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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 46. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by saw on November 5, 2004, at 0:38:18
because of the way I look and feel about my body. He is being so patient and I believe that he understands but I cannot bring myself to let him touch me the way that he used to. I physically cringe when he runs his hands over a fat roll. I flinch and pull away all the time. He is using humour to cope with it but I am hurting. I miss him physically, so very much, but my body is revolting and I am so ashamed.
How much more of me and this behaviour can he put up with? All I ever wanted was to make him proud of me. Now he has a baby whale to call his wife.
Sabrina crying tears of blubber
Posted by AdaGrace on November 5, 2004, at 6:44:56
In reply to I'm physically shutting out my husband, posted by saw on November 5, 2004, at 0:38:18
Let me tell you something my husband and someone else told me. "I love you for who you are, not what you look like" It is very hard to believe, trust me I know. When you are of the belief that your physical appearance is what that counts in physical love, then it is very hard to believe that anyone can find you physically attractive. I understand this. BUT..... I do feel that the average person is not a model, a porn star, or a pin up girl. We are women, human and we are loved by men who do not appear to care that we have fat rolls, stretch marks, sagging flesh or any of those other things that make us cringe when they touch us. It's hard, I know to let go of the image we have of ourselves. But we have to try. We have to let go of that societal idea that women have to be perfect. Beautiful is in the eye of the beholder. Sexy is how you feel, not how you look.
Okay, I'm off my soap box. Did I mention I ate chocolate last night to substitute for the booze I was out of?
((((((((Sabrina)))))))
You are beautiful, and you will feel this again.
Posted by ron1953 on November 5, 2004, at 8:31:49
In reply to I'm physically shutting out my husband, posted by saw on November 5, 2004, at 0:38:18
Sabrina:
Perhaps a man's point of view may be helpful. Please don't allow your weight to get in the way of your relationship with your husband. I'm in 100% agreement with AdaGrace's comments. When my ex passed 40, she started to put on weight. It did not diminish my desire for her. Our lovemaking continued to be satisfying and marriage-nurturing.
You both need the closeness and security of the marital bed. Please don't give it up.
One more thing - we're divorced but her weight had nothing to do with it.
Ron
Posted by sunny10 on November 5, 2004, at 10:41:19
In reply to Re: I'm physically shutting out my husband, posted by ron1953 on November 5, 2004, at 8:31:49
My suggestion would be to ask him to tell you what he finds to be the most attractive things about you.
First, most of them will probably have nothing to do with your looks.
Second, if they do have to do with your looks, he will probably tell you how much happier he is to be able to actually grab a handful of you.I took my own advice above when I gained 16 pounds in the last four months ! (Thanks, Efexxor XR- NOT) I was hiding in my nightgown, burrowing under the covers, too, until my hormones started rearing their heads and I realized that I had to address this.
Of course, I am not strong- I was crying and wailing into his chest when I told him I was "so ugly now"-- it was hard. But I was so relieved when he just laughed and asked me was I kidding, and did I want proof that I wasn't ugly???!!!
I still mention my fat butt in a negative manner and he just grabs it and makes little yummy growling sounds.
(Actually, print out my story and see what your husband does, if you want ! Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...They always rise to competition; he'll want to "better" my SO !)
-sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2004, at 21:13:45
In reply to Re: I'm physically shutting out my husband, posted by sunny10 on November 5, 2004, at 10:41:19
Reading your post made me realize how much sisters we are under the skin. My body's disgusting to me too. And my ex wanted it all the time (it seemed like all the time anyway). I remember when I really used to like my body, pretty much more than less anyway. I try sometimes to get that "me" back, and sometimes I do get glimpses if I try hard enough. Changing tack.. geez, girl, do you ever go to the public pool? The types of bodies I see there are incredible. We're all the same, but so different!!! And I have to admit I have some very anxious moments in places like that. THere's no way I have anywhere NEAR the body I really want. I shy away from mirrors. But, sometimes, when I'm feeling *good* (heh) then I can look in the mirror and make my body look and move in ways I really like. So, it's a matter of me inhabiting my body and the way I do it. Whoever said, "It's not the corpse, it's how you animate the corpse" or some such thing was Correct.
Posted by JenStar on November 6, 2004, at 14:45:42
In reply to I'm physically shutting out my husband, posted by saw on November 5, 2004, at 0:38:18
hi Sabrina,
don't be sad about your weight! YOu're a lovely person and your husband loves you for YOU.I also often worry about the fact that I'm not a skinny Brittany Spears / Kate Moss / Jessica Simpson /etc. clone (ha) and hate the fact that I'm fatter than I want to be. But my husband says that I'm beautiful and that he loves me the way I am, and I think he really does mean it.
When I think about the opposite, I can see how it's true: I really love HIM and wouldn't want any other despite the fact that he had a belly, love handles, less-than-6-pack-abs, etc. I still love him and need him and would never trade him for one of those beefcake model guys, even if they came knocking on my door with sheafs of roses and chocolates and songs.
You're possibly projecting your own feelings of self-dissatisfaction onto your husband (I think all of us normal women do this at least sometimes!), which isn't fair and isn't necessary -- he DOES love you and DOES think you're pretty. YOU may not, but HE does. :)
And I'm sure he still loves having sex with you, which is more about the motion & the feeling and all that, and not so much about how many inches circumference your tummy is. If you're gifted in bed, you can use those gifts in very nice ways regardless of whether you weigh 150 or 350!
Anyway, take comfort, if you can, in the fact that lots of us women out here are hanging onto at least a few extra lbs that we don't want...and our hubbies still love us...just like yours loves you. :)
take care!
JenStar
Posted by SLS on November 7, 2004, at 6:55:50
In reply to I'm physically shutting out my husband, posted by saw on November 5, 2004, at 0:38:18
> because of the way I look and feel about my body. He is being so patient and I believe that he understands but I cannot bring myself to let him touch me the way that he used to. I physically cringe when he runs his hands over a fat roll. I flinch and pull away all the time. He is using humour to cope with it but I am hurting. I miss him physically, so very much, but my body is revolting and I am so ashamed.
>
> How much more of me and this behaviour can he put up with? All I ever wanted was to make him proud of me. Now he has a baby whale to call his wife.
>
> Sabrina crying tears of blubber
Perfect love is to love the imperfect.Men are capable of this.
- Scott
Posted by AdaGrace on November 7, 2004, at 18:20:19
In reply to I'm physically shutting out my husband, posted by saw on November 5, 2004, at 0:38:18
Things tend to flatten out that way, except other things do not look so good flattened out or laying under your arms.
I'm not laughing at you, I am laughing with you.....you are laughing aren't you? Are you?
Okay, seriously Sabrina, you cannot, cannot let this thing with the weight get you down. You have someone so incredibly in love with you, and if he says he loves you, then he loves you. YOU, not what you look like. I find that if I stop getting on the scales and stop trying to get everything a certain size I feel better about me. Some of my clothes make me look atrocious and some do not. Black is nice. Oh so nice on the figure. Some jeans fit better than others. Some shirts fit better than others, the size isn't the issue. And deary, have you seen the new trend in clothes on teens lately? Apparently they don't care if their tummy role sticks out, trust me I have seem aplenty.
I hope you are doing good, and thinking nice things, and above all, being nice to yourself.
Thinking of you,
AdaGrace
Posted by Susan47 on November 7, 2004, at 22:02:49
In reply to Re: I'm physically shutting out my husband » saw, posted by SLS on November 7, 2004, at 6:55:50
So beautiful.
Posted by Susan47 on November 7, 2004, at 22:06:09
In reply to Re: I'm physically shutting out my husband » saw, posted by JenStar on November 6, 2004, at 14:45:42
JenStar said something in her post that I've been coming back to over and over again, that physical love is more about the motion and the feeling (than how we look). It feels really true, and I think it was a really wise observation ... if I've misinterpreted you, JenStar, forgive me ...
Posted by saw on November 8, 2004, at 0:15:12
In reply to Re: I'm physically shutting out my husband:Saw, posted by Susan47 on November 7, 2004, at 22:06:09
Thank you everyone for your kind words, all of which I know are true (and I know they are true) but that I am finding so very difficult to put into practice. I guess I am really feeling hurt about the whole deal because I have not changed any habits, in fact, bettered them.
I had two social engagements with my husband this weekend and almost did not go to either because of they I felt I looked. My husband was so understanding. I went and I behaved (I didn't even drink much) Everytime I try and look at myself from my husband's eyes, I still see what I am seeing. I don't know where or how to start working on this problem. I am grateful that he loves me, and tells me that. Even if he has stopped telling me I am beautiful. (Probably because I can't accept the compliment anymore.)
Anyway, with all that said, my poor stomach is so sore from punching it this weekend. I think I damaged some internal organs. My husband just gave me a sardonic look and said "did it help?". Ugh, he's too smart.
Thanks again for all your kind, supportive and thoughtful words. I appreciate it so much.
Sabrina
(Susan - have missed you! Welcome back)
Posted by saw on November 8, 2004, at 0:17:49
In reply to Re: Laying flat usually helps me feel better, posted by AdaGrace on November 7, 2004, at 18:20:19
Hmmm. What used to be flat lying down is now a spongy rounded beachy bally thing that prevents me seeing nether regions or toes!
Oh yes, and I have appendages under my arm pits too.
Thanks AdaGrace. I didn't laugh, but I smiled, because I know your humour so like my own. A smile was ok, wasn't it?
S
Posted by AdaGrace on November 8, 2004, at 6:51:01
In reply to Re: Laying flat usually helps me feel better » AdaGrace, posted by saw on November 8, 2004, at 0:17:49
I didn't say my stomach was flat and tight and toned while lying down......just flatter.......
Much better than flopping in the wind while doing ahem.....other positons........
Spongy.....I got spongy....I've got stretch marks that would scare any plastic surgeon.....and now I can see my feet.......but I have to lift my stomach up to see my.........tubal ligation scar......how's that. I have a belly button, just haven't seen it in years......and.....now in order to find it......folds of skin must be moved. My mother used to call it her apron. I call mine vile disgusting excess flab that I wish I could cut off.
Now having said that......back fat.....I have back fat for goodness sake.
and batwings for arms. I have muscles now from work, but when I tense them like a body builder all I have to do is flap my winds and I could take off into the clear blue yonder I swear.
Okay, now......how was your weekend?
Mine stunk........hate Sundays.......hate being left alone to think. Can't stop thinking. I hate that.
Missed you,
AdaGrace
Posted by Susan47 on November 8, 2004, at 12:18:05
In reply to Re: Laying flat usually helps me feel better » saw, posted by AdaGrace on November 8, 2004, at 6:51:01
I missed you too.
Quit punching yourself you silly girl. Get a girdle, I know they still exist. Better yet, put it all into a merry widow and forget about it. And keep the merry widow on when you have sex, and I bet you feel sexy then too. Invest in one, they're great and a real visual turn-on. Okay, just some thoughts hon. I'll bet if you have a belly, you have boobs too. So push 'em up and out and enjoy ... I don't have much in that department, but I massage 'em every day and they like that. Hope that's not too much information.
Posted by AuntieMel on November 8, 2004, at 16:31:34
In reply to Re: I'm physically shutting out my husband, posted by saw on November 8, 2004, at 0:15:12
I've put on a few (ok, more than a few, more like 20) and was totally disgusted. I wallowed in that self pity for a good while.
But then I went out and got a new silk nightie. Nothing out of Fredericks or anything, I bought it because it was summer and silk breaths.
But it felt so good, and I felt so good in it I quit seeing 'fat' and started seeing 'voluptuous' - at least when I had it on.
I've got a closet full of them now.
Posted by AdaGrace on November 8, 2004, at 18:36:41
In reply to Re: Hi Saw, posted by Susan47 on November 8, 2004, at 12:18:05
Please esplain what is a merry widow? I don't think I have one of those.....
Posted by Susan47 on November 8, 2004, at 23:33:08
In reply to Re: Huh?????? » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on November 8, 2004, at 18:36:41
http://www.herroom.com/Goddess,God001-710,4.cfm
I don't know anything about internet addresses blah blah but try this site it'll show you and if you go to a lingerie place you can get 'em in red 'n black, pink 'n black, black 'n grey, get yourself some nice stockings, no underwear and you're set to be a sexy babe. Great under a skirt. At dinner.
Posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 0:02:15
In reply to Re: Hi Saw, posted by Susan47 on November 8, 2004, at 12:18:05
I bought a girdle type thingy, I've outgrown it!
Sigh!!
Posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 0:04:24
In reply to I reccommend silk » saw, posted by AuntieMel on November 8, 2004, at 16:31:34
Hmmm, might do this. I have a lot of satin / silky things from *thin" days and miss them. I might just buy a few cheapy but nice looking ones for the *fat* days.
S
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 0:09:06
In reply to Re: I reccommend silk » AuntieMel, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 0:04:24
Buy a new merry widow in a bigger size! Do whatever it takes to feel sexy, and quit looking in the mirror unless you have candles lit, make up on, stockings, you name it hon whatever it takes you do it, don't even allow your mind to go anywhere other than the root of your sexuality.
Hmm, it's not stress that's doing this to you, is it? I mean, look at all the overweight people doing porn videos. It hasn't really got that much to do with fat, does it? Fat can be so sexy. Geez Louise, listen to me. :( You're all gonna think I'm weird, now.
Posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 0:27:46
In reply to Re: I reccommend silk » saw, posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 0:09:06
I need to adopt your positivity, or positive sexuality. That is not meant to sound weird. You are up early? Or late?
Sabrina
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 0:35:56
In reply to I'm physically shutting out my husband, posted by saw on November 5, 2004, at 0:38:18
I'm going to say this no matter what kind of pot gets stirred up. It's time for us to admit that yes, fat is comforting, and yes, fat IS actually attractive, and yes, we're nuts to think otherwise.
If we were living in the wild, not this what *we* call civilization ... which babe would be more attractive? The (a) weak, malnourished, unable to feed her young, elbow-you-in-the-ribs, always cold-and-shivering-all-night-long bone-rack, or (b) the nourishing, voluptuous, supple, creamy-skinned (think, layer of fat glowing under the skin, think, "lit from within") soft, keep-you-warm-at-night maiden ...? Historically speaking I do believe (b) wins out every time. But I'm not slamming us thin people, either. We do have our good qualities, too. I just have to really think about what they are ... we mostly look all right in clothes, but no matter what we're wearing our feet always look too big.
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 0:37:37
In reply to Susan, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 0:27:46
I'm up late, Sabrina. I live in Canada, you know, the land of the frozen north or whatever? We're not frozen today though we're just a touch of ol' England ... foggy outside, and in.
Posted by partlycloudy on November 9, 2004, at 4:59:17
In reply to Fat is Womanly, posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 0:35:56
I finally found the ideal way to embrace my um, womanly curves - ok, bulges, when I started to learn to belly dance. The dance begs you to appreciate each and every part of our bodies as the beautiful things they are. I'm going to be giving my unsuspecting book club members some lessons when they meet at my home this week.
Everybody looks gorgeous twirling a veil around their heads.
pc
Posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 5:15:05
In reply to Re: Fat is Womanly, posted by partlycloudy on November 9, 2004, at 4:59:17
I couldn't (shouldn't) belly dance. I would knock anyone out who are in the near vicinity. With my tummy.
This is a side to you that I didn't expect. Good to know!!
S
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