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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on December 2, 2004, at 10:40:09
Hi everyone,
I'm glad we now have a place to discuss ED issues. :)
I don't want to make this post longer than need be (as I usually do. And I'm at work, so I need to be quick).
To the point: How do you get past the fear of eating and weight gain? Is it possible?
My school (I'm a grad student at Uni) is pretty much forcing me to seek treatment over the winter break. Ideally they would want me to go inpatient, but I absolutely refuse, so I'm going to try the partial program. But, I've been there twice already; the first time I bugged out after an hour, the second time I lasted two days. This time though, if I leave again I'm probably going to get thrown out of school as I've continued to lose weight and become borderline medically unstable, so if I don't do something quick, I'm going to get thrown out and I only have one semester left.
But I don't see how this time is going to be any different than the other two. Mainly because I'm not sure what the hell it is that I want, so I'm not sure I even *want* treatment, although now I'm contracted to stay with my treatment team at school so, again, I have no choice right now. I'm SO afraid to go back to the program though, and I doubt my "team" is going to be able to prepare me enough in the next few weeks; that's only, what, about 3 or 4 therapy sessions? And I'm afraid to even tell them how afraid and unsure I am, b/c it may seem like I'm being too resistant, etc, and I'd hate to give them any more ammunition right now. As far as eating...ugh, I'm nowhere near where the program is going to expect me to be when I get there (they have supervised breakfast and lunch, and they expect 100% of food to be eaten right off or else they make a huge stink about it). My nutrtionist is really nice, but she can't work miracles, and she can't really eat the food for me, either. :(
I don't know what to do. I'm so scared right now. I feel like I'm being choked. I want to want this, but I don't. The little part of me that wanted something "better" has pretty much given up, I think. And I'm so tired of fighting myself, you know?
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry this was longer than I intended.
SV
Posted by Racer on December 2, 2004, at 13:33:32
In reply to How to get over the fear -- is it possible?, posted by shrinking violet on December 2, 2004, at 10:40:09
I ain't got no idea if it's possible, but I'll still say a few things to you as if I knew something. Does that help? You know, it's always easier to see something in others than to recognize it in oneself...
First off, I guess there's the sixty four thousand dollar question: what are you getting out of your ED that is so much more valuable than your education?
If you can answer that one, it might help you a lot. The next question I guess I'd ask you is why you don't want to engage in your treatment?
That one is hard, and I know it as well as anyone. My RD just gave me a goal for this week: eat five servings of carbohydrate per day. That's a third of what she thinks I actually need, and only about a serving away from what I had been eating before this appointment. You know what? I haven't managed it so far. Not only that, I don't want to meet that goal, because it's going to make me even fatter than I am now. It's too much. I want to eat LESS, not more! Heheheh, and I'm the one who's motivated and really wants to want to recover... EDs are pretty damned compelling, and they really do serve some function for us. That's what makes treating them so damned hard.
So, why aren't you motivated to work on this? Do you know? Have you asked yourself this? Is it because the initial impetus is coming from the school administration and not from you? Is it because the treatment model isn't working for you? Do you need someone to smack you upside the head, telling you what you're doing to your body? (Don't knock it -- it worked wonders for a friend of mine, her doctor gave her the explanation of what was happening to her body, and she snapped out of it. Rare, but possible. And don't forget how horrifying it can be to find yourself shorter than you were...) Do you need more structure, like a partial hospitalization program? Or more education, like intensive nutritional counseling? (And you know what? I do know a fair amount about nutrition, and thought I didn't need much from the RD. I was wrong. I'm learning more every time I see her, and it does help. Even if it's hard to be really motivated to meet my goals.) Or maybe you really do need to go inpatient for the break.
How do you feel about school, other than overwhelmed? How do you feel about being close to finishing? Are you intimidated by getting done? Could that be involved in your foot dragging?
As for whether it's possible to get over the fear, yes and no. That's been my experience, at least. My weight has always been a flash point for me, especially since I've gained so much from meds over the years. My entire life has been spent either anorexic and much too thin, or on meds and much too fat. (Slight exaggeration: there have been a few periods where I was in a semi-normal range. Often a bit too thin, but only a bit. Ten pounds underweight, rather than fifty.) It's an easy focus for my dissatisfaction.
But you know what? When I'm normalized, it's mostly background noise. Nothing more important than, say, the sound of the flourescent light bulb in our kitchen humming when I'm cooking breakfast, you know? There, but really not noticeable. So, in that sense, yes you can get over the fear. You can gain the weight and move on into normal life, or semi normal life, at any rate. And it's nice. I kinda remember that I only thought of food when I was either hungry or planning dinner. I was only hungry for short periods, because I'd eat when I felt hungry, and then I wasn't hungry anymore. It was like being on another planet!
So, how do those questions strike you? Any thoughts you want to share? (Besides the one that starts off, 'damn it, that Racer jumped in on it and made believe she's got something useful to add...')
This is the end of the thread.
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