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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by NikkiT on April 5, 2000, at 11:58:43
OK.. Well, I honestly, very much believe, I do want to leave my husband. I am fed up of being put down, talked down to, being told how useless I am, and also - when trying to epxlain how I feel, being told I have nothing to be depressed about.
The thing is, I don't know how to do it. We've only been married 4 1/2 months, and I know I'm going to get alot of hassle for doing it, lose alot of people close to me because of it, lose my home and bed.
I feel stuck between two awful things, neither of which I can face fully. But then I'm worried that it's the depression and everything making me feel like this, and I should stick it out.
Does anyone else want a magic fairy to come and wave a magic wand.. That seems the only way out of this right now. I so, so desperately want to be happy, but my husband says "like it or lump it"... Will I ever feel happy again??
Posted by FP on April 5, 2000, at 12:46:39
In reply to The husband thing again..., posted by NikkiT on April 5, 2000, at 11:58:43
Yes, it sounds like you SHOULD leave your husband. He's a royal, grade A bastard, alright.
And he's got you feeling so down on yourself, you can't figure a way out of the situation.
But their IS someone who can "wave a magic wand," sort of. A divorce lawyer. A talk with a good divorce lawyer will help you figure out how to leave the creep, one step at at time. They are used to dealing with all the issues of "where do I go", "what will I live on", etc. A lot of what they do (and what your husband will wind up paying for, not you) is provide support - they know they are dealing extremely vulnerable, emotionally fragile people.
Talking with a supportive person who can help you do what needs to be done, in person, will probably make you feel strong enough to take the next step. And the next.
No one should be put down, disrespected, or just plain treated rudely. Period.
You've only been married 4 1/2 months; what if you get pregnant? Would you want a child growing up in your environment?
Go ahead. Pick up the phone book. Make the call that can change your life. (Sorry to sound like a TV commercial).
I'll be praying for you - FP
Posted by FP on April 5, 2000, at 13:35:14
In reply to The husband thing again..., posted by NikkiT on April 5, 2000, at 11:58:43
NikkiT:
I guess our posts crossed in the mail: you on "Why so many medications?", and me on your "Husband Thing".
I'm sorry. I feel I've insulted you. After hearing your story, you are the LAST person I would accuse of thinking that "if I find the right pill, I'll be fine".
I'm also afraid I came off like a real "Know it all" in my advice to you; I didn't realize that you lived outside the US, and divorce may be a whole 'nother story. Next time I will scan the archives when a new thread has "RE:" or "again" in the title - I promise.
Take care of yourself - you're worth it.
FP
Posted by Greg on April 5, 2000, at 14:08:16
In reply to The husband thing again..., posted by NikkiT on April 5, 2000, at 11:58:43
Nikki,
Don't mean to be intrusive, but it sounds like your husband needs BADLY to be educated. Some of we males have a tendancy to be insensitive to the needs of others (sorry guys....). I was raised in a female dominated family, and learned not only to respect the needs women, but people as a whole. Your number one responsibility is to yourself first. You have to take care of you before you can take care of others. If your husband doesn't understand that, that's too damn bad! I hope you do whatever is right for you, and only you can make that decision. We all care about you out here, and will be here for support if you need us. Remember, you are your own "Magic Fairy", start waving that wand!BIG Hugs,
Greg> OK.. Well, I honestly, very much believe, I do want to leave my husband. I am fed up of being put down, talked down to, being told how useless I am, and also - when trying to epxlain how I feel, being told I have nothing to be depressed about.
>
> The thing is, I don't know how to do it. We've only been married 4 1/2 months, and I know I'm going to get alot of hassle for doing it, lose alot of people close to me because of it, lose my home and bed.
>
> I feel stuck between two awful things, neither of which I can face fully. But then I'm worried that it's the depression and everything making me feel like this, and I should stick it out.
>
> Does anyone else want a magic fairy to come and wave a magic wand.. That seems the only way out of this right now. I so, so desperately want to be happy, but my husband says "like it or lump it"... Will I ever feel happy again??
Posted by bob on April 5, 2000, at 16:34:10
In reply to Re: The husband thing again..., posted by Greg on April 5, 2000, at 14:08:16
I tell you what, Nikki ... if that's his attitude, I got a pair of steel-toed boots that'll lump it just fine for him.
Forget about the time you've been married. There's no "good" time to get divorced, in the sense of how long you've been married. What good is it to get a divorce after 30 years? Does doing that make you stupid for staying in a relationship that long?
My best friend dated his first wife for several years before they tied the knot ... and that changed EVERYTHING about her personality. All of a sudden, she wanted him to be just like her daddy -- something she had shown absolutely no sign of before the big day. My friend tried his damnedest to do so and drove himself miserable in the process. They divorced after six months.
Several months too late, if you ask me.
Yeah, it would be nice if Greg and me and a few others of "the boys" around here in Babbleland could help re-educate this guy -- you've obviously had something good going for the two of you at sometime, and it is a shame to leave that behind.
But what he's doing is abuse, pure and simple. People don't have to hit you to hurt you. If he can't see that he's hurting you, then he's more messed up than you can possibly imagine yourself to be, and you don't deserve that kind of treatment.
best wishes,
bob
Posted by NikkiT on April 6, 2000, at 5:26:08
In reply to The husband thing again..., posted by NikkiT on April 5, 2000, at 11:58:43
Thanks.. it's nice to think I'm not just going mad... bad word actually!
Anyway, I do still love him, and at times (like that last thing at night when he hugs me) everything is fine.. It's simply the other 90% of the time I find so hard to cope with. basically, I think I married my father (if that amkes sense). I was incredibly close to my Dad, but he was an emotional bully, and I started dating my husband durung the last weeks of my Dads life (he was terminally ill with cancer). So many people mention how similar my Husband is to my dad, so I guess thats what I did.
I know he needs to "get educated", but I'm my wits end as to how to get him to understand, and maybe leaving him will be the only way to make it hit home.
In the short term, I am going away for the weekend with a very close girl friend, in the hope that a weekend, away form everything, in a hotel, might help me decide what to do.
Thanks for all the support... It really is wonderful to know theres people I can wibble at when I am at my wits end...
N xx
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 8, 2000, at 12:51:47
In reply to The husband thing again..., posted by NikkiT on April 5, 2000, at 11:58:43
> I feel stuck between two awful things, neither of which I can face fully. But then I'm worried that it's the depression and everything making me feel like this, and I should stick it out.
First, there may in fact be an intermediate position, for example, trying to work on your relationship with the help of a counselor of some sort.
Second, it's very true that being depressed can make things seem more hopeless than they really are and make it not the best time to make big decisions. Take care,
Bob
This is the end of the thread.
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