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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 14:18:19
I don't know about the rest of you, but this whole thing is pretty overwhelming for me, and I feel lost and trapped, even with the treatment I'm getting. So, let's all hang together here -- else we all hang separately (with apologies to Benjamin Franklin) -- and see what we can do for one another, OK?
Here are a bunch of things that have come to my mind, questions that I'm asking myself, thoughts I've had, the usual Racer Ramblings. Anyone have any thoughts to keep mine company?
1. What do I really get out of this? What need am I filling by starving myself?
2. What will be left when I "recover"? Who will I be? What will take its place? Starving myself and now going through recovery have taken up a lot of my time for the past year and a half. When I'm not spending half my time on these, what will I do with all that time?
3. Somehow, starving myself seems as if it's comforting me, taking care of me, and punishing someone else. That's obviously distorted, right? And eating, somehow, seems as if it's punishing me. How do such incredible distortions arise? Why would something like that start to seem real? And who else understands that?
4. How do I know whether the eating is real recovery, or just pretending, waiting until I can starve myself again?
5. I'm not quite meeting the goals set by my nutritional counselor. I'm about one serving short each day, and am getting most of my carbs from fruits instead of grains. Is this resisting recovery? Or resisting the RD? Or is it really what it seems like to me, too much food for one day right now?
6. I'm scared. Am I afraid of the food? The effects of the food? Recovering and not having all this anymore? Where is my fear really focused?
7. Eating disorders are very isolating. Is the retreat primary, or is the eating disorder primary? Am I disordered in my eating IN ORDER to isolate myself? Or am I isolated BECAUSE I'm starving myself?
8. What makes my weight so damned important, anyway? Why is my body so important? What's that all about?
9. What are the benefits of recovery? The drawbacks? Let's be honest here -- if there weren't benefits to EDs, we wouldn't be posting here, right? So, what are the drawbacks of recovery?
10. How much is habit, how much is a starved brain, and how much is active ED thinking? Where do we draw those lines?
OK, there's my list of ten questions. Maybe if we all think about them, we can share insights. IF anyone else has other questions, please do share them. Mine are off the cuff, and just some random ramblings. Let's see if we learn anything about ourselves, and if it helps, 'K?
I'm so glad we have this forum -- let's make it zing!
Posted by gardenergirl on December 5, 2004, at 0:16:22
In reply to OK, so what are we all going to do?, posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 14:18:19
Wow, those are EXCELLENT questions. And hard ones. I need some time to think, and I may have to do them one by one.
My issue is binge eating, btw. I used to blame all the weight gain on Nardil, but clearly, there is something I get out of bingeing.
Perhaps I'm not ready to face it yet. But I will post more soon.
gg
Posted by stresser on December 5, 2004, at 20:30:19
In reply to Re: OK, so what are we all going to do?, posted by gardenergirl on December 5, 2004, at 0:16:22
I think I have read some posts from you, Racer, on one of the other boards... anyway, my daughter has a binge eating problem and we are trying to get to the root of the problem. Two years down the drain, and nothing yet. She is seeing a new doc tomorrow, and I hope he will be able to help her. I know she is seeking comfort in food, and cannot handle it if I ask her about how she is doing with any "type of diet" that she is currently trying. She trys to watch what she eats, if she doesn't, the weight rolls on. Lexapro caused her to gain this summer, and it's hard for her to lose it. The doc put her on Topamax, but so far nothing has happened there either. Can any of you give me advice as to what is going through her head? Do I say nothing to her about her weight? I am keeping my mouth shut these days.
I have a terriblel memory....it happens at 43. I don't remember which one of you is in school, but do know that your education is EXTREMELY, I can't imply enough, important. You are almost finished....and it sounds to me that you could also be near a wellness program for your ED. I do know you are afraid of what lies ahead for you.... please open the door. I didn't have one to open, and now, reading what you have written I can clearly, without a doubt..... tell you to get that help. Let me know how you are doing. You have a chance that many women don't have....and desperatly need!! Take it. Take it. Take it. I have talked to many women in your shoes who have taken it, and are happy healthy professional people today. Some mothers! Good luck and God Bless.-L
Posted by Donna Louise on December 5, 2004, at 20:35:12
In reply to OK, so what are we all going to do?, posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 14:18:19
I would like to respond to contemplation #8 about why the body is such a big deal. I have done alot of thinking about that one. And beyond the usual societal and advertising pressures, for me it has to do with power. When I was young I had a really nice body, I guess I still do for being 50 although I think it is too fat of course. But I had alot of power over men with it and and got alot of attention that way. My self esteem was so low that my body was the ony thing I thought was of interest. I could also make myself feel I was better than other women because the reality of it was that I was afraid of them all. It seemed to take away some of the fear. So needless to say that as I have gotten older and the meds have put on the weight, I have been pretty freaked out. My whole 40th decade was about coming to terms with this and I have made some progress but I have a way to go. The newest med is working so well for me but it notices every calorie that goes in so I can't get away with anything. And I am terrified that I will just keep on gaining. This is the first time in years that I have felt this good and it is putting weight on me. The universe just keeps giving it to me, I haven't learned all my lessons yet!!
At any rate, that is just one of the body things I have been considering for awhile. I don't think any change can occur without awareness first so I am glad to be aware at any rate. And glad for this board too. And all of you so brave to post. It is still scary even in this anonymous setting.Hey, as I was proof reading this I realized that I think the only acceptable body is a perfect one. Why can't I think if this body now as at least being good enough? I think I was getting there with that concept until the new med started me gaining. I hope by cutting the calories I can at least arrest it.
Posted by Donna Louise on December 5, 2004, at 20:45:09
In reply to OK, so what are we all going to do?, posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 14:18:19
oh, and Question 6. What am I really afraid of? Losing my illusion of having some power so that no one can hurt me. ok, more basically, I am afraid of being hurt. What do I mean by hurt? hmmm. By being ignored and disrespected. Ha, I know what childhood stuff that came from. But the fault in the thinking is that my body is what would make me wanted and respected. Hey, time to rely on some other things about myself to get that for me. Like being a good, kind person for one thing...but I can't imagine I will ever be okay with the clothes griping me in the waisteline.
Posted by antigua on December 7, 2004, at 8:29:50
In reply to OK, so what are we all going to do?, posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 14:18:19
This will be a long process. I'm going to tackle the first three questions today:
1. What do I really get out of this? What need am I filling by starving myself?
As I said before, starving myself is punishing myself, depriving myself of a basic need to be fed and nourished. I'm not deserving of feeding myself, to feel that good, full feeling. Must remind me of being a baby and not having needs met--probably wasn't fed regularly and was hungry so it's a familiar feeling (I was hungry a lot as a child, I do remember that!)It also has a sexual connotation for me, in terms of feelings.When I binge, it's trying to fill myself up as fast as possible, w/anything, to fill the emptiness (also has to do w/the need to discharge the bad tasting stuff from my mouth.)
I vacillate back and forth between the two--mostly now it's starving myself, but when does a pattern become a pattern? Binging is always an option, no matter how many years go by (except it's a health issue as I get older)2. What will be left when I "recover"? Who will I be? What will take its place? Starving myself and now going through recovery have taken up a lot of my time for the past year and a half. When I'm not spending half my time on these, what will I do with all that time?
I will be a happy, happy woman if it ever slips away forever. If I obsess about food, I know i'm in trouble w/something else. As I resolve my csa issues the needs lessen.
3. Somehow, starving myself seems as if it's comforting me, taking care of me, and punishing someone else. That's obviously distorted, right? And eating, somehow, seems as if it's punishing me. How do such incredible distortions arise? Why would something like that start to seem real? And who else understands that?
For me, starving is punishing me, and not anyone else (remember I said that other people like me thinner--my husband especially. I just laugh!). Starving myself does provide some sort of sadistic, sexual comfort to me, but then I'm pretty wierd (can't believe I admitted that here!). Starving myself makes me more aware of my body. That said, being fat makes me hate my body and sometimes that's a safer place to be. Putting on weight is a protection against sexual advances, makes me not noticeable, I'm not pretty, or desireable.
How's that for a start?
antigua
Posted by antigua on December 9, 2004, at 19:40:59
In reply to OK, so what are we all going to do?, posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 14:18:19
9. What are the benefits of recovery? The drawbacks? Let's be honest here -- if there weren't benefits to EDs, we wouldn't be posting here, right? So, what are the drawbacks of recovery?
This question made me think. The benefits of recovery to me are that when it works right, I no longer think about my food intake all the time and that releases energy that I can use elsewhere in my life.
The drawbacks? Well, What do I replace it with? How do I cope effectively w/o resorting to another self-destructive behavior? Otherwise I'm just replacing one w/the other.
For me, resolving the core issues in my life is the only thing that's going to "fix" me.
antigua
Posted by iris2 on December 21, 2004, at 15:03:06
In reply to Re: OK, so what are we all going to do? » Racer, posted by Donna Louise on December 5, 2004, at 20:35:12
I identified with your post so much. I am afraid of other woman and I think intimidated by them. If I felt good about my body and my whole self esteem seems to be wrapped up in it then I felt like I had some power over all this. I too had been able to be ok with my body for several years now . Then I recently took a medication tha had me gain some weight and changed my body shape terribly and I cannot accept it. I am overwhelmed with thoughts about it all the time. I know "I" am not my body but emotionally I feel that way. I would be interested in you keeping me updated about how you are dealing with it. I have not figured it out yet. I am aware of my problem but I cannot seem to make my emotions calm down about it and be more rational even though my mind understands the logic of it all. What do you think is the best way to learn to deal with not being "perfect"?
Irene
Posted by Donna Louise on December 21, 2004, at 22:24:28
In reply to Re: OK, so what are we all going to do?, posted by iris2 on December 21, 2004, at 15:03:06
Irene, thanks so much for responding to my post. I am sorry you feel like I do but it is reassuring to not be alone. I am so glad that you asked the question, "what do we do?" That makes me really think, and put something down "on paper", this will help sooo much.
For starters, I have stopped watching ads on tv. And alot of tv in general. It is not good for me to see all the "perfect" people and ads for how to become perfect. That is all that is on it seems. I watch alot of independant films instead. Or crime stories (I have this dark side...)A friend was telling me that I just have to get Oprah's magazine this month, she looks great, rock hard abs, ect. Well, I am glad for her, she is long overdue to have some success in the body area but looking at that kind of stuff makes me nuts, competitive, and like I need to do everything to be that way too. Especially since Oprah and I are both 50. Women of color age so much better than irish types...Another thing I can think of is something someone else mentioned. I am grateful for all the parts of me that are wonderful. I have feet and ankles that have never let me down, no pain ect. My knees don't bother me either. I am really grateful to be athletic and graceful. My body just doesn't let me down. I can do things many young people cannot. This is such a huge gift, I wonder how I can ever want more. And I rarely get sick. Wow. After writing this stuff, I feel pretty darn good about the ol' bod. And while I am thinking about it, I am pretty too, in spite of the sagging and wrinkling.
That will do for starters. I will continue to ponder this really helpful question. Thanks again.Donna
This is the end of the thread.
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