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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cecilia on July 16, 2000, at 0:33:00
I am 50 years only and have been depressed since adolescense. I`ve tried virtually every medication there is to try, including the non-AD categories recommended by John L. (stimulants, mood stabilizers, Zyprexa). (Plus failed 7 years therapy.) My doctor says the only thing left to try is ECT, and he`s going to refer me to an ECT specialist, though I don`t know what I`ll do if the ECT specialist doen`t recommend it: I`ve always heard ECT doesn`t work well for atypical depression. Of course I`m terrified of ECT, but I`m willing to try it at this point. My main terror is not so much the ECT itself-most of my memories are lousy anyway and maybe I`ll be lucky enough to die painlessly under the anesthesia. My fear is, being off work, people finding out, especially my employer who will tell my supervisors who will tell my coworkers. I`ve
never told anyone about taking meds or therapy, though of course I know every one and his dog takes ADs these days, so it`s not such a big concern. I have so much shame about my depression, I know I "shouldn`t" but that doen`t make it go away. If I were one of these "normal" people who happen to have depression despite "a good life" maybe I wouldn`t have so much shame but the reality is that all the ECT in the world isn`t goingto change me from what I am, an ugly, friendless, unloved, unlovable, 50 year old woman. Okay, I know there are mass murderers who have less self-hate than I do, I`ve never committed a crime, I work, pay my taxes,recycle. But the self hate is overwhelming and I go back and forth wanting to die so bad and lining up my rows of pill bottles (Of course with all the meds I`ve failed I have masses, and like Harry with his guns I`ll NEVER get rid of them, NO ONE else has the right to say how much pain someone else can tolerate. But I lie in bed thinking I`m going to take them, I can`t stand the pain one more minute, and the terror and heart palpitations grow to the point where I think maybe I`ll luck out and just have a heart attack. I`m SO afraid, partly of the meds not working due to vomiting and endind up brain damaged and in a nursing home, but mainly of some horrible afterlife worse than this one. People say life is a gift, to me it`s a curse, I`m so terrified of another "gift" worse than this one. Plus, stupid as it sounds, I
feel totaly invaded imagining my sisters sorting through my things after I`m dead; I`m a very private person. Intellectually, I know with all the billions of souls in the world the idea of an afterworld. good or bad. or souls
hanging aroung listening to what people are saying about them is senseless, emotionally I can`t shake it.
I know those fears are early childhood fears but they feel like total reality. And none of us will know for sure until it`s too late. And when I`m overwhelmed with my "Want to die-terrified to die" panic the last thing I want to hear is those "tunnel of light near death experiences" it makes me feel either I`ll be booted out of the tunnel or worse overwhelmed with guilt for getting the loving tunnel when I don`t deserve it. I just want there to be NOTHING.
Sorry for rambling, I`m just in so much pain.
Posted by julesvox on July 16, 2000, at 9:05:12
In reply to Fear of Life and Terror of Death , posted by Cecilia on July 16, 2000, at 0:33:00
my heart goes out to you. when i was feeling as suicidal as it sounds you are feeling, for years, i read a book over and over again. it's called Waking Up, Alive : The Descent, the Suicide Attempt, and the Return to Life by Richard A. Heckler. (i think it's out of print so check a library first.) i know you may not have the attention span for reading right now but the stories in the book helped me through. i know what it's like to want to just stop.
i'm sure others will have more knowledge of ect than i, but my pdoc and i discussed it and he believes it's an appropriate treatment when no meds seem to work. i didn't do it but i trusted him when he said the procedure today is not like in the movies or the horror stories but relatively gentle. if you have the energy, ask if you can talk to someone who's had it.
as for the stigma of being hospitalized--i told my office i'd had a bad allergy attack. i don't think they believed me but i stuck to my story and no one confronted me. i gave them a letter from my pdoc on hospital stationery that didn't identify him as a psychiatrist. your health is your business and you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to.
Posted by tina on July 16, 2000, at 10:20:59
In reply to Re: Fear of Life and Terror of Death , posted by julesvox on July 16, 2000, at 9:05:12
I know just how you feel Cecilia. I am so sorry you are in such pain. I don't have a clue how to help you because I haven't come to terms with my own self-hate and guilt so I won't even try. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in how you feel and that I understand completely. I don't know how much help that is or if you even care at this point but please keep in touch. Sounds like we have a little in common.
Thanks for sharing your story
Hugs
Tina
Posted by CarolAnn on July 16, 2000, at 11:00:05
In reply to Fear of Life and Terror of Death , posted by Cecilia on July 16, 2000, at 0:52:06
Dear Cecilia,
I don't think it is possible to 'fail' therapy. If therapy did not help then it is the 'Therapist' who has failed, not you! Please believe me, I have been exactly where you are mentally. It took me three tries to find a therapist who could help, and yrs of therapy with her, as well as yrs of learning on my own by constantly reading about all my problems. And now, I still have times when the old feelings come back. I am still searching for the right medicine to help my depression and ADD.
I'm sorry things are so very hard for you right now, I wish there was something I could do to comfort you. Please consider trying therapy again, and keep trying until you feel that you are being helped. It really is not your fault if it doesn't work out. Different types of people need different types of therapists, you just have to find the right one for you. Remember, everyone here at psycho-babble has felt the way you do at some time, so we all know how awful it is and we all want you to feel better. If you come here often, you will see that we all care for each other. You cannot be ugly to us, we will be your friends, and we will love you, because you ARE loveable! CarolAnn
Posted by SadSuzie on July 16, 2000, at 13:54:55
In reply to Fear of Life and Terror of Death , posted by Cecilia on July 16, 2000, at 0:52:06
Cecilia,
My heart goes out to you. The self-hate is a part of this disease we suffer. Lying in bed, planning a "successful" suicide is quite familiar to me. I'm at a place right now where I try to avoid mirrors because I don't want to be reminded of how ugly I am. Though conversations with many objective observers, I realize (intellectually) that what I see when I look in the mirror is not what everyone else sees - but it doesn't make me "feel" it. I still see the ugliest woman in the world. Does that make sense?
The point I am trying to make is that you are in a lot of pain right now and that pain will color your perception of yourself and everything around you. Please don't give up. We are here to support you. I felt SO alone until I finally started communicating with the great people of this board and now I feel like I truly do have some friends for the first time in a very long time.
p.s. Don’t worry about the people at work. Make up a story and stick to it. If they don’t believe it -- it their problem.
> I am 50 years only and have been depressed since adolescense. I`ve tried virtually every medication there is to try, including the non-AD categories recommended by John L. (stimulants, mood stabilizers, Zyprexa). (Plus failed 7 years therapy.) My doctor says the only thing left to try is ECT, and he`s going to refer me to an ECT specialist, though I don`t know what I`ll do if the ECT specialist doen`t recommend it: I`ve always heard ECT doesn`t work well for atypical depression. Of course I`m terrified of ECT, but I`m willing to try it at this point. My main terror is not so much the ECT itself-most of my memories are lousy anyway and maybe I`ll be lucky enough to die painlessly under the anesthesia. My fear is, being off work, people finding out, especially my employer who will tell my supervisors who will tell my coworkers. I`ve
> never told anyone about taking meds or therapy, though of course I know every one and his dog takes ADs these days, so it`s not such a big concern. I have so much shame about my depression, I know I "shouldn`t" but that doen`t make it go away. If I were one of these "normal" people who happen to have depression despite "a good life" maybe I wouldn`t have so much shame but the reality is that all the ECT in the world isn`t goingto change me from what I am, an ugly, friendless, unloved, unlovable, 50 year old woman. Okay, I know there are mass murderers who have less self-hate than I do, I`ve never committed a crime, I work, pay my taxes,recycle. But the self hate is overwhelming and I go back and forth wanting to die so bad and lining up my rows of pill bottles (Of course with all the meds I`ve failed I have masses, and like Harry with his guns I`ll NEVER get rid of them, NO ONE else has the right to say how much pain someone else can tolerate. But I lie in bed thinking I`m going to take them, I can`t stand the pain one more minute, and the terror and heart palpitations grow to the point where I think maybe I`ll luck out and just have a heart attack. I`m SO afraid, partly of the meds not working due to vomiting and endind up brain damaged and in a nursing home, but mainly of some horrible afterlife worse than this one. People say life is a gift, to me it`s a curse, I`m so terrified of another "gift" worse than this one. Plus, stupid as it sounds, I
> feel totaly invaded imagining my sisters sorting through my things after I`m dead; I`m a very private person. Intellectually, I know with all the billions of souls in the world the idea of an afterworld. good or bad. or souls
> hanging aroung listening to what people are saying about them is senseless, emotionally I can`t shake it.
> I know those fears are early childhood fears but they feel like total reality. And none of us will know for sure until it`s too late. And when I`m overwhelmed with my "Want to die-terrified to die" panic the last thing I want to hear is those "tunnel of light near death experiences" it makes me feel either I`ll be booted out of the tunnel or worse overwhelmed with guilt for getting the loving tunnel when I don`t deserve it. I just want there to be NOTHING.
> Sorry for rambling, I`m just in so much pain.
>
>
Posted by Cecilia on July 16, 2000, at 16:30:28
In reply to Re: Fear of Life and Terror of Death , posted by julesvox on July 16, 2000, at 9:05:12
> my heart goes out to you. when i was feeling as suicidal as it sounds you are feeling, for years, i read a book over and over again. it's called Waking Up, Alive : The Descent, the Suicide Attempt, and the Return to Life by Richard A. Heckler. (i think it's out of print so check a library first.) i know you may not have the attention span for reading right now but the stories in the book helped me through. i know what it's like to want to just stop.
>
> i'm sure others will have more knowledge of ect than i, but my pdoc and i discussed it and he believes it's an appropriate treatment when no meds seem to work. i didn't do it but i trusted him when he said the procedure today is not like in the movies or the horror stories but relatively gentle. if you have the energy, ask if you can talk to someone who's had it.
>
> as for the stigma of being hospitalized--i told my office i'd had a bad allergy attack. i don't think they believed me but i stuck to my story and no one confronted me. i gave them a letter from my pdoc on hospital stationery that didn't identify him as a psychiatrist. your health is your business and you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to.I read that book. Waking Up, Alive a long time ago, but I can`t remember the details. There hasn`t been a day since I was 18 that I haven`t thought about suicide, though. I`m still here because I`m the world`s biggest coward. I feel so trapped in a pointless life and it makes me so angry because if there is nothing afterwards all that pain has been for absolutely nothing. And if there is something it`ll probably be even worse.
This is the end of the thread.
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