![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 11:09:16
Alright, last night was pretty bad. I never did have a full panic attack, but I was on the verge of one from about 8PM till a little after Midnight. I wound up taking .5mg of Clonazepam at 8:30 to try and stop the panic attack, worked sort of. I was alright as long as I just surfed the Web in the dark and didn't have to deal with anybody. I tried to go to sleep about 12:30 after I had taken 50mg of Trazadone. I wouldn't say exactly that my anxiety acted up on this, but I would just lie there in bed having daydreams for another hour or so. It wasn't exactly racing thoughts because I wasn't really worried about anything, it didn't feel like I needed to do anything, my body was really relaxed, but my mind just wouldn't slow down.This morning I talked to my Doctor and she told me to stop taking the Trazadone at night and replace it instead with Clonazepam. Also, she told me to take 125mg of Depakote this morning and another 12 hours later. Do this till Sunday, and then as long as everything is going alright, increase my night time dose to 2 tabs of 125mg of Depakote. This will still be used with my 125mg of Depakote in the morning.
I don't like this for several reasons. First, I don't want to take Clonazepam as often as I have been, and I don't want to "need" to take it as often as I've needed to lately. But, I have a VERY hard time sleeping. My mind pretty much has told my body not to worry about it, sleeping isn't necessary. At the moment, if I have anything less than 6 hours a night I'm completely disoriented and have trouble doing pretty much anything the following day. Not to mention my body hurts like Hell and my eyes feel like they're melting into my skull. Therefore, at the moment, till I get stabilized, I need sleep at any costs even if it means taking Clonazepam every night.
Depakote scares me period. The whole deal with it working through my liver and having to watch my blood. I went and got a baseline taken before I started taking Depakote. After 2 weeks of treatment I went to an MD and got a huge set of tests done on my blood to make sure that everything was alright. The first baseline tests showed that I had a very high cholestrol count and there was waaaaay too much sugar in my system? I'll readily admit to drinking 3 cups of Coffee every morning and then for a while, I was drinking like maybe 6 Cokes a day. So that could possibly count for the high sugar content. For a while I was just dazing off so much that if I did have some caffeine in my system I could be alert for a while till it wore off. I really don't like feeling like a zombie. I used to be a very smart guy, like above average, and I do NOT want to lose that.
Also, the whole liver thingie... I can be a good guy for a little bit, but I mean, I can't just become a teatotaller when it comes to alcohol. I can probably last from now till around Christmas time fairly easily without a drink. But at Christmas a lot of old friends come back home to see their families and whatever old friends are still left around. This is really like almost a reunion of the people that I grew up with. I'll probably go out like 6-7 times with them while they're in Ottawa and I'll probably be drinking a little bit those nights. Also, Christmas time means family reunions. I'm half French-Canadian, half Irish... both sides of my family are VERY festive, if you get what I mean. At least one part of both sides of the family are definitely in the upper tax brackets and they provide a complete open bar. There's more alcohol in these houses during this time of the year than there is in most small clubs. I'll definitely be drinking here. The thing is, will it kill me? Do I have to worry about my liver that much? Does alcohol become lethal on this?
Oh, and to add to my stress today, my MD called me back and wanted me to book an appointment as soon as possible with him. I only had my blood tests done this past Monday. I mean, isn't that a little fast to want to see somebody after getting their blood work done? Wouldn't you expect an MD to be fairly busy? He wants me to see him tommorrow. I'm hoping that there isn't anything really to worry about. Does anybody know what the bad side effects are of having too high of cholestrol or too much sugar in your system?
K, now I finally get to be a little productive today. My father will be going out of town (Myrtle Beach golfing vacation) for 2 weeks. I need to learn how to do the payroll for the Barbershop/Beauty Salon that he owns. This is a fairly big business and he's the only person that knows how to use a computer well. While he's gone, I'm going to have to use Simply Accounting to help his partner on PayDay to provide the employees with their salaries. I guess I finally get to see how well my brain can function on the mediation I'm currently taking.
Posted by cab on November 7, 2002, at 12:09:42
In reply to November 7, Personal Update, posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 11:09:16
I can answer one of your questions: Having a high cholesterol has no immediate effects (i.e., you can't tell you have it), but it can lead to heart attacks and strokes, so it should be taken care of. There are some very good cholesterol-lowering drugs out that can take the level down quite a bit.
Posted by Krysti on November 7, 2002, at 13:26:41
In reply to November 7, Personal Update, posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 11:09:16
Hi Mr Cushing,
Question for you - you had said before that you were increasing the Effexor, just wondering why?
As far as the sleeping issue, have you ever tried a sleeping pill, like Ambien? That's what I take if I can't sleep, it knocks you out in like 10 minutes. Increasing the dosage of Depakote should help too.
As far as the liver stuff with Depakote, I didn't like that either. I would be curious to know with all the other mood stabilizers out there, why doctors would choose that one first. It did do a good job bringing me down from my manic state, but I'm glad I'm not taking it anymore and don't have to hassle with the blood tests and all. As far as drinking while on it, I didn't at first, but eventually I did. I'm still alive : )
I'm sure it's definitely not a good thing though, especially on your liver. It also highly increased the effect of the alcohol.I hope you are feeling better today.
Krysti
Posted by Krysti on November 7, 2002, at 13:56:53
In reply to November 7, Personal Update, posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 11:09:16
Just wondering if you read the post about getting off Clonazepam. Sounds like maybe that's why your panic was so bad last night(?) Didn't you say you just quit taking it after taking it every day for a couple of months?
Posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 14:54:22
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update, posted by Krysti on November 7, 2002, at 13:26:41
I was told that I should eventually increase the Effexor simply due to my size and my ummmmm, well, I have a high tolerance for most drugs once I get them into my system. Effexor does work very well with my anxiety if I play with it a little bit. Like before I started on Depakote, I first tried taking Effexor 75mg per day till I started to get that "high" feeling that we were talking about yesterday. So I decreased my dosage to 75mg every 36 hours, and honestly, that took me out of probably the worst manic episode that I've had in my life. Well, not just the Effexor, Effexor combined with a small amount of Clonazepam. Therefore, my Doctor suggests that I use an AD along with a mood stabilizer, and since she's mentioned that she wants to increase my mood stabilizer untill I reach that point where "I" feel good, that we should probably bump my Effexor up just a little bit too.I'm not sure if this is common in Bi-Polars, but my episodes tend to last a long time. For example, in the last few years I'd be VERY manic for about 4-5 days, and then I'll exhaust myself and slip into depression for a few days till I start to become manic again. However, the depression is never something major, it's just a completely exhausted state combined with a tiny bit of depression.
However, before this kicked in, like 3 years ago, I was going through an incredibly depressed state for close to 5 years. I don't remember too much about how I felt during this time, but I remember having some manic symptoms every once in a while but nothing too bad. The main thing back then was the depression.
I think my increased anxiety state last night was because of the Clonazepam withdrawal somewhat. I really think it has more to do with the fact that I was on such a low dose of Depakote and a higher dose of SSRIs (Trazadone, Effexor). All I know is that after I fell asleep last night, after taking 50mg of Trazadone and 1mg of Clonazepam to get rid of those "daydreams", I woke up feeling fine today. At first I thought it was going to be one of those days where I just feel like I'm speeding all day, but honestly, right now I feel like I'm at maybe 70% of where I'd like to be, like where my "even keel" should be. That's a big improvement from recent weeks and the only thing I really did differently today was take an extra 125mg of Depakote.
My head is working fine, I wound up doing the books for my Dad's business today and that went just fine. I taught his partner the basics to using Simply Accounting (this guy has never used a computer before today). I also wound up in a discussion with a manager that could possibly hire me on in the future once I feel like I'm ready to go back to work. The whole "not working" thing is basically my own choice combined with my Doctor's. At the moment, it seems that I can lose my "even keel" VERY easily, and since the type of working environment that I'd be getting into would be rather stressful, I should wait untill I have a higher confidence in my mood stabilization.
On the other hand, when I'm balanced, like I'm feeling right now, I'm a very intelligent person. That's one of my phases that I never really grew out of... I absolutely LOVE learning just about anything. I'm not somebody that's very good with his hands. I'm not a real "people person" because I've always had trouble relating to other people. However, just about anything to do with using your head, any thinking process, I can manage to pick up almost instantly.
Even while I've been out of school and out of work during the past 8 months I've managed to become a "Certified Production and Inventory Control Manager" through a series of rather difficult examinations which I used just to test where my head was at. Like I only had to study when I felt like I could study, and I picked when I felt like I was ready to write the exam. I've also pretty much devoured another bookcase full of novels and stuff since I believe that being able to read and practicing it enables you to think more clearly and learn new material more quickly.
So I want to be at 100% before I start working for somebody else. I don't want to have that feeling where I know I could have done something much better but I'm just not at that point in my recovery yet. I'd rather sit out and focus on getting to that point and then becoming a huge asset to whomever hires me. Besides, I also have the tendency to throw myself into everything at 150%. I don't like doing something if I know I can't do it right or at least give it EVERYTHING I've got. I'm that way about every little detail in my life which is probably why I'm even still breathing today.
Damn... K, I'm writing a novel, time to stop... I'll post again later
Mike
Posted by Krysti on November 7, 2002, at 16:24:13
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update » Krysti, posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 14:54:22
Hi Cush,
I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I think the Depakote will help you a lot. After 6 years of anxiety h**l, the Depakote totally took it away for me. Unbelievable. I had no idea a mood stabilizer alone would do that.
A lot of bipolars are overachievers, perfectionists, etc. I myself have always been also. Thought you might find this interesting if you haven't seen it yet. It's a list of famous bipolars:
http://www.frii.com/~parrot/living.html#bipolars
Most people are also very creative, are you? I'm really not, unless I'm manic : ) Actually, when I was younger I was I guess. I wrote a story for a Creative Writing class once when I was a sophomore and my teacher liked it so much she took it to a college where she was giving a lecture and read it to them. I wish I still had a copy of it, it would be interesting to read it now.
As far as the length of your episodes, it's not uncommon at all. I've heard of people being manic for years. When I became manic that one time, it lasted for a whole month and I was even on the Depakote (that was when I was first diagnosed) and it still took that long to come down. Different people go through different cycles. To tell you the truth, before then I have no idea what my cycles were. I didn't really pay that close attention to it, didn't realize I was actually going through "cycles".
I think it's great that you can wait till you get stable before starting work. Definitely a good choice. I really wish I could do that. It would be a lot easier if I had time to just focus on the meds for a while and not have to worry about getting up and going to work every day. I like my job too much though to give it up.
Have you read any books on bipolar? I just read "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Jamison. It was pretty interesting. She's a psychiatrist who has it.
I better go, but keep me posted on how you're doing. I won't be home tonight - I have bowling and tomorrow night I'm going to see Jerry Seinfeld. That should be fun! I'll be around tomorrow though and should be around on the weekend. I have to CLEAN! I have been SO unmotivated lately.
Talk to you later : )
Krysti
Posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 17:53:42
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update, posted by Krysti on November 7, 2002, at 16:24:13
Well, it's about 7:00PM now and I'm still feeling pretty stable. Much better than I've felt for like the past few months anyways. Just trying to warm up actually, decided that I really felt like going for a long walk (even though it's kind of cold out tonight) so just leashed the dogs and went for it.That list of famous bi-polars is pretty interesting... there's a lot of people on that list that kind of shocked me because just from their material I should have known that they were (ex. Francis Ford Coppola, DMX).
I'm not exactly creative, though I do have a WILD imagination. I'm not really into sports, not a musician, not an author (though I have absolutely aced every English class I've ever been in), I honestly just live a very interesting life. God... I've seen so many screwed up things in this life already that when I feel like telling soembody a story, they usually can't believe that it's the truth. Only at the present moment do I have any shelter. I guess my Dad finally decided, you know what? You've had a very tough life already, if you need this time out then go ahead and take it, things are good now... I'm starting to get hungry now though... need to do something big once I start reaching into the high 90's on that mental health scale I've provided for myself.
I haven't read any books on Bi-Polar as of yet, though I'll look up that book that you mentioned on Amazon.com. I'm due for a new shipment of books from them any day now anyways. Just about through reading the first three volumes of King's Dark Tower series.
And... tommorrow night you're going to see Seinfeld in that new movie? Or is he actually doing a stand up comedy routine in your area? God, I would LOVE to see him live.
Posted by polarbear206 on November 7, 2002, at 20:33:04
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update, posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 17:53:42
>
> Well, it's about 7:00PM now and I'm still feeling pretty stable. Much better than I've felt for like the past few months anyways. Just trying to warm up actually, decided that I really felt like going for a long walk (even though it's kind of cold out tonight) so just leashed the dogs and went for it.
>
> That list of famous bi-polars is pretty interesting... there's a lot of people on that list that kind of shocked me because just from their material I should have known that they were (ex. Francis Ford Coppola, DMX).
>
> I'm not exactly creative, though I do have a WILD imagination. I'm not really into sports, not a musician, not an author (though I have absolutely aced every English class I've ever been in), I honestly just live a very interesting life. God... I've seen so many screwed up things in this life already that when I feel like telling soembody a story, they usually can't believe that it's the truth. Only at the present moment do I have any shelter. I guess my Dad finally decided, you know what? You've had a very tough life already, if you need this time out then go ahead and take it, things are good now... I'm starting to get hungry now though... need to do something big once I start reaching into the high 90's on that mental health scale I've provided for myself.
>
> I haven't read any books on Bi-Polar as of yet, though I'll look up that book that you mentioned on Amazon.com. I'm due for a new shipment of books from them any day now anyways. Just about through reading the first three volumes of King's Dark Tower series.
>
> And... tommorrow night you're going to see Seinfeld in that new movie? Or is he actually doing a stand up comedy routine in your area? God, I would LOVE to see him live.
Mr. Cushing,You got to read this book. I might of mentioned this before to you or not.
"Why Your Depression Isn't Getting Better" By Dr. M. Bartos. It's about the epidemic of undiagnosed bipolar spectrum disorders.Laura.
Posted by Krysti on November 7, 2002, at 20:58:11
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update, posted by polarbear206 on November 7, 2002, at 20:33:04
Hey there,
Back from bowling - bad night. We only took one game!
Going for walks is always a good thing, it's supposed to help a lot. I can never seem to make myself do it though lately! I just want to lay around and read or watch TV or play on the computer : )
Yes, I'm going to see Jerry Seinfeld live, stand-up comedy. It should be fun. He's in Chicago. What state do you live in? I'm going with a friend from bowling - he couldn't find a date so he's taking me : ) There supposed to be really good seats too.
I'd be interested in hearing some of your stories. Sounds like you've led a very interesting life. Where did you live before your dad's?
I'll have to tell you sometime about the time I was 16 and my friend and I decided to take a train to California without telling anyone. That's about my most interesting story - it was VERY uncharacteristic of me. I've thought back on it and wondered if it had anything to do with being bipolar, but I don't think so. I didn't really have signs of being manic or anything. Although, I still can't believe we did that. What's the craziest thing you've ever done?
Well, I'm really glad you are feeling better. Being on a mood stabilizer really does help. Are you still going to take the Clonazepam? If you still have trouble falling asleep, look into Ambien. It knocks you out very quickly. I guarantee it. I was iffy about taking it at first because I didn't like the idea of relying on sleeping pills and was afraid I'd become addicted to it or something, but I haven't. I only take it when I need it and I haven't had any side effects or anything. You just have to make sure you go to bed right away after you take it. It only takes about 10 minutes to kick in. It's been a life saver for me, especially when I was manic. I wouldn't have ever gotten any sleep without it then.
Speaking of sleep, I have got to go to bed early tonight!
Krysti
Posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 22:05:18
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update, posted by Krysti on November 7, 2002, at 20:58:11
I really think Ambien or any other "sleeping pill" will be a VERY bad move for me. For one, in the past I've done and enjoyed pretty much every drug other than sticking a needle in my arm. Taking a drug that will knock me right out would be kind of cool. Plus, imagine what I could sell them for per pill to cokeheads if it's that powerful.See... not good for me, not even good to enter my head lol...
Clonazepam works well enough for me to help me sleep, it takes a while, but it's alright. Besides, if I only use it before bed and not to just knock me out cold, then it should stop the racing thoughts before bed.
What's the craziest thing I've ever done? I can't answer that one... there's simply too many. I think I might have said this before, but I was living with my Mom for like 2 years before she died. That was when I was 15. Her live-in bf, this stupid ape, took off on her and left just me and her, with her getting to sick to work and the Government not wanting to give us money for her medication. So, I went out and got the money... Use your imagination here to figure out how I came up with like $5,000 a week for 6 months when I was 15 and wasn't really eligible for a whole lot of jobs.
I don't know... I've seen people killed in front of me twice. Once was in a drive-by in front of a club where some friends of mine were opening up for Lords of the Underground (a hiphop group). Another time was when some junkie slit another junkies throat with a piece of broken glass in a place where I really shouldn't have been. That's pretty crazy.
The first time I smoked weed I was 11, the first time I saw a gun I was 13. I didn't slow down or really attend school till I was 19. I always stuck around one school for the year since I could easily make $500 a day through people there. Since I was there for the full year, I'd always wind up getting some joke credits with added up over the 7 years that I went to high school lol...
First time I held $100,000 in my hands, I was 18. God, I remember that, my Dad walking into the house and seeing me, 2 of my buddies, and my brother with money piled EVERYWHERE in the room.
I slowed down when I was 20 and went to College and stuff, eventually managed to get a very good education and distanced myself from that life. But, I did live it for a VERY long time. Most of my friends from back then are either dead, strung out on drugs (like the walking dead), or in jail. That's kind of why when some of my friends that made it out of the city come back like once or twice a year it's such a celebration.
I know I made some bad choices in my life, but I've also made a lot of good ones. I've had a number of people tell me so far that i've changed their lives, or sometimes saved their lives.
I'm broke now completely but I had fun while it lasted, and already, I've got 2 College Diplomas, I'm a CPIM, and I'm more than ready to make some legal money. That much in 24 years, not bad, huh?
Oh well, story time is over lol... I would LOVE to see Seinfeld live, like I said. I've seen just about every episode a few times at least.
Ummmm, I don't know, if I was thinking straight back then I'd probably be able to write down an amazing book right now or something cool. I have like 9 years of those memories in my head somewhere.
Posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 22:30:09
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update, posted by Krysti on November 7, 2002, at 20:58:11
lol, I hope that last reply didn't scare you away. Next time I'll tell you some of the good things I've been involved with. But you asked for crazy, and well, yeah, my life has been crazy. It's no wonder it's made me crazy (joke)...
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 8, 2002, at 3:03:55
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update, posted by Krysti on November 7, 2002, at 16:24:13
> I just read "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Jamison.
I'd just like to plug the new double double quotes feature:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon
But I don't mean to be pushy. Did you deliberately not use it to link to Amazon? If so, I'd be interested in why, over at PBA:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Krysti on November 8, 2002, at 7:58:50
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update, posted by Mr Cushing on November 7, 2002, at 22:05:18
Hi Mr Cushing,
No, you didn't scare me off : )
Yeah, sounds like the Ambien would be a VERY bad idea, lol.
It must have been tough being in that situation when you were 15 with no help. I can understand why you did the things you did. Must have been scary to see the things you have though. That's really great that you've been able to turn your life so completely around. So, what kind of job do you want to get when you feel better?
I'll let you know how Seinfeld was : )
Krysti
Posted by Mr Cushing on November 8, 2002, at 11:37:37
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update - Mr Cushing, posted by Krysti on November 8, 2002, at 7:58:50
Last night I once again had trouble shutting my mind off. Was just daydreaming till like 2am and wound up taking .75mg of Clonazepam before my mind completely slowed down so I could sleep. This morning I just felt really medicated. Actually, I still kind of do. *shrugs* Did you have that when you started on Depakote? What dosage did you get up to on Depakote before you stopped? I'm interested in what the average dosage is on this drug so I don't wind up bumping my dose up too high. My doctor pretty much lets me adjust myself to the medications, like I can take as much as I need till I feel good enough on it. If I don't like a particular medication then I can wean myself off of it and start on another drug of my choice. She knows me well enough to trust me enough to know what i'm doing. I'm still getting those blood tests done like every 2-3 weeks so that I'm sure that everything is kosher.Anyways, I'm qualified to work in the Materials Management/Logistics field and that's kind of what's really caught my interest in the past 2 years or so. I've got a few people that have offered me jobs already. For example, one is with a company that builds Semi-conductors. There I would pretty much be working in some area of managing the products that the company builds from the point where they leave the supplier's organization till the point where they reach the company's final customer. Another one is with the LCBO (liquor store) here in Ottawa. Same thing basically, managing the alcohol as it leaves the breweries and keeping track of it within the huge warehouse that they keep it in.
So let me know how that Seinfeld show goes. Man, I think he would be absolutely hilarious live. It would be cool to meet him too if you get the chance.
Do you think that maybe we should either start posting on the social board or exchanging emails or something? This board is mostly for medication related topics and we're starting to go waaaaay off course.
Anyways, need to go see my MD. Want to see how the blood tests that I did on Monday went.
Posted by Krysti on November 8, 2002, at 13:47:46
In reply to Re: November 7, Personal Update - Mr Cushing » Krysti, posted by Mr Cushing on November 8, 2002, at 11:37:37
Good point : ) I'll post my response to the social board.
This is the end of the thread.
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