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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 8167 to 8191 of 8406. Go back in thread:
Posted by AMD on August 5, 2004, at 20:33:42
In reply to Re: Lexapro and Celexa, posted by sexylexy on July 28, 2004, at 16:51:01
Just got put on 10 mg of Lexapro in addition to 60 mg of Celexa (which I lower from 80 mg). I've been on Celexa for years, just recently on 80 mg though. Also on 200 mg of Lamictal. All once per day, in the morning.
I drank last weekend (a tiny amount of alcohol, say a shot glass worth of vodka, max) and sunk into a /killer/ depression -- even perhaps a bit of a mixed episode -- which has subsisted until today. I think the Celexa just might not be working any longer. So my doctor added a bit of Lexapro to the mix. So I am hoping the addition of the Lexapro is enough to bring me out of these down periods (some ups, mainly normal ups, but mostly severe depression).
Anyone have experiences when adding Lexapro to a current Celexa prescription. How soon does the Lexapro's added effect (if any) start to kick in?
TIA,
a
Posted by WAKI on August 6, 2004, at 14:50:24
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by ednababish on August 3, 2004, at 11:17:35
Hi,
Edna, I'm curious what made you assume I was near Northwestern?
There are some really good replys for my posting I sincerely appreciate it from all of you. I have made 1 change today from these replys and will defenetly need to do more.
My depression is a high fatigue type disorder. My father had this also now that I look back. Without the help of a Norepinephrine reuptake supplement I will eat myself to obesety and sleep until my life is destroyed.
The particular Norepinephrine help aid I am taking is Wellbutrin. It was the first drug out of 3 years of experimentation that worked.
This wellbutrin allows me to work out, return back to normal weight, control my eating habits, feel good about myself and stay awake all day and get out in the world. I have fell a sleep during the day from what I can remember for the last 25 years.This last 3 weeks has been the deepest low I have encountered in a long time. I attribute it to the Strattera which I now stopped today.
What I gather from all of you are:
1) Try without meds, I have many times and I fall deep into severe depression. Hence this is not a option.
2) If I don't know if I'm out of depression I am probably not. This is a good point. Although I have energy I am not motivated nor happy (more emotionless). Tomorrow I am going to start a dopamine reuptake AD. This is supposed to help motivation and pleasure, I'll know in a couple weeks hopefully.
3) Therapy. Edna, I'll ask my P-doc about this. I don't know if this will be allowable because it may skew my results. You see I am in a multi University medical research treatment program, and my particular experiment did not include therapy.
If I was to seek therapy, is there something called "Post Depression" or something?Thanks for the replies, I sure hope this next week improves without this Strattera because this was defenetly a strong setback.
Thanks and cheers to all of you!
WAK,PS: somebody thought I was a female, interesting because being a male it may mean I have a feminine side.... (Thats good right)? :)
Posted by AMD on August 6, 2004, at 17:33:15
In reply to On Celexa and Lexapro, posted by AMD on August 5, 2004, at 20:33:42
Chemist, any input on this?
a
Posted by mystic on August 6, 2004, at 19:33:21
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by WAKI on August 6, 2004, at 14:50:24
Hey WAKI..good for you...you asked everyone answered and you listened..I'd say that you are well on your way...I hope that you get the help that you need...I"m a big advocate for therapy as I think if you find the right therapist it will make all the difference to hopefully get on with our lives...Right now I'm doing EMDR and it is working well for me ...and I'm finally after many years 20 at least years of on again off again therapy I have finally found someone that helps...I wish the same for you I hope that you continue to post and best of luck to you...Your freind Mystic
Posted by calico cat on August 6, 2004, at 19:51:57
In reply to RE::: Wow, posted by mystic on August 3, 2004, at 21:47:43
Hi everyone. Sorry about your loss Mrs. C. and sorry about the dog. (I forgot whose dog died - but loosing a pet is so hard).
Anyway, I have a 15 year old daughter on luvox for anxiety and depression. she has been on meds. for 4 years. Talk about depressing. Tonight she is sitting in front of the computer crying and won't tell anyone what her sorrow is. It bothers me that she seems so unhappy and refuses help of any kind. She vehemently refuses therapy - it doesn't help and she has her friends to help anyway. I just hope that when she is older, she can get the help she needs - in therapy and maybe in defining her emotions so her meds might work better.
I just don't understand how such a young girl can be this unhappy. It makes me wonder if we were this unhappy back then but we had to bury the feelings because it was not acceptable to go around crying and breaking down. Maybe that's why I am/was so messed up because I could never express my feelings as a child. But, then again, my daughter expresses her feelings, and she sure seems messed up anyway.
Thanks for letting me vent. I just don't know what to do to help.
Posted by mystic on August 6, 2004, at 21:01:03
In reply to RE::: teenagers, posted by calico cat on August 6, 2004, at 19:51:57
Hey calico...I had the same problem with my daughter she was a exceptional child she never gave me an ounce of trouble here whole life..we did go through the usual teenager stuff and it was around 15..so you are right on schedule...But after high school she was depressed also her boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her 1 week before graduation and I think it just set her off..she was depressed then became anorexic from the shock of why they broke up there was really no reason for it..so she blamed it on her weight which she never had a problem with..>all you can do is be there for her when she wants to talk it is sooooo hard that is all I could do ...and your heart breaks you think that you did everything right and that is the problem these children can have these problems even if you are the best parents..she is great daughter and now has a child of her own and is very very happy so just be patient you can get through the rough times just be there and try not to be too pushy..good luck ...Mystic
Posted by ednababish on August 7, 2004, at 9:24:18
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by WAKI on August 6, 2004, at 14:50:24
Dear WAKI,
I assumed you were near Northwestern because you said something about being around Chicago--at least I thought you did. I have a Ph.D from SIU, so I know all about Chicago since nearly all of my students came from there! You are in a clinical trial at a university--is it Northwestern? I am not sure that therapy will skew your results--therapy takes a whole lot longer than medication, and the medication isn't all that quick, either. It took me a year of various and sundry stuff to feel like it's all lifted--and at least 3 months on 20mgs of lexapro--and I've been in therapy on and off for ten years. The first few years involved digging around to examine how I feel and think in self-defeating ways--definitely not an agenda to uplift the spirits.
Be that as it may, I would ask about it--and if the answer is no, I would look for therapy opportunities elsewhere anyway. Why? Because your mental health is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than anyone's study. If you don't take care of yourself, then who will? Now perhaps Lexy will take me to task for this answer since she's a mental health professional, but I stick by this answer. Your first priority is to you, and when it comes to getting healthy your first priority needs to be getting you healthy.
Keep us informed,
Edna
Posted by Mrs. C on August 8, 2004, at 21:56:07
In reply to RE::: teenagers, posted by calico cat on August 6, 2004, at 19:51:57
Hi Calico,
How awful for your daughter to feel so sad. But she is very lucky to have such an understanding parent. Keep supporting her and encouraging her to express those emotions. The teenage years are so difficult for young girls these days. The pressure is overwhelming sometimes I bet. I hope that she gets the help she needs. Thanks for the condolences by the way. Mrs. C
Posted by LynneDa on August 9, 2004, at 9:46:43
In reply to RE::: teenagers, posted by calico cat on August 6, 2004, at 19:51:57
Hi Calico Cat -
I feel for you! My daughter is only 8 and already she is showing signs of heavy emotions that I am afraid may be the beginning signs of a serious problem. It is so hard to stand by & watch when you've done all you can to help them, isn't it?!?The fact that you are willing to listen and make yourself available is a HUGE plus!!! I do wonder about why more kids are diagnosed with mental illnesses these days. I know awareness and lessening of stigma is a big part of it. But, I think there is much more pressure now than when we were younger. Also, in our wired world, information is more accessible and some of that can be harmful.
She says she has her friends to talk to and that is wonderful! I know some girls who don't have close friends like that and their pain is compounded by feeling rejected by peers.
Just wanted to let you know I hear ya! Your love and presence in her life will make a difference!!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hi everyone. Sorry about your loss Mrs. C. and sorry about the dog. (I forgot whose dog died - but loosing a pet is so hard).
>
> Anyway, I have a 15 year old daughter on luvox for anxiety and depression. she has been on meds. for 4 years. Talk about depressing. Tonight she is sitting in front of the computer crying and won't tell anyone what her sorrow is. It bothers me that she seems so unhappy and refuses help of any kind. She vehemently refuses therapy - it doesn't help and she has her friends to help anyway. I just hope that when she is older, she can get the help she needs - in therapy and maybe in defining her emotions so her meds might work better.
>
> I just don't understand how such a young girl can be this unhappy. It makes me wonder if we were this unhappy back then but we had to bury the feelings because it was not acceptable to go around crying and breaking down. Maybe that's why I am/was so messed up because I could never express my feelings as a child. But, then again, my daughter expresses her feelings, and she sure seems messed up anyway.
>
> Thanks for letting me vent. I just don't know what to do to help.
Posted by Waki on August 9, 2004, at 23:20:09
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by ednababish on August 7, 2004, at 9:24:18
Edna,
What is the name of the therapy I am supposed to seek? In other words am I looking for a post depression type of therapy? General Depression type therapy? Group therapy? Solo type therapy?
I feel better then I have in 25 years just by starting these meds in the last three years, in which something appears o be starting to work.
I'm far from well (normal) or what ever it is they call it. I have no idea what to ask for. I guess I could just ask the referral department, but was hoping possibly you can recommend.
I also find it interesting of your credentials. I had a girlfriend about 4 years ago who also had a PhD in Psych. She was strongly against treating depression with medication. I lost contact with her, but I often wondered just how people can get passed a serious depression without meds. It answered the question for me just by you sharing with me you were taking a med. Some people can and some people cannot get better with med's I guess is the answer.
There's know doubt in my mind I need therapy; it's the correct type that’s difficult to find.
I am in a situation I believe will require lot's of therapy. This improved feeling I have is something I have never felt in 25 years.
I have hidden my illness very well from others and myself. What’s odd is I had some serious relationships with some doctors and one psych. nurse and none of them picked up that I was so messed up.
Ignorant me thought everyone felt the way I did. I thought everyone lived in a pressure cooker, felt bad, shakes at night and faked that everything was just grand like I did.
As I look back now 25 years has been sadly wasted of me thinking I will feel better tomorrow. Tomorrow just never came. Tomorrow became next week, next month, next year and finally never.
Finally three years ago I wrote my last will and testament purchased a cemetery plot and neatly organized the end. I planned everything to perfection. I planned that my end will not take anyone’s time, nor bother them. I planned to leave this earth very quietly. I thought I had it all figured out.
One day I was searching the internet for something or another that had to do with something probably depressing. I came across this message board and read some threads. I then took some self help tests IE for anxiety on the internet.
I then was reading a magazine and saw an ad from an anxiety recovery clinic describing how I felt.
I enrolled, and was shocked how sick and messed up I was with depression, ADHD and anxiety. In fact I was so shocked that I got worse. I got worse because not knowing what the matter is was not as bad as knowing what’s the matter.
It's kind of like knowing you have cancer is worse then not knowing because somehow it degrades what life is left. (This is all in an irrational mode of thinking obviously).
All I kept thinking was I was "one of those crazy people" you hear about. They advised me to see a psychiatrist, and it changed my life.
I never was able to articulate what I was feeling because I did not have a reference of what "feeling good /normal meant".
Being in the group opened my eyes that I was extremely ill and there could be hope and I was not alone.
The therapy and the medication are really starting to pay off. I read a book about President Bush changing is life after 40. I figured if he could so can I.
I walked away from a hefty 6 figure salary career. Practically sold everything I had to start fresh and simple. I spend everyday experiencing things to get me well, that a bank cannot measure.
Running on the beach in the morning or spending time with a battered abused child sure feels better then driving 2 hours each way to work drinking coffee and talking on a cell phone responding to pager.
Heck, I don't even have a cell phone anymore.
People thought I went off the deep end. Now people are looking at me with amazement and shaking my hand with the new me. How ironic, people are asking me what the secret is... I always thought I was the one to look at with how not to feel.
I just wrote a book, acquired some patents on some projects I had. Studying for the LSAT and considering law school. Am planning a trip to Europe by myself next spring. Training in the gym. All from just taking a small pill, go figure? One small pill can take a person from living hell to just plain old living. I now wonder who else might be missing the boat for the ride. I wonder who else has one foot in the grave and does not know any better.
It's difficult for me to grasp that I felt as bad and as lost as I did for so long.
It's frustrating to not understand how I missed the signals just how ill I was...
I keep wondering how successful I would have been if I was not sick for the last 25 years.
It is an empty feeling to look back and see all the good things I walked away from without a second thought. Heck I did not even know why I walked away from all the good things and people because I did not know what feeling good meant.
I have come to the conclusion that I need help to channel all this energy I have in the correct direction.
I used to always hear the phrase that love and hate are extremely close in emotions.
During the last three years I've learned that a living hell and a living heaven are just as close...
I got this special delivery package one day. Everybody was asking me why I was receiving a package from the Whitehouse.
George Bush is a really nice guy. He wrote me a personal letter acknowledging me that IU used him as a role model to change my life.
It's a little frustrating that I don't feel comfortable telling people why the president wrote me.
The flip side of the coin really makes me feel good though. To know the president is the only one who knows my full story with my name is kind of a neat feeling.
It's interesting that these message boards on the internet highway really do help people.
Keep motivating people there are many more to be saved.
Posted by LynneDa on August 10, 2004, at 8:50:02
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by Waki on August 9, 2004, at 23:20:09
WOW. I am sitting at my desk reading your message with tears in my eyes. I am incredibly moved by your story of loss and recovery. How wonderful that this board started your trip back from the edge of the grave, literally. People can start their lives and make themselves over again at ANY age and you are living proof of that. What satisfaction and pride you must feel (& most deservedly)! I feel sad and sorry that you had to suffer through 25 years of living the way you did - and I know you are not alone in that - but feel such joy at knowing the discoveries and progress you've made!! I hope your recovery is like the Energizer bunny - just keeps going and going and going ... :-)
Thank you for sharing. I hope many more people on this Board get the chance to read your story.
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by ednababish on August 10, 2004, at 12:48:33
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by Waki on August 9, 2004, at 23:20:09
Dear Waki,
I am flattered that this e-mail was in response to something I wrote. But I really don't have any credentials--my Ph.D. is in English literature (specialties in Shakespeare, psychoanalysis, film, philosophical theory). All I know is that the meds have made me functional in a way I had never been before. I tend to wallow in self-doubt, and they take the self-doubt away--or at least suppress my impulse to wallow in it. I'm not so prone to paralysis from indecision either--I'm not afraid to try or to not try. Like you, I never felt normal and had no idea what it felt like to be normal. I'm still not sure I do, but I know that I'm not alone, that most people have moments of self doubt (but not lifetimes of it!), that other people find the world as bewildering and overwhelming as I still sometimes do.
As for therapy, as I said before I went for about five years to one guy who was occasionally known to doze off after lunch and during my session. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong with me, or what he thought was wrong with me--he'd just say, "What do you think is wrong with you?" to which I would reply, "If I knew, would I be here?" Don't get me wrong, he was a great guy, but the point I am making is this--just find a one on one therapist and go--tell him/her what your life-long problems have been, what your family history is, what diagnoses you have received, and what medications you are currently taking. Then you and he/she will work toward an understanding of the underlying causes of your problems--depression is one part personal brain chemistry, one part family history, and one part social conditioning, and therapy works on the conditioning part. You only need to go into therapy knowing that feeling crappy was a lifelong tendency--they'll help with the rest!
Good luck,
Edna
Posted by Peggyjo on August 10, 2004, at 17:13:21
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by ednababish on August 10, 2004, at 12:48:33
I have been grateful for this Psycho-Babble site to go to. I have been completely off Lexapro for three weeks now and I feel wonderful. It is great to be back to my old self. I had no idea that there would be withdrawal symptoms. Because of all the information that I received from others withdrawing, I no longer thought that my cancer had spread to my brain and I was able to stick to withdrawing in pretty good spirits -- knowing there was an end in sight. Thank you for all the help that I received from the letters posted. Peggyjo
Posted by mystic on August 10, 2004, at 17:54:42
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by ednababish on August 10, 2004, at 12:48:33
Hey edna..I have had some real doozies for therapists and never really got anywhere with them and I have had one that used to eat her lunch during our sessions and forgot most of what I said and I would have to repeat it...well I have found a great person actually two one I was seeing to help me and she referred me to her associate who is doing EMDR and therapy on me..and I couldnt be happier with him..we have a long long road ahead but I finally feel comfortable and able to get some of these feelings and memories out and to rest...So you just have to keep looking for someone and get referrals and you can find someone that will help...That is all I wanted to say...thanks guys your the best...Mystic
Posted by Mrs. C on August 10, 2004, at 22:33:53
In reply to RE::: edna, posted by mystic on August 10, 2004, at 17:54:42
Hey everyone,
I feel such despair right now. I spent almost every spare minute today feeling the swollen gland in my neck. I check it constantly. I think about it then I have to check it. I spent the whole day worrying about why it's there and should I call the doc or not. I am literally driving myself crazy. This is a pattern for me that has been going on most of my adult life and is the reason I am on Lexapro. Right now I am taking 20mgs. I have been doing so well and emotionally I feel great. It's just this darn OCD that just wont leave me alone. Very discouraged right now. Looking for some sympathy. Mrs. CPS. I am not sure if it's even a swollen gland. It's about the size of a grain of rice and it moves around in the lower part of my neck. Could be just a vain. I dont know. Help.
Posted by platinumbride on August 11, 2004, at 0:29:41
In reply to had a bad day today, posted by Mrs. C on August 10, 2004, at 22:33:53
(((((Mrs C)))))You are so kind and thoughtful in your posts. I hope that all this has been is ONE bad day.
I'm no expert re: ocd, but if a new med is in order I am sure that tons of ppl will have ideas here,
Best to you,Diane
> Hey everyone,
> I feel such despair right now. I spent almost every spare minute today feeling the swollen gland in my neck. I check it constantly. I think about it then I have to check it. I spent the whole day worrying about why it's there and should I call the doc or not. I am literally driving myself crazy. This is a pattern for me that has been going on most of my adult life and is the reason I am on Lexapro. Right now I am taking 20mgs. I have been doing so well and emotionally I feel great. It's just this darn OCD that just wont leave me alone. Very discouraged right now. Looking for some sympathy. Mrs. C
>
> PS. I am not sure if it's even a swollen gland. It's about the size of a grain of rice and it moves around in the lower part of my neck. Could be just a vain. I dont know. Help.
Posted by LynneDa on August 11, 2004, at 9:15:23
In reply to had a bad day today, posted by Mrs. C on August 10, 2004, at 22:33:53
Hi Mrs. C. - I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so badly! I'm sure with your recent loss and all the stress that goes along with it, your fears and anxiety are harder to put aside.
I use walk-in clinics/ambulatory care centers ... whatever you call them in your area ... all the time when I'm too embarrassed to keep bugging my doctor about things. There are 3 of them near me and I sort of rotate! Weird, I know, but it keeps me from being anxious for too long. I figure, I am this way (worrisome) and I'm going to use the resources provided me. It's worth my $25 co-pay to go in and have it checked out!!
Try not to beat yourself up over worrying, okay? That only makes it worse. Hope you feel better soon and let us know!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hey everyone,
> I feel such despair right now. I spent almost every spare minute today feeling the swollen gland in my neck. I check it constantly. I think about it then I have to check it. I spent the whole day worrying about why it's there and should I call the doc or not. I am literally driving myself crazy. This is a pattern for me that has been going on most of my adult life and is the reason I am on Lexapro. Right now I am taking 20mgs. I have been doing so well and emotionally I feel great. It's just this darn OCD that just wont leave me alone. Very discouraged right now. Looking for some sympathy. Mrs. C
>
> PS. I am not sure if it's even a swollen gland. It's about the size of a grain of rice and it moves around in the lower part of my neck. Could be just a vain. I dont know. Help.
Posted by wormlady on August 11, 2004, at 9:41:12
In reply to Re: Lexapro Update, posted by 2beornot2benuts on June 3, 2003, at 9:23:18
Hey,
This is my first time to the site and I saw this message. I am taking 20 mg lex/day for anxiety - at first it was working well but it seems to be wearing off. At first 10 mg was working, then the anxiety came back and I went to 20, which worked for a while. My night time teeth clenching is back, and I am tense during the day. I'm almost afraid to tell my therapist because I don't want to go through the side effects of switching to another med. I get a sharp increase in anxiety during PMS every month, then it wanes. Anyway, I work out 3-4 times/week and that tends to help, especially immediately afterwards (1 hour high impact aerobics, or swim a mile, or 1.5 hours yoga, or 25 mile bike ride). I do occasionally drink (~3 drinks/week) and know that I'm not supposed to. I take the lex in the AM.
Has anyone else have this experience of waning effects?
Posted by ednababish on August 11, 2004, at 11:37:43
In reply to Re: Lexapro Update, posted by wormlady on August 11, 2004, at 9:41:12
Dear Wormlady,
You may need a bit of wellbutrin or another AD added to your mix. If you are not under the care of a psychiatrist (a medical doctor who specializes in this sort of thing) and your insurance would support a referal to one, I strongly recommend that you see one for psychiatric medicine management. You may just need more lexapro--it works best on anxiety at higher doses; my psychiatrist took 30mgs throughout her pregnancy. As far as a lexapro poop out, lots of people here have experienced it when their dosage has not been high enough
Good luck and God bless
Edna
Posted by Alesa on August 11, 2004, at 12:18:55
In reply to had a bad day today, posted by Mrs. C on August 10, 2004, at 22:33:53
Hey there,
I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. I know having OCD can drive you insane. I worry about that kind of stuff too. Go to the doctor to relieve your worries. I always get chest pain and stomach pain, and worry I'm having a heart attack,especially since heart disease is in my family. I found a very kind doctor who gave me a thorough examination, and I have no heart or health concerns. I had blood tests done, and my cholesteral levels are nice and low, which was such a relief since high cholesteral is hereditary too. That helped relieve my anxiety and now when I get panic attacks, they pass more easily because I know I'm NOT dying.
Lumps can be a result of many non-life threatening things. Sometimes you just get a lump for no reason. My husband has a bump on the back of his neck, and it's nothing. So don't worry too much. Worry and anxiety can make you more sick than the actual problem itself.
Be gentle on yourself!
Hugs,
Alesa
> Hey everyone,
> I feel such despair right now. I spent almost every spare minute today feeling the swollen gland in my neck. I check it constantly. I think about it then I have to check it. I spent the whole day worrying about why it's there and should I call the doc or not. I am literally driving myself crazy. This is a pattern for me that has been going on most of my adult life and is the reason I am on Lexapro. Right now I am taking 20mgs. I have been doing so well and emotionally I feel great. It's just this darn OCD that just wont leave me alone. Very discouraged right now. Looking for some sympathy. Mrs. C
>
> PS. I am not sure if it's even a swollen gland. It's about the size of a grain of rice and it moves around in the lower part of my neck. Could be just a vain. I dont know. Help.
Posted by Alesa on August 11, 2004, at 13:25:51
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by Waki on August 9, 2004, at 23:20:09
>
Wow,What an amazing story. It so impacted me to the very core! That you were able to get yourself out of your bad situation, and that you see life so clearly now.
I understand what you mean about thinking you were normal for so long. I felt that way for years too, and then someone pointed out that my life was not normal.
I put off taking meds and getting help for so long, and thought I could work through my depression and anxiety on my own.
Then my Mom died, and it was out of control. I couldn't stop crying everyday, and would sit motionless for hours. I was a zombie at work, just sitting there. My tension and moods affected others too.
I felt so terrible about myself for so long, and when my Mom died, I realized she felt that way too, but worse. I felt all her pain the moment she died, and understood why she drank so heavily. I understood why she could not help herself. Then I felt so guilty for not being there for her more often, and for being angry with her for not getting any help.
I so often thought about suicide and what I'd do, but I never carried out any plans because I didn't want to hurt my family, friends or my cat. I stayed alive just for others around me, and always acted like everything was fine just for them.
When I'm around people, I feel fine. I make people laugh and feel good about themselves, which my Mom did too, while internally experiencing unbearable pain and self loathing. No one understands. When I try to talk about it, they tell me not to "dwell on it", or that I'm purposely just looking for something to make me feel bad, or seeking attention. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way. No one understands that it's diseaase, it doesn't just "go away", nor can I "snap out of it"!
I've sought therapists, but have had no success with them. They all told me things I alreayd knew about myself with no answers that helped me or made me feel better. One therapist just told me I'd be miserable for the rest of my life, and to build up some muscle. No one has provided me support for the issues I need to deal with. Maybe I didn't offer it properly.
The medication has definatley helped, but it's only been two weeks.
Your story has provided me with hope. You wrote it so simply , but it was so impacting and deep, and had so much feeling. Most of the stories on this board are hopeless, like there is no hope with meds or therapists. Thank-you. I'll read it again and again.
And that George Bush inspired you and wrote you a personal letter! That's amazing! I have a whole new respect for him as a person (but not as a leader) for doing that, and how he got himself out of his depression and alchoholsim. Good for you for contacting him and letting him know that he helped you and about your condition. That shows that he is there for the people in his country.
Alesa
Edna,
>
> What is the name of the therapy I am supposed to seek? In other words am I looking for a post depression type of therapy? General Depression type therapy? Group therapy? Solo type therapy?
>
> I feel better then I have in 25 years just by starting these meds in the last three years, in which something appears o be starting to work.
>
> I'm far from well (normal) or what ever it is they call it. I have no idea what to ask for. I guess I could just ask the referral department, but was hoping possibly you can recommend.
>
> I also find it interesting of your credentials. I had a girlfriend about 4 years ago who also had a PhD in Psych. She was strongly against treating depression with medication. I lost contact with her, but I often wondered just how people can get passed a serious depression without meds. It answered the question for me just by you sharing with me you were taking a med. Some people can and some people cannot get better with med's I guess is the answer.
>
> There's know doubt in my mind I need therapy; it's the correct type that’s difficult to find.
>
> I am in a situation I believe will require lot's of therapy. This improved feeling I have is something I have never felt in 25 years.
>
> I have hidden my illness very well from others and myself. What’s odd is I had some serious relationships with some doctors and one psych. nurse and none of them picked up that I was so messed up.
>
> Ignorant me thought everyone felt the way I did. I thought everyone lived in a pressure cooker, felt bad, shakes at night and faked that everything was just grand like I did.
>
> As I look back now 25 years has been sadly wasted of me thinking I will feel better tomorrow. Tomorrow just never came. Tomorrow became next week, next month, next year and finally never.
>
> Finally three years ago I wrote my last will and testament purchased a cemetery plot and neatly organized the end. I planned everything to perfection. I planned that my end will not take anyone’s time, nor bother them. I planned to leave this earth very quietly. I thought I had it all figured out.
>
> One day I was searching the internet for something or another that had to do with something probably depressing. I came across this message board and read some threads. I then took some self help tests IE for anxiety on the internet.
>
> I then was reading a magazine and saw an ad from an anxiety recovery clinic describing how I felt.
>
> I enrolled, and was shocked how sick and messed up I was with depression, ADHD and anxiety. In fact I was so shocked that I got worse. I got worse because not knowing what the matter is was not as bad as knowing what’s the matter.
>
> It's kind of like knowing you have cancer is worse then not knowing because somehow it degrades what life is left. (This is all in an irrational mode of thinking obviously).
>
> All I kept thinking was I was "one of those crazy people" you hear about. They advised me to see a psychiatrist, and it changed my life.
>
> I never was able to articulate what I was feeling because I did not have a reference of what "feeling good /normal meant".
>
> Being in the group opened my eyes that I was extremely ill and there could be hope and I was not alone.
>
> The therapy and the medication are really starting to pay off. I read a book about President Bush changing is life after 40. I figured if he could so can I.
>
> I walked away from a hefty 6 figure salary career. Practically sold everything I had to start fresh and simple. I spend everyday experiencing things to get me well, that a bank cannot measure.
>
> Running on the beach in the morning or spending time with a battered abused child sure feels better then driving 2 hours each way to work drinking coffee and talking on a cell phone responding to pager.
>
> Heck, I don't even have a cell phone anymore.
>
> People thought I went off the deep end. Now people are looking at me with amazement and shaking my hand with the new me. How ironic, people are asking me what the secret is... I always thought I was the one to look at with how not to feel.
>
> I just wrote a book, acquired some patents on some projects I had. Studying for the LSAT and considering law school. Am planning a trip to Europe by myself next spring. Training in the gym. All from just taking a small pill, go figure? One small pill can take a person from living hell to just plain old living. I now wonder who else might be missing the boat for the ride. I wonder who else has one foot in the grave and does not know any better.
>
> It's difficult for me to grasp that I felt as bad and as lost as I did for so long.
>
> It's frustrating to not understand how I missed the signals just how ill I was...
>
> I keep wondering how successful I would have been if I was not sick for the last 25 years.
>
> It is an empty feeling to look back and see all the good things I walked away from without a second thought. Heck I did not even know why I walked away from all the good things and people because I did not know what feeling good meant.
>
> I have come to the conclusion that I need help to channel all this energy I have in the correct direction.
>
> I used to always hear the phrase that love and hate are extremely close in emotions.
>
> During the last three years I've learned that a living hell and a living heaven are just as close...
>
> I got this special delivery package one day. Everybody was asking me why I was receiving a package from the Whitehouse.
>
> George Bush is a really nice guy. He wrote me a personal letter acknowledging me that IU used him as a role model to change my life.
>
> It's a little frustrating that I don't feel comfortable telling people why the president wrote me.
>
> The flip side of the coin really makes me feel good though. To know the president is the only one who knows my full story with my name is kind of a neat feeling.
>
> It's interesting that these message boards on the internet highway really do help people.
>
> Keep motivating people there are many more to be saved.
>
>
>
>
Posted by LynneDa on August 11, 2004, at 13:44:08
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended? » Waki, posted by Alesa on August 11, 2004, at 13:25:51
Alesa - It sounds like you have faced quite the battle!! I'm sorry about your mother. As you probably know by now, you are certainly not alone in not being able to control feelings of self-loathing and despair. I hope you find success with medication. It sure helped me to get rid of many of those feelings.
As far as therapy goes, don't give up on finding a good cognitive behavioral therapist. He/she can help you "re-program" your thoughts and improve your self-concept. Then, you may find the emotional energy to confront your pain and move on from it. Of course, it's easier said than done, but I know you can do it! You are very self-aware and already are well on your way to recovering a better mental state (and therefore a better quality of life!).
Good luck to you and God bless!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by waki on August 11, 2004, at 18:30:53
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended? » Alesa, posted by LynneDa on August 11, 2004, at 13:44:08
Who knows.....
Maybe if we all get past our obsticals we can all go on a cruise and meet. We can wear name tags that says "3 years of happiness", or sell bumper stickers that say "I am normal are you?".
My mother and I were talking today. She is so happy what she calls "haveing me back" that she cries everytime when she see's me now.
I am not even that well yet but I am well enough that she believes she got her son back.
She keeps secretly inviting one of her friends over at a time every time I visit her. I sit back when I go home and just shake my head as to what have a done to all these people.
Anyway, she keeps asking me questions what "they" doctors do with me every week at the treatment research center. She is so excited she wants to go with me and thank them. I told her there's no way a near middle age guy like me is going to parade my mother around the center to let her say thanks. We laughed. She said it was the first time we laughed that she can remember. After she laughs she cries, sort of bizzare really.
She believes that these medications are only partial of my improvement. She tells me my attitude appears to be improving, upbeat. She describes it as an "energy" or positive "ora" that seems to be contagious to others and improving everyday. She claims she see's a glow in my face that I can't see myself.
She says that when she introduces me back to her friends they feel better and want to know more about mental illnesses. It's to the point all her friends are comming out of the wood work saying they have childern that are bi polar, their husbands appear to be depressed, tehir edlery parents must be depressed. yadda yadda yadda.
I don't see it or feel it but I have to trust her. Maybe theres something to this energy?
Maybe if people who are mentally ill collectively synergize with each other we can heal each other more rapidly.
I have allot of patching up to do with family members and friends that I don't know where to start. I have walked away from family, friends and relationships for the last 25 years.
It's depressing to hear that I have hurt so many people because I abandoned all of them.
But the more I think about it, I think I answered my own question. I believe one starts to know depression is subsiding when others make remarks.
When you see others be happy because you are making them happy is the un measurable proof in the pudding.
Well I need to go know. I actually put myself on a committee to help build a float for a parade. I can't remember the last time I helped people out before.
Don't forget the cruise, maybe thats what we all need!
Posted by Mrs. C on August 11, 2004, at 21:43:47
In reply to Re: had a bad day today » Mrs. C, posted by LynneDa on August 11, 2004, at 9:15:23
Thanks Lynne. I wish I had those options where I live. I would use them for sure. I just want someone medical to feel the spot and tell me what they think it is. Someone who doesn't know about my OCD. Sometimes I think my doc just shrugs off everything I say cause she knows how I am. I am just to embarrassed to go there right now. I'd rather worry than have her laugh at me. Mrs. C
Posted by Mrs. C on August 11, 2004, at 21:46:22
In reply to Re: had a bad day today » Mrs. C, posted by Alesa on August 11, 2004, at 12:18:55
Hi Alesa, thanks for the encouraging words. I have been through this many times before with many different symptoms. I am used to it. Just every time I get this way I feel so hopeless, like I have no future to look forward to. It's any awful feeling. I am so glad I found this site with such caring people. This will pass as it always does. Mrs. C
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