively, it's still self-attention) we are taking away from being able to focus on others. It's something I'm still playing around with in my mind, but it's making me think....maybe it will help you in some way as well.
I hope i wasn't too harsh or pushy? I try not to be that way b/c I don't like it when others do it to me! :-) Take care sweetie. Email me anytime, ok?
Peace,
sv
Posted by Maxime on January 3, 2005, at 22:35:17
In reply to Re: Text book anorexia -trigger negative talk » Maxime, posted by shrinking violet on January 2, 2005, at 11:08:52
> >> I've been honest with him about my intake but he doesn't focus on it at all. I don't look like I am restricting. My metabolism is messed up and I have a thyroid problem so my body doesn't reflect my low calorie intake. I don't think he will do anything until I look underweight. But I've struggled with disease long enough to know to that I am damaging my body. I might be the fattest anoretic, but my daily intake is never more than 400 calories.
>
> --Hi Maxime. :-) Do you *want* your psych to focus on your intake? It sounds like (and forgive me if I'm wrong) that some part of you knows you are taking in too little and are worried about that, but maybe you need/want someone else to be worried as well, and since no one seems to be (that you know of, I'm sure they are) you are finding it hard to verbalize your concerns for yourself? Perhaps you could talk to your doc about your intake, how you feel it may be too little but you aren't sure how to increase on your own? Is there any way you can see a nutritionist or dietician?
>
Hi - Well I feel like he is giving me carte blanche to continue down the anorexic path. And I thought he would be somewhat concerned. So I guess I feel overlooked BUT at the same I am glad.> >> Part of me doesn't want help because I can get away with my behaviour and no one cares. I lie about what I have eaten etc. and people figure I am telling the truth because I don't look like I did in 2001. Yet nothing has really changed except one messed up metabolism and thyroid. I take thyroid medication but the weight I gain doesn't seem to want to leave my body. I feel like such a fat cow.
>
> --You're not fat, hon. Yes, it feels that way...I know the feeling too well. My university where I'm a grad student and see a treatment team are now forcing me to undergo partial hospitalization in an outpatient day program for EDs before I can return to school in a few weeks. Do I think they are overreacting? Yes. Do I think I'm that much underweight, especially since I've been much lower? No, but I'm trying to trust my team and realize that maybe they know more than I do. I mean, I doubt they'd force me to do this unless they thought it was necessary. Also, EDs are a MENTAL illness first and foremost. Yes, it is one that also effects us physically, but it is still a mental disorder and how you think and feel mentally defines the severity of this illness much more than how much you weigh.I'm 40 pounds heavier than I was and I am short. So I am very fat.
> >> I want to self-destruct. I don't feel like I deserve anything good in life. I don't know why I feel this way but I do.
>
> --Gosh, I feel the same way sweetie, I do, which makes wanting to do anything good for myself so very hard. My T says that feeling had to have been created somehow, though, that we aren't born hating ourselves. The trick is to figure out what makes you feel that way, what happened to you (directly or indirectly) to make you hate yourself so much. <3
>
> >> I don't know why I am posting here. I am not looking for recovery. I think it is because I want to help others if I can. I like helping others.
>
> --I'm glad you're posting here. I feel the same as you in terms of helping other people, but I'm also learning that you sort of need to take care of yourself before you can really take care of someone else. In a group this week, someone said something that is sort of resonating with me: she said that people with EDs and negative self-esteem are very self-oriented, and all of that energy we use to focus on ourselves (even though it's hating ourselves and thinking negatively, it's still self-attention) we are taking away from being able to focus on others. It's something I'm still playing around with in my mind, but it's making me think....maybe it will help you in some way as well.
>
> I hope i wasn't too harsh or pushy? I try not to be that way b/c I don't like it when others do it to me! :-) Take care sweetie. Email me anytime, ok?
>
> Peace,
> svNo, you weren't too harsh or pushy. I am surprised you took the time to respond to my post at all. But I am glad that you did.
max
Posted by Cairo on January 9, 2005, at 8:08:12
In reply to Re: Text book anorexia -trigger negative talk, posted by Maxime on January 1, 2005, at 19:57:44
Maxime,
I understand what you mean about the pdoc not focusing on your intake problem. Your issues need a team with members who can address ALL your concerns and have expertise in all of them.I totally agree with your weight/caloric conundrum. "If it doesn't look broken, then don't fix it." But you know better. Trust your instincts as they sound correct to me. Don't beat yourself up because the doctor or others don't see it. The "experts" all not always experts.
When you finally get an appointment with an insurance covered therapist, make sure that they understand and can communicate with the doctor. You also need a nutritionist skilled in ED.
As to the weight issue in spite of caloric restriction, there might be other physical or metabolic issues that need to be looked into. A sharp Internist might be a good place to start or push your Endocrinologist to look further. My gut feeling is that there is something missing from this picture. You need a good workup and doctors who can see beyond the ED issue.
I have a friend whose daughter was gaining weight and the Endo and nutritionist kept blaming it on ED. But she has juvenile diabetes with "normal" blood sugars much of the time. They put her on AD meds, but that seemed to make issues worse. After pushing her Mom to go get another opinion, they went to see another Endo who is uncovering more problems contributing to her weight gain. It's not all in her head.
My own experience (not with ED, but with other issues) is that doctors diagnose and practice what they know and are comfortable with and my husband, who is a physician, confirms that. It reminds me of the story about the blind men and the elephant; they "see" only what they "know". This is normal, but the public thinks that all doctors are omniscient. Medicine is imperfect and we are our own best advocates.
Anxiety or whatever can cause negative talk, but that doesn't mean that your concerns are not legitimate.
Hang in there, Maxime. We're all in this together.
Cairo
This is the end of the thread.
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