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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 21:55:11
Through therapy I have come to realise that my mom is an extreme narcissist. Although I don't wish to focus on my childhood/family in my future therapy, I cannot feel that I have been so wounded by my background and family that perhaps there is no hope for me.
Although I am certain that people have gone through much worse, I cannot help but feel that most people around me are better prepared for life and developing sustaining friendships than I am. This worry of mine is further supported by the fact that I constantly lose friendships and have scored moderate-to-high for all personality disorders but one (on an online test).
My mother is completely oblivious to my feelings. Although she loves me, she sees everything in terms of herself and refuses to validate ANYTHING I feel, whether positive, negative, or in-between. She has always been this way. I can't help but feel that this has turned me into an incredibly screwed up person. Although I *think* I'm a good person, caring about others and do *try* to be nonjudgmental, the fact that it is so hard for me to have sucessful relationships seems evidence to the contrary.
I am scared that I am as narcissistic, judgmental, thick-skulled and just plain impossible as my mother!
My question is...where can I go from here? Where to start? I don't even know how to identify areas to change. My family has so skewed my perception of what is normal that I expect constant putdowns and invalidations. When I'm around laidback, normal people I feel completely tense and can't even relate. (Obviously, I am some sort of freak of my family's making, haha) Please help! I need advice because I don't even know where to begin. I want to be normal and laidback and easy to get along with but I don't even know where to begin.
Lastly, I am saddled with guilt for feeling this way about my family. My family has done much for me and I love them, but that doesn't change the fact that they have (and continue to) hurt me very much by refusing to acknowledge my feelings and treat me as the individual I am.
I'm sorry if I've rambled. Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by flipsactown on November 26, 2003, at 6:49:32
In reply to Wounded by family...is it hopeless?, posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 21:55:11
Continue with the therapy and consider medication. Often times, at least with me, therapy alone was not enough. It was after I was taking the A/D's that I realized it was depression that was making me feel down.
Be yourself and don't try being something that other people think you should be, including your family. Love yourself and don't be so harsh on yourself.
Hang tough.
Flipsactown
> Through therapy I have come to realise that my mom is an extreme narcissist. Although I don't wish to focus on my childhood/family in my future therapy, I cannot feel that I have been so wounded by my background and family that perhaps there is no hope for me.
>
> Although I am certain that people have gone through much worse, I cannot help but feel that most people around me are better prepared for life and developing sustaining friendships than I am. This worry of mine is further supported by the fact that I constantly lose friendships and have scored moderate-to-high for all personality disorders but one (on an online test).
>
> My mother is completely oblivious to my feelings. Although she loves me, she sees everything in terms of herself and refuses to validate ANYTHING I feel, whether positive, negative, or in-between. She has always been this way. I can't help but feel that this has turned me into an incredibly screwed up person. Although I *think* I'm a good person, caring about others and do *try* to be nonjudgmental, the fact that it is so hard for me to have sucessful relationships seems evidence to the contrary.
>
> I am scared that I am as narcissistic, judgmental, thick-skulled and just plain impossible as my mother!
>
> My question is...where can I go from here? Where to start? I don't even know how to identify areas to change. My family has so skewed my perception of what is normal that I expect constant putdowns and invalidations. When I'm around laidback, normal people I feel completely tense and can't even relate. (Obviously, I am some sort of freak of my family's making, haha) Please help! I need advice because I don't even know where to begin. I want to be normal and laidback and easy to get along with but I don't even know where to begin.
>
> Lastly, I am saddled with guilt for feeling this way about my family. My family has done much for me and I love them, but that doesn't change the fact that they have (and continue to) hurt me very much by refusing to acknowledge my feelings and treat me as the individual I am.
>
> I'm sorry if I've rambled. Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by femlite on November 26, 2003, at 15:16:18
In reply to Wounded by family...is it hopeless?, posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 21:55:11
Hi Shannon,
In my humble opinon, most of us are judgemental, self-centerd, thick skulled and working on it. Its the human condition
I dont mean to minimize your feelings, but now that Im 43 my mothers opinion of me means less to me now than ever, though I love her very much and probably more. Your mother was going to have SOME flaws or other. As you said, they could have been worse.
There is hope.
And in my experience, male female realtionships while sometimes exceedingly fulfilling always invlove two flawed people.
Your mother was going to have SOME flaws or other. As you said, they could have been worse.
There is hope.Forgive the cliche but it takes Ms. Perfect to Find Mr. Perfect. We can find help in medicine and through therapy and through spirituality. They all are gifts from God.
Posted by TexasChic on November 28, 2003, at 8:22:38
In reply to Wounded by family...is it hopeless?, posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 21:55:11
I really feel like I can relate to you. My mom is similar and I have the same worries that I'll become like her. The best thing I did (other than therapy) was make friends with a very laid back easy going person. I actually specifically sought out someone like that. It was weird at first for me to be in an environment where things were so easy and no one was critical or overly sensitive. She didn't care if I acted tense and nervous at first just hanging out. Eventually I learned how to relax and be myself, but it took probably about 5 years of hanging out with her and the friends I made through her. But now I can relax around other people too. Its kind of like reprogramming yourself. I've found who you surround yourself with can really make a big difference in your life. I hope this helps. Good luck!
Posted by katia on December 1, 2003, at 15:08:39
In reply to Wounded by family...is it hopeless?, posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 21:55:11
You're story is very familiar to lots, I"m sure. I've come to a place in my life where I'm no longer looking for validation from my mother. I've also come to a place where I have compassion for her and love, instead of anger and wishing she'd be different. She learned from her parents and so on. She only has done what she's known, if you know what I mean. This has taken years to get here, through therapy, the unveiling of cognition and underlying beliefs systems - basically the way I viewed the world and myself. It takes a lot of unraveling and you can do it, but you probably won't be "healed" by your mother. She is who she is and to go through anger AND THEN GUILT, is totally normal. There's lots of love there I'm assuming and it's confusing because you have to get through these feelings of anger while you work out and wake up from family legacies of narcissism. I don't know how old you are (I'm 33), but it feels like my generation is waking up from a lot of dysfunction. Therapy is quite common now. For me, what's been very helpful is to wake up to my own depression and my family's. Since addressing this and starting medications, it's helped tremendously in helping expedite therapy after years of walking through molasses.
anyway, just give it time, keep up with the therapy because it's in YOU where you'll ultimately get validation.
katia
Posted by KimberlyDi on December 2, 2003, at 16:42:16
In reply to Wounded by family...is it hopeless?, posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 21:55:11
You can love your family, and not have your life wrapped around them. Start a new path in life, and form your own judgements. If you don't like your mom's opinions, don't ask for them. If someone continuously disappoints you, stop repeating the same hopeless cycle. Stand alone and independent. You can become whatever you want.
It's hard to give up the traditional beliefs of what a mother should be and act like. I had to give up mine. My mother is not nuturing. She had an awful childhood, abused and living in poverty, dependent upon charity. And I'm sorry that she went through that. But she made my childhood, my whole life, Hell also. I keep my distance now, and live my life free of the fear of "What will mother think?".
What helped me was attending some co-dependency groups (CODA). A big part of CODA is learning to set boundaries in your life. To stop letting people walk all over me. I live my life by going through the ritual of asking myself "How would I feel if someone did that to me." The empathy thing. Putting myself in their shoes before taking action. Now I also ask myself "How do I feel after he/she treats me that way?" If I feel put down, hurt, or disappointed, especially if repeatedly, I make myself question why I have that person in my life. I deserve good, honest, and nice people in my life. You have to find and cultivate those types of friendships and/or relationships.
Sorry for rambling. I feel your pain.
Good luck
KDi in TX
Posted by Medusa on December 29, 2003, at 8:52:05
In reply to Wounded by family...is it hopeless?, posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 21:55:11
> My question is...where can I go from here? Where to start? I don't even know how to identify areas to change.
>Shannon, not sure if you're still around ... I have a couple of ideas for you. Let me know if you're interested.
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