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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 34. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Mountain Man on July 18, 2005, at 9:25:58
Hi,
I am a 34 year old M who has had a really crappy year. Here's my story:I was (somewhat) happily married for almost 7 years, when I met a woman (whom I worked with). My marriage had been on the rocks for about 6 months prior to meeting her. We hit it off right away. Over the next few weeks, we never dated or "did" anything. However, I did move out of my home and divorce paperwork was filed.
Shortly there after, we (the new girl) began to date. It was exciting. Fun, and I felt renewed. Things moved very quickly between us (too quickly). We married in February of this year.
I maintained a relationship with my ex-wife. I couldn't turn my back on her, although I was the one that moved on. This relationship became too difficult for my new wife to deal with, and I found myself tring to "hide" it from her.
Now, I think it's important to note that there was no feelings involved in the relationship with my ex. Not romantically anyway. Of course, I will always care about her and want her to be happy. We have two children together. But, the reason I hid it from my new wife was because I knew how much it bothered her.
Nonetheless, this always came back around and caused arguments. She would accuse me of still being in love with her, etc.
The Saturday before the 4th of July, we had a big argument, and I left (I had my children for the weekend). The next day I went back and moved out all of my things. Not the first time I had done this mind you.
After two days, I felt more level headed, so I called to talk to her. She tells me that she filed for divorce that day. I was (and still am) devistated.
Another important note is that I suffer from GAD, and have been on Paxil for almost 6 years. I switched to Effexor XR on the 8th of July, I the Paxil wasn't offering me anything in the way of relief from the GAD.
Please, any thoughts, comments, ideas, etc. are very welcome. There is much more to this story, but those are the major events.
Posted by crazy teresa on July 18, 2005, at 11:07:44
In reply to New to forum...need it in a BAD way, posted by Mountain Man on July 18, 2005, at 9:25:58
Posted by Mountain Man on July 18, 2005, at 11:13:26
In reply to Do you want honesty? (nm) » Mountain Man, posted by crazy teresa on July 18, 2005, at 11:07:44
Yep. I am ridden with anxiety. I feel like I have hit bottom, and at this point, nothing but honesty will help.
Posted by crazy teresa on July 18, 2005, at 17:10:30
In reply to New to forum...need it in a BAD way, posted by Mountain Man on July 18, 2005, at 9:25:58
Why would one leave 7 years of marriage after only 6 mos. of bad? Especially when you have children? I'm thinking it was because of the other woman. And because you left your wife for her, she's unsure whether she can trust you or not. Apparently she can't, because you were going behind her back to see your 1st wife. (Doesn't matter if you were having feelings or not, you were being dishonest.) Stuff like that isn't about her (#2)--it's about you getting your way. Now that you're busted, you don't know what to do.
Are you in therapy? If not, it could help your relationships to learn things about yourself, such as why do you pack up all your stuff and leave when there's conflict? Are you running away or being manipulative? Why was the conflict not able to be resolved with wife #1? Why do you think being dishonest with your wife is ok? Why did you allow yourself to become so attracted to #2 to begin with? Was it just the high from romantic love? What needs did you have that your first wife wasn't fulfilling that you thought #2 would? Why did it move so fast with #2?
Maybe if you begin to get some of these questions answered for yourself, then you can figure out how best to deal with the women in your life. Therapists are great for that. There are also tons of books that could help. My favorite is "Changes That Heal". Being at Babble is a good thing, too.
I apologize if I'm way off the mark. I'm pulling off my own experiences here.
I'm very sorry that you're hurting. I hope things start looking up for you very soon.
t
Posted by carolina on July 18, 2005, at 18:34:11
In reply to New to forum...need it in a BAD way, posted by Mountain Man on July 18, 2005, at 9:25:58
hey- i think that crazy teresa pretty much summed up what i was thinking RE: the relationship issue. as far as the GAD goes, effexor worked for me along w/ clonazepam.i truly hope all works out for you.it's time to work on being 110% responsible for your actions mainly b/c u have children and they need u.-take care Carolina
Posted by Mountain Man on July 19, 2005, at 10:21:22
In reply to Re: New to forum...need it in a BAD way » Mountain Man, posted by crazy teresa on July 18, 2005, at 17:10:30
CT,
I read your reply, and it hit me pretty hard. I think you are on to what I am starting to realize.Honestly, I think I was "making up" reasons to leave my first marriage. The "new" found interest was a romantic high. She is a beautiful girl, and was something different. Believe me when I tell you that it is hard for me to admit I made a mistake.
Now that I've made that mistake, I am feeling a surge of emotion. On the surface, it seems to be mainly heartache over the failed relationship with the latest (and soon to be ex) wife. In reality, my guilt over leaving my last marriage and not putting my kids first is what is wearing on me.
I am starting therapy this coming Thursday. There are times when I feel so hopeless, and despirate...afraid of being alone. Other times, I feel calm and at piece with myself (although those times are way outnumbered by the feelings of anxiety and depression.
Why can't I realize that I have issues to work on, rather than trying to win back the love of my latest relationship????!!!
Posted by CAROLINA on July 19, 2005, at 14:17:46
In reply to Re: New to forum...need it in a BAD way, posted by Mountain Man on July 19, 2005, at 10:21:22
dearest mm, u have taken the 1st and hardest step by realizing and admitting to your problem. im a 28 year old female that is the same way in re: to relationships and it took me many years in counseling to realize that i have low self esteem(many think that b/c im considered pretty that i could not possibly have low s esteem..WRONG..) we all do things for many reasons that we may not always realize or admit to ourselves and have regrets later. all u can do right now is focus on getting to the issues affecting u so that u will be able to be the best parent possible and be truly happy. counseling is the best route in my opinion and something i try 2 remember each time i screw up(which is quite a bit..LOL)-a mistake is only a mistake if u do not learn from it....take care-Carolina
Posted by Mountain Man on July 19, 2005, at 16:12:14
In reply to Re: New to forum...need it in a BAD way, posted by CAROLINA on July 19, 2005, at 14:17:46
Carolina,
Thank you for your thoughts. I am a successful person in the business world, but in my personal life...I look like a duck.You know how on the surface of the water, a duck appears to glide effortlessly? Then underneath, it's little legs are kicking as if he were going to drown...That's me right now.
Posted by CAROLINA on July 19, 2005, at 16:16:53
In reply to Re: New to forum...need it in a BAD way, posted by Mountain Man on July 19, 2005, at 16:12:14
i know the feeling...some days i fight just to keep my head above water but i refuse to quit. best wishes and i hope all goes well. just dont give up and know that there are people here that care-even if they dont "know" u persay-Carolina
Posted by crazy teresa on July 19, 2005, at 20:14:17
In reply to Re: New to forum...need it in a BAD way, posted by Mountain Man on July 19, 2005, at 10:21:22
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. But things will never change or get better unless you get to the bottom of the real problems. I hope you don't feel like I was judging you, that was not my intent. I was glad to see you had replied to my post, but afraid to look at it! ;~}
I'm so glad you're seeing a T this week. I'm proud of you for taking this big step! You should be proud of yourself, too!!!
Since things moved so fast with your 2nd marriage, you never had a chance to grieve the loss of your first marriage; so I would agree with what you said about your emotions.
Have you talked to your wife since you left? Do you think she'd be willing to go to counseling with you? Maybe it would be a good idea to ask your T if couples' T would be good right now, if
your wife agrees to go with you.I hope this situation hasn't made work awkward for you.
It seems like everything in life is kind of a roller coaster--marriage, work, feelings, money, etc. It goes up and down, over and over again; sometimes we throw up all over each other. It can be a slow climb back to the top, but eventually we get there and fling our arms back up into the air. (LOL!! I think I'm morphing into Jack Handey...)
crazy t
Posted by Damos on July 20, 2005, at 17:09:10
In reply to Re: Do you want honesty?, posted by Mountain Man on July 18, 2005, at 11:13:26
Good onya mate. You've done three big things here: 1) Being honest with yourself about what has happened 2) Accepting that there may be deeper issues that need sorting & 3) Getting help.
Don't underestimate how big this is.
Posted by crazy teresa on July 21, 2005, at 21:10:07
In reply to Re: Do you want honesty? » Mountain Man, posted by Damos on July 20, 2005, at 17:09:10
Posted by CAROLINA on July 21, 2005, at 21:54:06
In reply to Re: Do you want honesty? » Mountain Man, posted by Damos on July 20, 2005, at 17:09:10
Posted by crazy teresa on July 23, 2005, at 16:45:34
In reply to WE ARE HERE!!!! DON'T 4GET THAT (nm), posted by CAROLINA on July 21, 2005, at 21:54:06
Can you turn Mountain Man's babblemail on for one tiny email? PUL-EEEEESE? Or can you email him and ask if he's ok?
teresa
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 24, 2005, at 10:23:38
In reply to Hey Dr. Bob!, posted by crazy teresa on July 23, 2005, at 16:45:34
Posted by Mountain Man on July 27, 2005, at 11:23:09
In reply to How'd it go Mountain Man??? R U here? (nm), posted by crazy teresa on July 21, 2005, at 21:10:07
Well, I saw my Therapist last Thursday and things seemed to be a little better.
I've been on the Effexor XR (75mg) for a little over three weeks, so that may be helping some too.
I will continue to see my therapist weekly until I feel some sense of resolution to my issues (which could take a looooong time).
I think things are over with the last wife. Although she has her emotional days that it seems she wants/misses me...I know there is too much to be worked on (for me) that stands in the way. So, I try to let all of that disappear from my mind.
Work is tough sometimes, but I manage. I hope that I feel like I made as much progress three weeks from now as I have over the last three.
Thank you all for the support. I will continue to lean on you.
MM
Posted by Carolina on July 27, 2005, at 11:40:58
In reply to Sorry...It's been a tough week., posted by Mountain Man on July 27, 2005, at 11:23:09
MM-glad u let us know how u are doing. it's always the 1st steps that are the hardest to take but you'll get there! i'm glad ur 1st priority is to work on urself. does ur wife know that u are in therapy? and if so, what is her reaction? i ask b/c crazy t made a good point RE: marriage counseling? that would be WHEN and IF YOUR ready and want that. take care of u-carolina
Posted by Mountain Man on July 27, 2005, at 12:25:36
In reply to Re: Sorry...It's been a tough week., posted by Carolina on July 27, 2005, at 11:40:58
Carolina,
She does know...and she goes through her emotional times as well. Although, she tries to stay "strong"...which is another way of saying "cold".The further I get away from the situation, the more uncertain I become as to whether or not I even want to reconcile with her.
I asked about a week ago if she would go to therapy with me...she said "no". I asked why, and she said "because I don't want to".
Posted by Carolina on July 27, 2005, at 12:49:13
In reply to Re: Sorry...It's been a tough week., posted by Mountain Man on July 27, 2005, at 12:25:36
MM-
het again! u should be really proud of how far u have come in a matter of weeks! u cannot make ur wife do anything and it seems u know that and are questioning if u even want 2 work things out. WOW-it seems u've really done some soul searching. it is never as easy as it seems when a relationship ends but u r going in the right direction." Next time you feel the door to happiness has closed before you, REMEMBER it has only done that in order that another door to other happiness can open". that kinda reminded me of u and what ur going through. it's in a pretty cool book some1 gave me. i believe in u and that w/ cont. therapy u will figure things out that will change ur life 4 the better.please don't hesitate to babble me ANYTIME and please try and keep in touch so we don't worry.-carolina
Posted by Mountain Man on July 27, 2005, at 13:06:27
In reply to Re: Sorry...It's been a tough week., posted by Carolina on July 27, 2005, at 12:49:13
Too bad I dan't keep you in my pocket.
:)
Posted by Carolina on July 27, 2005, at 13:40:20
In reply to Re: Sorry...It's been a tough week., posted by Mountain Man on July 27, 2005, at 13:06:27
Posted by Mountain Man on July 27, 2005, at 16:05:37
In reply to u can keep me close 2 ur heart though!!!! (nm), posted by Carolina on July 27, 2005, at 13:40:20
How do I turn my babble mail feature?
Posted by Carolina on July 28, 2005, at 2:36:57
In reply to Re: u can keep me close 2 ur heart though!!!!, posted by Mountain Man on July 27, 2005, at 16:05:37
i am so exausted i can't think straight enough 2 remember-i know its somewhere under administration...i'll look and get back soon :-D
Posted by Carolina on July 29, 2005, at 0:00:37
In reply to how 2 turn on babble, posted by Carolina on July 28, 2005, at 2:36:57
hey MM-i know u can look where u register 2 find out xactly how 2 babble but if i'm not mistaken, try to click on the name of the poster and see if it sends u 2 babblebuddy central-j/k...IF that's rt.(not very confident it is)it will say babblemail and u can send ur email. either way let me know how u are ok?-carolina :-D
Posted by Mountain Man on July 29, 2005, at 11:22:59
In reply to Re: how 2 turn on babble/?????????, posted by Carolina on July 29, 2005, at 0:00:37
Carolina,
I am trying to get you my personal email addy as that may be easier...trying to figure out a way to do it without posting in public...any thoughts?
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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